The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What i mean is. The 'normal' idea society feeds us about how to love is very dangerous, life threatening for an active drinker and the affected partner. We, who end up with alcoholic partners think we love very deeply. Look at all we do, in the name of love. We very often take verbal, maybe physical abuse because we love him. We clean up his mess, over and over again, in the name of love, we tidy up the dirty facts of the disease, we hide it, pretend its not that bad all in the name of love. We look at him through strange, fuzzy lying rose coloured spectacles. We think its such a shame for them, they are so weak and need us so much, noone else in this unkverse understands them like us or loves them like us. We are so special, they are so special and so very different so the normal social rules and behaviours cant possibly apply to our unique relationship.
I cant believe i spent almost 20 years believing this talk in my head. Deep denial kept me in it. I didnt know. I couldnt see it. We both kept each others disease alive and progressive and we called it love. Crazy.
With my son, luckily i learned about enabling and codependancy. These are not love, they are behaviours that are harmful and keep the disease going on and on. The fixing, rescuing, hiding, stealing of valuable consequences. All this was bad for my son in so many levels. He got worse and worse, so did i. Then i learned better and i detached with love. I learned that to love an alcoholic properly takes very careful words and actions. For example, if the alcoholic gets a dui, we think, wrongly, we should help them with this, get a lawyer, maybe write a letter to the judge, its not his fault etc. When in fact the right thing to do is absolutely nothing. No words of comfort or soothing, no actions on our part to make things easier for them. Sounds heartless, even cold to some but this is real love, the proler appropriate unselfish, non fear based, non martyr love.
Thanks for this post LC I knw that i had to redifine the meaning of many words when i entered program and "Love" was one of them I thought that your idea of love was what love meant (Wrong) but found as you indicate that this is not love.
Today Thanks to mch work in program , I believe that a partnership based on love requires two whole people walking side by side facing life not two half people holding each other up. I cannot "Need" another to complete me. I must be complete on my own
Interesting topic'Now I still believe that love between two people can be patient, kind, accepting,understanding and compassionate- however I know that I must first "love+ myself enough before I can love another.
I love this post El-Cee.....I too had to rethink and redefine many words and past perceptions I had embraced and believed for so many years. I too found it eye-opening when reality arrived by working this program. I did not realize how side-tracked my brain and thinking was until I detached from this disease and my qualifiers.
I spent so much time being sick with the affects of this disease but do view those now as formative years. I do believe I had to go through what I went through to get where I am. Thank you for your heart-felt post and grateful that Al-Anon has shown me how to be all I can be for me and that healthy love is vastly different than I previously thought and believed.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
