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My A is in "forced" rehab (we don't really have interventions here). The program is for 3 months and they teach some good things like Yoga, meditation, control tools and techniques, education about Alcoholism, Alcoholics, AA (in house and outside if the person is not likely to run away ).
He was unemployed and I used to pay (I realize now, too much) for some errands. His sister lives in a small village in the remote north of our country. Imp: where there are no AA meetings. Nearest ones are around 5 hours away. And already, he doesn't think the meetings help. From what I've read, he's not hit bottom, not close but anyway that none of my business. He was a nice boy until things well downhill rapidly after what I think his childhood horrible trauma surfaced. I want to detach with love and help as much as possible. I think he was a victim of the worst type of childhood incest that you can ever imagine. He lives with guilt, feels he is dirty etc. I tried my best to console, but it kind of gets worse somehow because of course, he needs psychiatric help (incidentally, he is not opening up with the psychiatrists at the facility which I think is normal). His mom died when he was 2. I really care for the person minus the alcohol.
My A will be out in about 2 weeks. Now, I'm in a quandary. Do I allow him to continue to stay with me (and I dread the potential hell)? Or, do I send him to his sister's place, where there's her family, kids to play with? He makes her life a bit of hell too.
He does not allow me to function. I believe he was the reason for my losing one of my very high paying jobs and being under constant stress in my next. He was not letting me live in peace when he was active. Drinking, loud bad TV, constant muttering, 600 phone calls when I am traveling, forcing me to return back abruptly when I was on my way to visit my very sick mom mom etc. I developed some anxiety issues, with palpitations, fluttering in the stomach due to hyper acidity etc. And I thought my life was over 3 months back. I was getting ready for death I think.
I want to care for my A. All my friends who know about him feel that he should be out of my life. I feel that way many times. His Sister is very keen to look after him (she was always his Mom after their mom died). Should I send him to live with his sister? He never liked to live in that village for more than 20 days at a stretch so far. Should I support them financially without my A knowing? They are struggling their small business.
PS: He likes dogs, puppies a lot, loves music. Had ambitions to be a star song writer and singer but didn't get anywhere close to his dreams. Talks a lot about dying, but has not attempted anything serious especially when he is sober.
-- Edited by manas on Saturday 27th of February 2016 01:57:13 AM
-- Edited by manas on Saturday 27th of February 2016 02:04:50 AM
-- Edited by manas on Saturday 27th of February 2016 02:05:05 AM
Hi Attending alanon meetings, wroking the Steps and keeping the focus on yourself will help with this decision. If he is in a forced rehab, I would hope that they will have a discharge plan that includes obtaining employment etc. Your concern must be on your recovery
Good luck.
I too believe that your recovery must come first. The program can help you gain clarity and confidence so you can make proper decisions for your life without extensive emotional 'baggage' that this disease brings. The 3 Cs come to mind - you didn't cause this, you can't cure this and you can't control this. Only he can embrace recovery and only he can choose his journey following his discharge. Nothing changes if nothing changes - as adults, we often have to endure situations, places and things we don't like. What he wants vs. what he needs are probably two very different things, but in either case it's not about him - it's about you. What do you need? What do you want?
Take good care of yourself and keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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