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I have been feeling even worse, physically, than usual - resulting in increased hopelessness and desperation. I think I have mentioned how awful my family is - and they are the ones I am staying with while trying to figure out my health. Anyways - Friday night I was in such need of support, I reached out to ex-AF, because how could someone who loves me simply ignore me? Wrong. He never responded - even after I followed up the next morning. Last time he outright ignored me, he ultimately revealed that he believed me to be "spying" on him via burner phones, etc. This is absurd on many levels... Not the least of which is I'm sick, not a drug dealer, and have nothing to gain from such activities - even if I knew how to implement them! Anyways, I'm really scared he genuinely believes these things about me again - and will just vanish and never speak to me again. Some of you may say that's for he best - but I can't handle us ending like that. Not in hatred. I don't know what to do. I want to reach out again, but don't know what else to say - and feel so rejected and further hopeless.
Thanks for listening.
Hi Jaclyn. Your title shows that you know reaching out to your XA or your family are both ways of going to a dry well for water, or, the hardware store for bread...so who else can you reach out to? Do you do online meetings? I believe there are also some form of telephone meetings that take place (someone else might know more about this). Reaching out in new ways might help you heal and grow. Reaching out to people you know can't give you what you need is likely to make you feel more stuck than ever! As the saying goes, if you want something to change, do something different!! Talking to people who are recovery minded is more likely to lift you up than talking to people who are usually negative and make you feel unhappy.
Sorry you're still feeling so poor. Hugs. I hope you get to the bottom of it asap.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 28th of February 2016 11:10:25 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
You are not leaving in hatred with your AF. You know that you don't hate him. You don't really even know what he feels about you because he is a sick person. Sick people don't have real feelings.
Right now you have to take care of yourself. Find some like-minded people in the rooms of recovery. Get to meetings! Get some positivity around you.
Here is a link to a list of Al-Anon telephone meetings. I have participated in a telephone meeting and found it very good. It is so supportive to know that there are people all around the country and the world who understand how we feel.
Missmeliss - For my entire adult life (until the past 1.5-2 years), he was so amazing to me. Was absolutely there for me. When I reach out to him, I am looking for that person. Is that person just gone?
Maryjane - do you mind elaborating re sick people not having real feelings? Is that to mean his supposed hate for me is not real?
Freetime - thanks.
I don't think anyone is the same from one day to the next really. I do understand how truly painful it is when someone who once loved and cared for you stops doing that and instead gives out pain and confusion. It's awful. Your A might again one day become a loving and dependable person, or he might not. But for now it doesn't sound as though he has that to offer you, and it doesn't sound like reaching out to him is bringing you any comfort or happiness. I really hope you can find ways to connect with people that offer support and nurturing.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Alcoholism is a 3 fold illness..... physical, emotional and spiritual. The emotional part is what I am talking about. I believe they "spout off at the mouth" so often for many reasons...... manipulation? hurt? anger? fear? wanting space and not knowing how to say it? I have known many alcoholics who just need to explode, and then the next day they said "all is well now". I was all twisted with believing they meant what they said, but they just had to explode. Sometimes it means a lot and sometimes it means nothing. The point is, we have no idea which of those it is.
That is why I go to meetings to remind myself constantly to detach.
I had to dive into local meetings and find a sponsor to help me wrap my mind around how to take care of myself. I was reaching out to empty people struggling to fill themselves up and I was latching onto them like I would die without them. I didn't feel whole until I started reading my 3 alanon daily readers and getting the books suggested by others here at MIP and at my face to face meetings like "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I read and dsaw myself in the readings and it helped me to change my perspective, slowly but surely. Mt sponsor loved me when I didn't know how, until I was able. I am glad you are here and keep digging into alanon! Sending you love and support on your new journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I cannot stop looking at social media of ex-AF and it's just all happiness with the new girl (she is not a woman). She just posts how she's the luckiest in the world, etc. How can he do this? How do I make myself stop looking? I feel like my heart will never recover from this. Can anyone relate? I feel like I'm dying...
i did the same thing....until i saw that i was "drinking" resentment. so i had to turn it over to my Higher Power - Please give me something else to obsess about for the next five minutes. And the next five, and the next five. Gradually i was able to breathe in between the bouts of resentment, and when the thoughts would erupt, I would let myself feel the anger for a while, then let it go, knowing it was ultimately hurting me.
