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I'm pretty new here, and I am very thankful to the kind people I have already met here. I took a few days away. After my husband came home from detox (long story, but I didn't even know he was an alcoholic he was so highly functional and good at hiding it - then he went through a brutal physical detox with hallucinations, couldn't walk etc. - this is all new to me in the last two weeks) he seemed so changed. I truly had faith he had scared the living daylights out of himself (not to mention me) and all the tears and all the promises....
It was like a honeymoon phase. He said this was easier than quitting smoking. I was praising him, and happy to see him very busy at home (he has been unemployed for 6 months - a gifted engineer in a failing economy up here in western Canada). So productive! So happy!
I am gone 10 hrs or more a day as I am a full time student in a very intense biotech program. I came home nervous every day last week but was sooo happy to see he was doing well.
We get a week off right now so on Friday afternoon after our last exam (4 that week) I went out with my fellow students for a send-off. I am a social drinker, and we have such an intense program I was out decompressing with my friends who are like family for about 6 hours... I had about 5 drinks over the 6 hours and ate a couple of times too. I got a phone call from him while out where he sounded - odd. I felt like he sounded drunk. he denied it and said he would pick me up later so I wouldn't have to drive.
at about 9:30 I called... and called... and finally was able to get a lift from a friend who hadn't been drinking.
I got home... and he was sleeping... in bed... and there it was... that "drunk" smell. Does anyone know what I mean? It was really strong as I hadn't smelled it for a couple of weeks.
The next day I confronted him. He said he had a couple. To cut another long story short, he had another couple that day. And then today. Now I have learned the smell gives it away.
This is a guy who nearly died (seriously) from complications due to drinking so much who has been out of the hospital a little over a week. He was told not to drink - his cholesterol levels were so high they feared he would have a stroke or something, and his metabolites and vitamins so low - he had even stopped eating.
So I asked him to leave. He didn't take me seriously. It took quite a bit as well as a threat that I would call his sister (I agreed not to tell his family about the past two weeks) until he realized I was serious. I am very angry. He was starting to cry and get emotional when he saw this was real and not just words. I want none of it. no more manipulation.
Is this the right thing to do? I feel that it is but I am interested in hearing the experience of others (who have much more wisdom than I). He has a place to stay - his dad's house who is out of town for a few weeks... but I suggested he get his own place.
Aloha Rachel welcome back to the board and your post is sad all over. I would say that the disease has got you both. Alcoholism is a mind and mood altering disease and the chemical is hard on everyone who consumes it...no one gets a pass. I use to despise my alcoholic/addict's drinking and using and then found out she was chansing mine. "I wish I could drink like that" is what she use to say to me when we were out drinking, and very soon before coming into the program I stopped completely not even knowing why or when. I just stopped and still she continued and we continued to lose everything that wasn't hid or tied down. There was so much I didn't understand and only one of this was the hyprocrisy with in the disease. She was chasing MY drinking and I couldn't see me as she saw me. I wanted her clean and sober of which I knew nothing about and couldn't/wouldn't do that myself. I went to college to see if I could understand the disease above and beyond the level I learned in Al-Anon and there were time I was stunned into silence and at other times I wept openly during the lessons. Many many people including those that make the chemical, deliver it and distribute it do not know the awesome power of it while thinking "it's no good for you and for me I can handle it". I went alcohol free 9 years in Al-Anon before entering AA and I apologized to my former alcoholic/addict wife for how I treated her and disrespected her when we ran in it. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
This disease rattles all involved. You are not responsible for his relapse or his recovery. Before Al-Anon, I made many decisions based on my emotional state at the time. Some were good and some were not so good. There is no one size fits all answer on how to handle/respond to another person's disease - we have to do what makes sense for us.
It does sound as if your life is very full and structured. I would encourage you to seek out some Al-Anon meetings and support so you can move forward as best as possible no matter what happens next.
Prayers for both of you. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Big hugs to your Rachel Blue. No one can answer if this is the right thing for you to do as everyone's story is different. I can tell you that I went through a very similar situation with my highly functioning AH. Well, I say highly functioning until his disease progressed and got a lot worse. I had a situation where my husband stayed home from work when he was supposed to have quit drinking and was supposed to pick me up from the train that I take home from work and he didn't show. Came home only to find out he had been drinking all day. They say not to engage the A when they are still drinking but I lost it and kicked him out of the house. I found living with the A when they were still drinking very very hard. My husband finally found sobriety and detoxed in a hospital and had severe shakes, throwing up (no hallucinations thank goodness) but the dr. told him that he could have died and that was very eye opening for both of us. Unfortunately it sounds like your husband has not reached rock bottom yet. Maybe you kicking him out of the house will be his rock bottom, maybe not. However, I hope you can find a good face to face meeting you can attend as those meeting were life saving to me when I was in the midst of a crisis. It is hard but there is nothing that you can do about the situation and you need to start focusing on yourself. I found face to face meetings were a great way to start as well as letting some family members and friends in on what was going on at home.
I can relate to your thought on feeling relief that he is gone. Living with the chaos of alcoholism and never knowing what you are going to find when you get home is just so stressful and sad. I got to the point in my marriage that if my husband hadn't sobered up I would have left. He realized I was at the end of my rope and he was sick and tired of being sick. We also have two very young boys and he wanted to be the father that his father never was. He realized he was turning into his dad and that scared him.
