The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I attended an AA meeting today, needed a 12 step program, was really good and met with a man from the program afterwards and I told him what is happening in my home-ABF drunk behaviors, talking, cheating on me with his ex-wife, (yes, he got a hotel room with her and had sex according to her), he denied that he had sex with her. I saw the credit card and what hotel they spend the night in. I was horrified. He to this day denied he ever slept with her and says she is lying to try and get back together with him. Its a he said, she said, but the fact is he spent the night in a hotel with her. My AA friend said to me, he is a drunk and your only a house fixture like the windows to him and payments for the mortgage and a back up for emergency funds! Man was that hard to hear, but its the truth! He says, he does not care about you what so ever, he does not respect or value you! He does not care! The only thing that he cares about is the bottle and what he can get! He is a user, abuser, womanizer and its no wonder his three wifes before left him. Who could put up with that! My friend says start preparing to leave and we came up with a plan...an escape plan for me. I am seeing the truth for what it is and man, I am mad at myself for moving in with him a year ago. I knew he was a drunk, I knew, yet I moved in with him, thinking I can change him. He changed me instead to a mean, angry, hurtful person. That is not who I am. My AA friends says get balls like a man! Stand up for yourself! Today, after meeting with my AA friend, I got so mad, mad that I allow myself to be treated like crap! I deserve better! I drove home and screamed in my car, I deserve better, I am not an object to be used and abused. I am worthy. I even screamed at god, help me, get me out of this nightmare of an alcoholic relationship, I can not take another day! I am tired of hurting and living with pain, God help me! I screamed God help me not to be emotionally connected to my ABF anymore. Set me free from him! Break the chains that bind me to him! I screamed that as I drove! I am grateful that no-one heard me screaming that, they would have gotten concerned for me! I am sure god heard me as I screamed it out as much as I could! If he did not, he is deaf and I do not believe my higher power is! I am sure god got the message!
I just wanted to share that this is where I am at today!
"I am seeing the truth for what it is"... what a profound statement. It hung in the air in my own home tonight as I read your words. HP reminded me that the truth will set me free - but it is not without pain. Pain is a motivator for change - a sign I have outgrown my current situation. I am no longer complacent and compliant. I am stronger and flexing my emotional and spiritual muscles, yet that flexing is uncomfortable and new....Truth and what it really "is"- is a very big thing for me tonight.
Thank you for this difficult share. "I am worthy"... that too struck me as the truth.
Thank you for sharing Joker, sounds like you are in an excellent place to be honest. Your post reminds me of my bottom which was kind of like a spiritual awakening on its own. A kind of waking up to the hard facts here. Your in a good place. I strongly recommend getting to an Alanon meeting asap. Your mind has opened and when my mind was like yours, screaming enough then I absorbed this programme like a sponge.
Then the work began and I started to recover from the symptoms deep within me that meant I was attracted to an alcoholic in the first place. It sounds like your higher power put this man in front of you for a good reason. Youve got a gift in your hands, I hope you get enough recovery to see it.
In Alanon we have the 3-A's.... awareness, acceptance and action. It sounds like you got the awareness and are working on the acceptance. Next comes the action. Sometimes you slip back and forth between two of them. And then you get it are firmly into action. Take care of yourself.
The last two are tough ones, thats where
steps One two and three come in. Handing
over Self will, your acceptance and letting your
HP Be in charge not you. Self love and
self acceptance with a loving HP holding
Your hand.
Those things took me a long while of attending
Many meetings and listening with an open Mind
and to be willing to change and grow.
Keep doing the next best thing then the next.
Its hard, thats where HP comes in giving you
Love, Strength and courage.
I remember my sponsor saying to me in the beginning of my journey that some of the reason for the back and forth was the fact that the kids and I were his bat and balls (pardon the pun there .. lol), however it is the only way to think of it. He wanted nothing to do with us unless there was a pay off for what he wanted and got out of the deal. It was the emotional work, the excuse to act out and the list goes on. It was very unhealthy is putting it mildly. Even now the kids are still his objects and he constantly wants to put me in a box and has found out that just like the God of my understanding .. there is no box big enough to put me in that I won't bust out of.
An active addict doesn't have the ability to see others as people because it would mean having to accept responsibility for their part of the issue. It's much easier and businesses do it all the time .. people are numbers and things not people who have real lives. This is really why we have some of the atrocities happen that do in work place situations .. there is absolutely nothing more dangerous than someone who has nothing left to lose.
An object doesn't have feelings or thoughts and can be moved from the table to the shelf without any thought of that might not be the right place for that object.
It is a painful thought to have, .. after all I would much rather been seen as a person than an object.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
