The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Alanon tells us not to give advice and to suggest someone actually leaves their alcoholic partner could be the wrong thing. We don't know all the facts and details enough to ever tell someone to do that. However, it is an option, a choice.
We are so sick when we live with active drinking. Our relationships are so distorted and disturbed, codependency is the name of the game in an alcoholic marriage. Hes addicted to drink we are addicted to him and the drama. Going from crisis to crisis, the Adrenalin coursing through our veins, we are addicts just the same.
We sensibly tell people not to make any big decisions, like leaving, until we have had around 6 mths to a year in Alanon. I get that, its so that our decision is a solid decision based on sane rational thinking that our program can give us. Making it earlier means it may come from the insanity and our own addiction and we will more than likely be sucked back in and maybe be in an even worse situation.
I left my ex before Alanon and maybe without Alanon I would have got back with him and stayed on the merrygoround. Having the time and space to work this 12 step program was good for me. Im not sure it would have been as quick if I was still married to an A.
Leaving was the right thing for me. I had to work it out on my own though. I had to be with him until I couldnt. take it too the absolute max. Leaving is an option for everyone. It might be the right decision. We all have choices and leaving is a valid choice.
No-one must stay with an active alcoholic no matter what excuses and reasons we cling to. We always have choices.
Hi LC Thanks for this great reminder. I found that once I accepted that I had choices, even though I did not like any of these"choices"it really helped me to feel less trapped and depressed.
I decided to leave my marriage after I found myself seriously thinking of murdering my husband. I then knew it was time to go. I did, he got sober and we reunited. I do believe in doing the thing we fear the most as it has worked for me
((((Hugs)))) El-cee, this is so right for me today, thank you for your thoughts.
I am so aware of the changes that have taken place in me as I try to stay with my husband. We have had some successes, he is two and a half years sober, but my optimism about our relationship ever becoming an equal one or about my own recovery reaching its full potential has diminished. Despite my awareness and joy in so much of life I continue to look like the crazy partner. Let go, let God comes to mind!
Great post El-Cee and such a powerful message. For me, reducing my own insanity and focusing on me, my actions, reactions, fears, etc. gave me the gift of choices. I honestly looked at things so black/white, right/wrong before that it seemed I had to do 'All in' or 'Nothing'.....with the gift of self-esteem and self-love, I realized that I had choices and they were mine to make, keep, change, etc.
What works for me may not work for another, and that's OK! We each have our own journey and we each need to reach a bottom that works to propel us to the next level. I am grateful that my journey brought me here and to Al-Anon as the gifts have far exceeded the pain, chaos and drama of my journey before.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This a very Al-Anon suggestion for me El-Cee. It is what I hear early on in recovery and also what I did. I also learned to love her before I left and had no reason to be married to her when I did. (((hugs)))
Wonderful post, El Cee. I remember when I was early on in recovery when I would go to meeting wishing for someone, anyone, to tell me to leave my XAH. I couldn't make a decision for myself. I had no spine. I had no resolve. I had no boundaries.
As you said, that's why it's important to have some recovery work under our belts BEFORE we make big decisions regarding our relationships. We need to be fully present, have released ourselves from denial, have some step work completed, etc before we are even remotely sane enough to actually know what is best for ourselves. Heck, I didn't even know myself when I started in program. I was a shell of myself and I was blind to what was really going on within me.
Today I have tools and I have recovery and I have a program. These things have helped me get sane and find serenity and peace. It's not always easy and I often take two steps back after a few steps forward, but I know that today I am always progressing in a forward motion and I am no longer stagnant and fearful and full of shame or guilt. AL Anon has helped me free myself from many of those issues or, at the very least, given me the strength to face my character defects and still love myself despite my shortcomings and failures.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
We cannot say when it is time to leave the Addict. I agree with El-Cee, it is a choice.
I will say that once I did leave that a lot of the problems were lifted, even though Alanon did give me the tools to be able to co exist with him.
I never doubted that love for him. But I did want him to stop drinking, It never happened. because lets be honest, living with an addict is a difficult path to choose, because who would choose it. I know everyone's plight is different and every Alcoholic is different. We cannot put them in one category. Whether we stay or go, there is still the self to contend with, for along the path we have picked up behaviors from the insanity of trying to cope with it and we also have our innate flaws.
I believe we hang on for so long and accept our lives because fundamentally we are social beings and want to share our lives with another person. We accept the unacceptable because we want to love and be loved. Doesn't everyone. Love saves the day...Love conquers all.. If I'm not loved then I am not worthy. We are told, you must love yourself first...what does that mean? Isn't that selfish.
Well, no its isn't ..
I really believe that the world is full of people, who do not truly love themselves, not just externally, but profoundly, internal . Wouldn't that be great if all parents started with their offspring, at a very young age. But life is complex and each generation is dealing with the rules and ideas of the last generation.
When you think about it, it is our birth right to be happy, to give ourselves all the nurturing we deserve as human beings. If you have never gotten it, from your parents, teachers, husbands, wives then start mentoring the self, try to stay away from negative situations, make better choices. We are all just trying to live our life in the best way we know how, but we can always do better. Choices, all my troubles and suffering always came from bad choices and just being needy. I finally reached this point at the age I am now that I am responsible for me.
Before I got into Alanon I knew what I had to do. I was just waiting for my 4th daughter to get finished with high school so we could leave this insanity and try to be happy. Then he got his DUI and AA , and I found AlAnon. Then I was told not to make any quick decisions. I needed to work the steps and go to lots of meetings. I went to one AlAnon meeting every day for 3 months. Then I had to go back to work so I backed it down to 4 a week. And as I got to know myself better I found that I could live and be happy with how things were at the time...... always giving myself the choice to change my mind. I would always say, "today I am married. Who knows about the future?"
If I had listened to myself..... If I had listened to others who asked me why I was still married..... If I had made a rash decision.... if, if, if. Today I am married. I don't know about tomorrow.
Always give yourself the gift of time. I had changed in the years that I was living with an active alcoholic. I was a different person at home that I was in the outside world. And then I started AlAnon. I became another different person. My goal was to be happy again. I look back at the person I was when I first married, the person I was after 29 years of marriage to an active alcoholic, the person I was after 1 year of AlAnon, and then to now....... I am different people in all scenerios. If I had acted without thinking at any of those times, and when I was with an active alcoholic I certainly was not thinking about myself and my happiness..... if I had acted, I probably would not end up happy.
I am certain we all need the support that we find in AlAnon and encouragement from those who have walked in the same shoes. In the end we all have to make our own decision. And we have to give ourselves the privilege to be able to change our mind.
I've been in Al-Anon for 7 years and I still can't decide to stay or go. I met with my sponsor the other day about feeling trapped again. She reminded me that I have choices, and I need to take care of myself. My husband is sober most of the time (in his mind he never drinks anymore). I am more scared the older I get a about growing old with a dry drunk. I am applying for part-time jobs. I think that will help. Making small steps; not sure where I am going; but without Al-Anon, I know I would truly be crazy and make rash decisions.