Prayers to you and please know that you are not alone.
Big hugs to your Rachel Blue. No one can answer if this is the right thing for you to do as everyone's story is different. I can tell you that I went through a very similar situation with my highly functioning AH. Well, I say highly functioning until his disease progressed and got a lot worse. I had a situation where my husband stayed home from work when he was supposed to have quit drinking and was supposed to pick me up from the train that I take home from work and he didn't show. Came home only to find out he had been drinking all day. They say not to engage the A when they are still drinking but I lost it and kicked him out of the house. I found living with the A when they were still drinking very very hard. My husband finally found sobriety and detoxed in a hospital and had severe shakes, throwing up (no hallucinations thank goodness) but the dr. told him that he could have died and that was very eye opening for both of us. Unfortunately it sounds like your husband has not reached rock bottom yet. Maybe you kicking him out of the house will be his rock bottom, maybe not. However, I hope you can find a good face to face meeting you can attend as those meeting were life saving to me when I was in the midst of a crisis. It is hard but there is nothing that you can do about the situation and you need to start focusing on yourself. I found face to face meetings were a great way to start as well as letting some family members and friends in on what was going on at home.
I can relate to your thought on feeling relief that he is gone. Living with the chaos of alcoholism and never knowing what you are going to find when you get home is just so stressful and sad. I got to the point in my marriage that if my husband hadn't sobered up I would have left. He realized I was at the end of my rope and he was sick and tired of being sick. We also have two very young boys and he wanted to be the father that his father never was. He realized he was turning into his dad and that scared him.
Prayers to you and please know that you are not alone.
Like others have said there is no one right answer, but there is your inner voice and it sounds like you are listening to yours, checking-in with your feelings and taking time to reflect. This is where i am learning and living into my program.
My AH is in a honeymoon phase right now - he had a slip at the beginning of the year and swore off drink again, but still has not sought out a program. He quit drinking with a few friends and they are supportive of one another but all still very new in their sobriety and still sick in many ways. He makes comments about how easy it is to quit, but I don't think he has the tools to address the deeper layers of his disease. With this in mind I started getting my "ducks in a row" I just know for myself that I need a plan for how I will keep myself and my son physically and emotionally safe if/when my AH drinks again. Just having this plan helps me feel more empowered. I also know I don't have to wait for something bad to happen I can choose at any time to separate from AH which gives me a sense of relief and choices. I also have time and patience and do not need to take any action until I am ready. For now my learning is coming from this space of uncertainty about my own future and feeling my way through this murkiness in my relationship with AH. I sense that even if things came to a head with his drinking and I felt it necessary to leave, these murky feelings would still be there, maybe become even stronger and more confusing. I need to take time to figure out my own emotions and my own barriers to growth. I am working on finding my inner voice and figuring out how I can show up for my own life.
Thanks for sharing your story, you are not alone and these feelings of uncertainty or questioning your choices/actions are in my heart as well. (((Hugs)))
All I can say is the drinking is the tip of the iceberg there is so much more to the disease itself and what it does to those around it not just in it.
The disease will say whatever it wants to say to keep it going, the tears, promises and so on.
The bigger question is what do YOU want and where are YOU going? He's going to drink or not drink .. it truly only matters what you do. I am positive it was someone here who said in a post .. if you knew now that nothing was going to change in terms of getting better and it was only going to get worse (alcoholism is a progressive disease as any addiction is) would you want to stay knowing nothing was going to change AND it was seriously only going to get worse without a program of recovery? We are talking 5,10, 15 years out, can you love your alcoholic right where he is in the disease? (this goes for the reverse situation as well). For me the disease was just to intense and my reactions to the disease were totally unhealthy .. even looking back though with 100k hours of alanon .. I don't think I would want to stay and that's MY choice that doesn't mean it's the right one for everyone because everyone is in a different place in their relationships as well as recovery.
So it's not about right or wrong .. it's really about .. what is right for you. Alanon helped me find those answers and move forward in the best positive way I can although I have moments where stringing my qualifier up by the gonads is right up there with making a morning cup of coffee .. lol.
It IS ok to be angry about this situation by the way .. I don't care how you slice it .. it's a completely rational response to an irrational situation .. what are you going to DO with the anger .. that's more important. Process it and move on is the better way to go. Again knowing he's showing you who he is and he's pretty much saying through the disease he really doesn't need to change .. after all if nothing changes nothing changes.
There are 3 ways out for an A of any kind .. recovery which is the best option for all involved (not saying that everything works out just saying at least there is hope for a healthier relationship), body bag and that's just statistics speaking, or institutionalized in jail or mental health ward. There is a 4th way however it just slows the process which is they find another enabler and it just slows the end result of dying down, still the same end game.
Keeping the focus on you and what you want for yourself is the way to go. I hope you will find some face to face meetings and get reading material even just the free pamphlets are wonderful. Alcoholism is a lifetime disease it is never cured only put into remission and it doesn't matter if someone has a day or 50 years at any given point the disease can call them back. I remember my XAH's A mother saying to me .. well he went to rehab that should have fixed him .. lol .. umm .. NO .. that's a lifetime rehab, not 30 days and there are never any more issues. Life continues to happen and so I know from my own experience I can't fix my own broken mind with my own broken mind .. I need others who have trail blazed the way so I can find my own path.
Keep coming back .. hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
