The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My partner when to rehab today we have been together 5 years have a 2 and a half year old, basically since I have know him alcohol and drugs have been a big part of his life that's got a lot worse the last two years where he will literally go on a 3 or maybe 4 day binge have a hangover for 3 days then do the same again, just going round and round of love this man but when he drinks he turns in to someone quite nasty, I'd never go out with him for a drink any more I'm not a drinker as it is, he's also chatted up over females on Facebook and sent a pic of his privates, neither of us have facebook no more, I'm so scared when he comes out in a month or longer, how do I deal with it do I be normal do I tip toe any one else had rehab or know someone who's been does it work, I know it's not easy, but sometimes I find it so hard to understand why he can't just stop he's tried aa meetings medication, and I'm so fed up of me and our child being put second all the time, I do think he can do this but I do dout my self, what if he comes out hating me or doesn't love me no more, I feel so lost and it's only the first day what am I going to say to our bubba when she notices daddy's not here for a long time he's 28 and I'm 26 x
Hello Rebecca, welcome to Miracles in Progress, I can readily identify with your fears and anxieties and would like to assure you that there is hope and help available.
I had to first realize that alcoholism was a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which I was powerless. I didn't cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it. What I could do was seek out help for myself so that I could recover from the devastating effects of living in the insanity. Al-Anon is a program that was developed to help family members of alcoholics do just that. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages. I urge you to check them out and attend.
When my husband was in rehab, I attended a meeting every day for 30 days and it was amazing how different I felt at the end of that time. There are no easy answers, and no guarantees, but I know that working this program helped me to regain my sanity and self-esteem,
Please keep coming back here as we have online meetings two times a day and would love to share the journey
Thank you for your reply how did your husband do in rehab, I'm going to a meeting Wednesday really don't know what to expect probably boo my eyes out knowing me, feel so lost at the moment I know I need to be strong again but at the same time I wouldn't know where to start, x
Rehab does and doesn't work. My wife has been there twice. First time she came out swearing off vodka, had a bit of a support group in place, and did great for 3-4 months, then relapsed. A couple of DUI charges and a week of jail convinced her that she really needed to quit if she wanted to be there for our 12-year-old son. She found out the difference between physical and emotional sobriety, went through the 12 steps in earnest, and didn't relapse for 2 years. She again relapsed, but has been strong enough in her program and the support she has through it that she has been able to come back out without going to rehab.
If you husband wants badly enough to recover, he will. if he doesn't, then he won't. As Betty said, it's an incurable progressive disease, that must be dealt with every day of their lives. And we get dragged into the insanity of it, the acceptance of unacceptable behavior, not understanding that they don't stop because they don;t love us, but because they don't know how, or haven't been convinced that it is worth it.
Keep coming back here, and see if you can find some Al Anon meetings, knowing other people in the same boat was a huge help for me.
Thank you for your reply how did your husband do in rehab, I'm going to a meeting Wednesday really don't know what to expect probably boo my eyes out knowing me, feel so lost at the moment I know I need to be strong again but at the same time I wouldn't know where to start, x
Start at the meeting. You will find lots of sympathy and understanding from others. Most people cry their heads off the first time. Some people cry for much longer. Everyone understands why ther is crying, because, even though our stories are very different, they all have one strand of similarity, the powerlessness over alcohol.
Start at the meeting as Kenny suggests and keep coming back Pick up a Beginners kit and start to read the literature. My husband required several rehabs to achieve his long term sobriety.
Hi Rebecca! Glad you found us here. You're at the starting point. Reaching out for help. We all start here and understand what you're going through. One thing I learned here was I had to take care of the only person I had control over- ME. I spent many a day worrying about others and it only caused me to get sick and make them and the situation worse. When I shifted the focus from them to me, changes started to happen. The best we can do is SHOW others a different way of life through our actions. Sometimes they follow and sometimes they don't. But whether they do or not is out of our control. It's great you're hitting a meeting. Let them know you're new and The Fellowship will take over.
Beginners kit what is that?, I hope the meetings help even when we go out for dinner and he orders a beer I automatically get in to robot mood because I know how it will turn out if that makes sense, and it's OK for friends to say why haven't you left him you need to leave him, there not partners with a alcoholic so they don't know what it's like, x
Several, wow, just spoke to partner he's settled in well but apparently the rehab don't actually have accommodation there are 6 houses around near the rehab centre with no stuff just clients recovering I's that normal surely thats a bad thing or am I over thinking again, and I set my self loads of goals for when he comes out meetings, get anti depression tablets pass my test, and a few other things but iv decided to just do the meetings rather then setting to much for myself x
Start off with baby steps. My biggest step was just getting through the doors of a face to face meeting. Don't be ashamed if you start to ball. I pretty much cried every meeting I spoke at for the first 6 months. These meetings with a life saver for me and helped me turn the focus on myself and not all the problems my alcoholic had. I came to realize/see that I was just as sick as him. My husband never went to rehab so I can't really give you much insight into that but the A has to want to be sober regardless of if they went to rehab or not. I am sorry you are going through this with a young one. I have two boys ages 4 and 6 and can relate to all the worries/stress you are going through. As a parent I found it very hard to turn the focus on myself when we are just so naturally inclined to focus on the family members. Taking time to pray, meditate and go to the gym have also been great ways to focus on myself. Praying for you and your family.
I remember when my H got sober... it was such a scary unknown time. All the what ifs running through my head, wondering if it would last, what I could do to ensure he didnt drink. I was going absolutely insane!!! Thankfully someone suggest al anon to me. I was so lost the first few meeting, but they said keep coming back and I did. In time things started to make sense and I wasnt as anxious as I was before... little by little the promises started coming true. And I have found by me going to al anon, having this program was the greatest gift I could give to myself, my family and my alcoholic.
It may not make sense at first, it may feel uncomfortable, but keep coming back - the gifts are endless.
__________________
Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
I cried for a long time going to meetings
I Still can if someone brings up certain
subjects.
That is what alanon is all about Us getting
healthy from the inside out. No matter
What anyone else is doing. You Learn
healthy tools, such as good boundaries
And loving detachment, plus many more.
His goals are to take care of his problems,
His meetings, his sponsor, if he has an issue
he goes to his Sponsor. His recovery/ non
recovery is About him.
Generally when one spouse starts AA it is
Strongly suggested the other start alanon
So everyone is on the same page. Two
Seperate recoveries though. We each have
Our own higher power and healing journey.
Rebecca - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared! Rehab and recovery are a personal journey - he'll either learn about the disease and choose to change or he will not do as suggested and risk the perpetuation of the disease cycle.
Alcoholism is progressive disease that can not be cured but can be arrested through abstinence and recovery. It's considered a family disease as it also affects those who live with and/or love an alcoholic. We become as sick as they do often, so Al-Anon is our recovery journey, while AA is their recovery path.
F2F (face to face) Al-Anon meetings is where you will get the welcome package and a small amount of literature to read in it. Most/all Al-Anon meetings have other literature that we use as we consider our part in the disease. F2F meetings are also where you will find local support through phone numbers and meetings.
Glad you are here - keep coming back - this program works if you work it and you're worth it!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Rebecca - so glad that you found folks welcoming. I am also glad to hear you will return.
Keep coming back here - keep choosing you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