It was, and is, still hard, but I am able to stay away from "stalking" him. I also know that since he is an Alcoholic, whatever he has now is not True, and that he will continue, unless he gets in a program, to self-destruct, no matter how happy he may now seem. It is a disease, and we "didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. I pray for him, but I focus now on myself and turning my will over to my Higher Power.
Sounds like withdrawal Jaclyn. Suggest you treat this like an addiction, dive as far into al anon as you can, attend meetings online and via phone e as advised, and have hope and faith that you will overcome this and find hapiness that doesnt depend on the love of a broken unavailable person.
It will get easier, how quickly is up to you now.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hi Jaclyn, you have been offered some excellent suggestions. I'm getting the impression you aren't really hearing them. Your wrapped up in your own obsession and it keeps the mind closed tighttly. Well that's my experience. When I eventually got to my first meeting I was offered good words and a few that got me thinking and to be honest they annoyed me but they helped. I'm going to offer you some of what I got.
I suggest you go to a meeting and end the self pity party you are having. You are not a victim of anyone but your own distorted thinking. No one is hurting you except you and the way your choosing to think about it. If you had a bad infection would you sit back, let it fester feel sorry for yourself and blame the wound? Or you could go to a doctor, take the medicine and begin recovering. Consider why you haven't chose recovery yet. Your sitting in excited misery, maybe even enjoying it. Take what you like, i hope you get to a meeting and get what you need.
I think many people have observed that the ex can't possibly have such a happy time with the new girlfriend, not in the long run and probably not for more than a few minutes a day in the short run - because alcoholics are not happy people (they are desperately selfish and miserable) and no one can be in a give-and-take, loving relationship with one - they're simply not emotionally available for it.
The question, then, is why you choose to keep believing or tormenting yourself with the illusion that they are happy. And that you cannot be happy without him.
That is the real question, it seems to me. What are the rewards of continuing to think this way?
I know sometimes I didn't know who I was if I wasn't a victim. I felt like denying my victimhood would be to say my pain didn't matter. The truth is that my pain mattered, but there were a lot of aspects to me apart from "victim," and staying in that one identity was me limiting me, not them limiting me.
First and foremost - to those of you who replied with empathy, respect, and ESH... I don't have the words to tell you how much it means to me. I understand I sound like a broken record re him... This is just my only place to get involved in the program while I figure out my physical health.
BreakingFree - I am currently reading 'Codependent No More' and 'Women Who Love Too Much'. Thank you so much for the suggestion.
Rosemeyer - Thank you for validating that I'm not the only one who struggles with this... Even more so, for the reminder that he is not and will not be truly happy until/if he recovers.
MissMeliss - As usual, thanks so much for your kind reply. I have joined the online meetings several times, plan to do a phone meeting later today, and have started reading 'How Al Anon Works', along with two other books mentioned above.
Mattie - What you say always hits home with me. I know it may not seem like it, based on my struggles and plight on here, but it really does. I don't know why I believe so deeply the illusion that they are happy. I guess it is just such an intense fear that my brain is buying into it, and I promise I am doing all I can (including suggestions of those here) to fight this. I will think more about what you said about being a victim... But I didn't feel like a victim until fairly recently. Regardless, I definitely feel like one now - so have to work on that. Thank you thank you.
On another note, I'd like to address you, El-Cee. I take GREAT offense to your post, and think going forward you should get the correct information before you make assumptions. I am reading and re-reading all of my suggestions and support on here, like a fiend. I am experiencing ill health and cannot function at even 20% - so your analogy was in especially poor taste. My current health predicament makes F2F meetings impossible, and even the reading and writing on here is a strain given my current health, but this is me pushing and fighting for myself, my emotional health, and recovery. Lastly, how dare you even suggest that I am enjoying even one second of this?
Women who love too much was my first "eye opener" book, along with Codependent No More and Getting Them Sober.
Good choices.
If you do the phone meeting, I'd love to know how you find it. I don't know if we have them here but I'd like to find out as I can't always get out for various reasons.
Hugs and keep going forward; it's always darkest before the dawn u know
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hey all--I haven't been on here in a couple weeks and trying to catch up on reading everyone's posts.
I'm so sorry Jaclyn that things have not improved for you. It truly sucks to have a broken heart and I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I dread the day my kids have to go through relationship struggles. It really does feel like you are dying! Just know that I have been there--maybe not the same exact situation as you--but similar and have felt the same feelings.
