The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've always been terrible at taking care of myself. Last week I got really sick with a bad cold and I had to stay home from work for a day and for several days I couldn't speak much (lost my voice) and had to take things really slow. I think it was my HPs way of telling me to listen and learn. I listened to my body, I took care of my needs, I asked for help, I had to listen to others more than I could talk because of my lost voice. The things I observed while I was in this new mode made me re evaluate some things I was doing that caused me more trouble than it was worth. I have this long history of getting wrapped up in other people's problems. I have a couple of friends who seem to create drama wherever they go. My one friend is kind of like a tornado in a way and I would often willingly get caught up and carried away with this tornado trying to help but most likely wanting to escape. When I was sick I wanted to call up this friend because things were too quiet. Because I couldn't speak I really couldn't call. And I could see this pattern. I had been feeling for a while that I had had enough of this friendship but as soon as things were calm and quiet with no distractions I wanted the chaos again. I can see these bad patterns. It almost feels like I was able to step out of myself and look at the things I do from another person's perspective. I sabotage myself all the time! So I decided to detach from this friend (this process hasn't been easy and she's been upset about the limits and boundaries I have enforced but I did it) and to be more aware of when I tend to do this thing of getting overly involved in other people's problems. The result has been fantastic for me. I'm calmer, happier even, I can focus at work which is amazing. My relationships have improved. Things aren't perfect but I feel really good. And as soon as I felt good for a couple of days I suddenly got hit with this deep feeling of DREAD. Like something ominous is going to happen. Life can't be this free and I don't trust it. And this is the feeling that always throws me back into the chaos. I never noticed this before. This is the feeling that will make me jump right back into all that bad self care. Taking care of myself used to mean making sure that I was consumed with other people's problems that I couldn't possibly focus on myself. I've been doing that my whole life and this new way of being is kind of scary. But I can see how good it is and how necessary it is. So even though I get overwhelming feelings of dread and that doubting little voice wakes me up in the middle of the night making me question myself I'm going to keep going and moving forward. Just for today I can keep this up and move forward. Does anyone else get this feelings when things are going smoothly?
I certainly can identify KT The not trusting serenity even though I really enjoyed it, the fear and dread of he other shoe dropping,and looking for chaos when all was quiet.
Today thanks to many meetings, and a few times working the Steps, I can honestly say that I treasure my serenity, and will not surrender it for any cause( I have worked hard to attain it). By using alnaon's powerful tool I cna keep staying in the moment and in the day and do not" futurize " any longer. I simply trust that no matter what may come, HP and I will handle it with , courage, serenity and wisdom.
I can relate. The quiet and stillness sometimes become too much for me because I want chaos or something dramatic to happen. I think I felt alive or it gave me a sense of aliveness that I didn't get anywhere else in my life. Today, though, those times are far and few between. My life is simple and I enjoy the calm. I no longer wait for the other shoe to drop unless my son is telling me about my XAH and he relays the alcoholic behavior to me and then I get wrapped up in the disease once again. But, those times are far and few between and I always make sure a meeting is in the works soon afterwards, lol!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I can relate too - I believe for me there was a time when I was addicted to the chaos/drama often but not always caused by the Qualifiers in my life. When things began to change, I would often question why I deserve to be happy when others are still miserable/sick? My sponsor suggested I try to turn things upside down when I felt that doom of a future event that may/may not even happy.....Prayers of gratitude and prayers of strength for whatever comes my way helped me do some soul-searching on why I often expect/project bad/the worse case scenario.
Of course, the great slogans of Just for Today, First Things First and others that bring me back to the present moment on this day were gifts like no other. So often when I have that doom or dread feeling it's because I'm living in the past or the future, both of which truly do not affect me in this moment.
I love what you shared about your tornado friend! I can relate and appreciate your share of your cold keeping you from your normal patterns....what an eye-opener! It is always amazing to me how HP shows us what we are in need of when it happens!!! Keep working it - it looks really good on you!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
