It sounds as if these people offerered their thoughts in an advice-giving (or advice-telling way), which would be really unfortunate.  Everybody's journey is different and we can't know the right path for other people (unless there is a case of physical danger).

I am thinking about what kinds of practices were behind these people's observations.  I might have an idea about the one about telling your A.  From what you say, I understand it as that you were clarifying your intentions to him, that you are going to do these things and work on your health.  And that in the past he has had controlling tendencies, so you were kind of stating up front, "These are my decisions to make and I'm making them."

I know that sometimes I used to try to get my A to buy in to my new ways of being, like I couldn't really move forward unless he agreed it was a good thing, because he'd be grouchy, undermining, accusing, blaming, etc.  So I'd tell him about it to try to win him over.  But the result was that as long as he refused to agree, I was stuck, because I didn't want to move forward without his agreement (because of how badly he behaved).  So my intention of telling him what I was doing actually kept me from doing it very well.

My guess is that the person who spoke to you had that same experience I did, and was trying to warn you against it.  It sounds like it wasn't a very helpful conversation, though.  Sometimes people express themselves badly, and sometimes we're just in different spaces, and sometimes people have found something really helpful for them and want to evangelize it to everyone.

I hope you won't let this keep you from moving ahead and taking good care of yourself.  You're on your journey!

newleaf66 wrote:

---

So, here's where I am confused.  At a break, one member told me I don't need to tell him anything.  I should just do my work.  She also told me not to say anything that I do not intend to carry out.  

Then, when I was leaving, another member told me she was in the same situation, 20+ year marriage, and told me I shouldn't make any decisions for at least 6 months.  I told her I wasn't making any decisions to leave my marriage and she said it took her 3 years to do so.

 

---

 There's a lot of good input above, here is a little from me.

Person #1 is right.  You don't need to tell him anything.  I don't even see that as advice, more an alternative you may not have thought of, because you don't need to tell him anything.  Of course, much of this is in the delivery, and in the reception, as far as how "advicey" it feels.

Don't say anything you don't intent to carry out is advicey as well, but essentially al anon principles.  Oftentimes we say "say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean".  Getting caught in the trap of making threats and not carrying them out is a very common problem for partners of alcoholics, and just shows that we can be manipulated, which is a very common alcoholic tactic.

As far as the "6 month rule", it's probably better to explain why not to make decisions as to a timeframe.  Certainly for me, at the beginning of my journey I was too frazzled and way too angry, if I would have made some major life decision at that point , I might regret it once I was in recovery.  That first time period for me was kind of like detox to the alcoholic, except I got rid of vitriol and got  in touch with myself closer than I ever had been.

I also was pretty sensitive at first.  in fact, I went to two or three meetings and decided it wasn't for me, and had to wait it out a year to really hit bottom and then start going to meetings and taking to Al Anon.  If someone came to me with the wrong perceived attitude, I might have given up the second time too.

So, my advice - ha, yes advice - is to keep coming back and trying more, it sounds like you are already there, so I hope to hear more from you in the near future!

Kenny