The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am just wondering if anyone has had this similar situation and has some good tips on how you were able to detach and not dwell.
My AH who had been sober (on his own, no program) for three months had started in the past week to relapse. I knew it was coming and even though I am sad about it and disappointed, I am trying my best to detach and let him handle his problems and feel his feelings. Last night when I was arriving home with our son at the end of the day, I could hear the radio going in the kitchen and the smells of spaghetti sauce cooking and dryer sheets in the laundry. I know instantly that he's been drinking (even though bottle and can evidence would never be visible). He sometimes will feel guilty when he drinks and so he ramps up his household help and cooking so smooth me over.
I feel like I got through it well last night. We ate as a family. I thanked him for cooking dinner for us and retired up to bed early. Normally after the baby was in bed, there would have been an argument about his drinking and he would then use the fact that he cooked and did laundry against me and so on.
What I am not happy about is the guilt I feel today. Thinking back on it, I feel like I was cold to him. Not mean, but just distant and standoffish. The way I see it, there is no point in trying to have a normal exchange with him, because he's not there (its his alter ego once he takes one sip). This morning he was very pouty around the house, sulking and not making eye contact. I again was able to just say "goodbye" and get going for the day. So, while I am proud of these mini achievements, I dwell on it ALL DAY LONG. That's the part I would like to do away with.
I don't know if I have any esh for you, but want to say Good For You! I'm very familiar with my AH doing things around the house or for the family and then wanting a lot pats on the back, and sulking if I don't fall all over myself thanking and snuggling and being oh-so-grateful.
You sound like you did a great job of detatching! You were thankful and then went about your business. Dwelling on it a bit is probably a natural response after changing from how you used to approach similar situations. You can feel that, congratulate yourself on how you handled it, and give it to HP. It's not perfect, it's progress, right?
((((CoopsMom)))) that is one way the disease affects all that come into contact with it especially the empathetic and compassionate victims. It leaves us feeling less than and bad about ourselves and our inability to help more or fix better. "Alcoholism can never be cured and arrested only by total abstinence". He is not totally abstinent and that is not on you. He will and can learn total abstinence in the groups of recovering alcoholics who know and know that they know how to get and stay sober. That isn't easy and that also is not on you. Allow yourself your thoughts and feelings and don't judge them for yourself. Get into the meeting rooms and learn how others of us handle it. You are not alone in this. ((((hugs))))
Hey (((CoopsMom)))
I think when we start to make noticable changes it feels awkward and scary to everyone at first. I remember feeling worried and guilty all day too, inventing reasons to call him even, to check if my detaching or new boundaries from the night before or, that morning, had rocked the boat too much. I can well relate to dwelling on it all day long, over and over but as you do, i knew I had to make changes no matter what (or I would go completely mad) and I remember a really funny moment, maybe a month or so after i began to "detach in a big way", I was riding my bike and I rode past one of my daughter's friend's fathers...he was standing sadly in his front yard obviously drunk and I suddenly realised "hey, i have one of them at home!!" (the point was, I hadn't thought about him ALL DAY, and it took me by surprise to realise it!!). I remember feeling absurdly proud of myself for going an entire day without thinking about my A, or worrying that he might be unhappy with me or come home drunk or...anything. Just working my program one day at a time slowly freed me from the obsession and worry. It happened more and more frequently after that- suddenly realising that I hadn't thought of it all morning, all day....
Keep on keeping on. It will 'do away with itself' lol!!
Hugs.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
(((Coopsmom))) - so sorry that you are carrying around added feelings today. I do understand, and have been there. I went about my day so many times wondering if I could have or should have said something, done something, etc. different and if the outcome would have been different. I am one who can over-analyze anything if I am not careful. When I am uncertain about my relationships and actions with others, I have come to rely on the sound mind of my sponsor and/or a trusted friend as well as done a ton of praying about it.
This disease does cause me to second guess myself more than anything else in my existence. It is so unpredictable that keeping things as simple as I can and keeping my side of the street cleaned up is my best practice. For me, one thought leads to another and the next thing I realize - I'm projecting into a horrible relapse and/or a fairy-tale ending - neither of which are impossible but certainly are not present, here and now.
So, be gentle with you - you did great reacting differently than before and choosing a different path. It is uncomfortable to make changes as we have changed up the 'dance' so to speak. Keep following your journey, your program and your heart. Things around here did go from chaos/drama to uncertain/awkward to reasonably peaceful - based on my recovery/lack of reacting.
You are not alone - we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It sounds like your husband may have been sulking today because he felt guilty for drinking....maybe it wasn't because of your reaction(i.e. standoffish) last night. I really think you did a great job detaching. I think it is very hard detaching when you are living with an active alcoholic. Don't be too hard on yourself about your standoffish behavior (I feel like I would have had the same exact reaction). I think it took a lot of courage and program not to react. Hopefully this will steer him into the right direction and back to focusing on his sobriety. Big hugs to you.