I want to point out that you see your exAF seemingly getting on with his life. I'm wondering if you realize that you could do the same thing too. Why should you sit in misery while he is out there having fun with another mate? I know you are physically unable now, but I'm praying when you get well that many doors of opportunity open for you. You sound like you have a ton to offer in a relationship and you deserve the same in return.
Just the other night my AH and I were arguing. Well I was doing most of the yelling and voicing my unhappiness and what do you know? The next minute he's laying in the bed snoring!! I thought to myself why the hell am I getting so worked up over things when he can just go to sleep?!! It's obviously not bothering him enough to lose sleep over it so why should I??
Hang in there--you will make it out of this. (((HUGS)))
Another thing you could do (that always makes me laugh) is make up 2 newspaper advertisements to sell your A, as you think of him in his worst way and how you think of him in his best way. Like "for sale, one man who won't....., can't......, will keep you up nights, will not responsible for anything, blah, blah, blah........
And the second one will name all his good qualities that you saw in him and you can figure out if these qualities are still in him.
My guess is that the first ad will be the one that he is today. The second is your fantasyland.... who he used to be.
Don't you think that the second woman who he has latched on to will figure out who he really is? Then you will have to feel sorry for her.
Ahh, I see where your coming from now Jaclyn. Im sorry I offended you. I kind of thought it might. I hope you get everything you need, honestly. These were the best words anyone ever spoke to me when I was new in Alanon. All the sympathy and understanding in the world just never done it for me. I took the chance it might help you, sorry. I wish you well.x
I've successfully gone the the entire week without texting, emailing, calling, or stalking his/her social media accounts. That being said, I am - like an addict - fiening to do so. I feel like if I don't, he'll forget about me. I am totally aware that is my trying to control something that I cannot... But all the awareness in the world is not helping me with the horrible scenarios that my brain is telling me (same stuff I've mentioned - he'll actually give our life to her, hate me, forget I was ever there). I've been trying to go in the chat room here or read more literature, which is helpful to an extent - but I'm just so fearful and panicky. Thanks for being here for me.
Jaclyn - the chat room/meeting room here is very friendly when there are folks around. I've never had a bad experience going in there and sharing or chatting. Since you are home-bound, have you tried any of the phone meetings? We don't have them here @ MIP but I've seen mention of them on this board. Just a thought....
Another thought - in my world, we have members who will bring meetings to someone who can't get out/about. You might call local Al-Anon groups to see if that's an option. I believe one reason why we stay stuck is because of patterns of isolating and patterns of crazy-making thinking.
Just some ideas if you aren't able to find what helps you best here or in the chat room. I was able to find new ways of thinking by changing things up. So, anything you can do differently might bring you some relief/hope.
Good to see you have not made contact. Just for today, maybe you can continue that new habit?
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks so much, IAH. How do I reach out to individual groups about potential "home" meetings? Re contact - I am taking it by the second as I am struggling so badly to stay away. Someone remind me why reaching out is so bad?
Nothing you can do but let it go...ball is in his court.
Focus on getting well and your motives. As long as you know who you are what does it matter what his perspective is and an alcoholic is coming from paranoia and delusion. Remember the slogan,
" Its none of my business what you think of me." this is a slogan to live by.
"Let it go..." So simplistic, but to me it is an abstract concept my heart cannot grasp. Anyone have trouble with letting go of a person? Especially knowing that letting go could sever the last little connection to someone you love with your whole being?
Sorry Jaclyn - having eye issues yesterday. Around here, each group has a phone number listed. Just call the number and talk to whomever answers. If it's a machine, leave a brief message asking if they bring meetings to people. Not all groups do it so you may have to try more than one...
HTH!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I too am having a terrible time with letting. I've loved this person for 30 years and things have gotten to the point where I can't even talk to him at all. If he does answer it's nasty, or he doesn't answer and it drives me crazy. The only thing we can do, and it's easier said than done, is try and remember that they are sick and it has nothing to do with us.
Thanks, IAH and Marnie. It just hurts so badly - and I have immense trouble staying busy because of my health predicament. I miss the him I love almost as much as I miss my healthy self. It's horrifying. Thanks to everyone for listening and responding. Means a lot to me.
