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Post Info TOPIC: Having trouble with personal decisions


Senior Member

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Having trouble with personal decisions


I have been in a dysfunctional alcoholic marriage for so long that I am not sure sometimes what is an appropriate way of behaving and what is being selfish.  

I have an opportunity to take a road trip with my sister (with whom I am very close to emotionally but she is 2 states away so we don't get a lot of time together).   I would fly from California to her home in Colorado, then we would drive to see my daughter and her family in Texas.  I have wanted a road trip like this for so long, but my husband has back issues and doesn't do car rides well so he always prefers to fly.  He is retired and I am not.  He is 13 years older than I am.  He has a very small world and most (99.9%) of what he does outside our home is because I plan it for us.  I have offered MANY suggestions to him of things he could try out in an attempt to expand his world, but he always has a reason why he cannot do it.  For example, volunteer work, a part time job, a hobby.  

Here is the problem, he is going to be hurt that I am going on this trip without him.  He is not going to like that I am leaving him behind.  He complains that I do too many things without him.  I am trying to go to an exercise class 3 times a week after work, he makes me feel guilty for not coming straight home from work.  I have become very overweight lately and am trying to get my weight down to a healthier number.  He doesn't like me to be overweight but would prefer I would just stop eating all together to taking time away from home!

I want to inform him of what I am doing.  I don't want to ask his permission.  I don't want to give him an opportunity to say things designed to make me feel guilty.  How do normal marriages handle things like this?  I feel like a kid right now asking this question.  I will be 50 years old this year and I should know this by now.

BTW, I would LOVE it if he made a plan to do something with his brother.  I would never make him feel guilty for it.  I wish he would do things with his family.  I always have to be the instigator.  

 



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Bethany

"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be."  Abe Lincoln



~*Service Worker*~

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((Bethany)) I can readily identify with your dilemma. Trying to accommodate a stay-at-home person. I too made my needs invisible and supported all his efforts regardless of how I felt. That was prior to Al-Anon and I had no other tools.

Al-Anon taught me that I could have compassion, empathy and love for another while still taking care of myself. First things first meant I had to look within and find out what was important to me and then go about obtaining it. Doing this, I was validating my own personhood and not in validating anybody else. My hubby, like yours had choices. He made his choices and limited his life, and that did not mean that I, as a partner and to do the same. I offered my hubby the opportunity to take trips with me and that if he refused. I made sure he understood, that this was important to me and that I loved him. regardless of whether he went to her not. It took time, but he finally came around.

As far as going to the gym three times a week. I applaud you. I have continued to go to the gym and to meetings stating they were for my mental health and well-being. We could have dinner a little later and we did.

Be gentle with yourself, it is a process. Nobody likes change Good luck

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Veteran Member

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Way to go on the exercise Bethany..that's awesome and it sounds like you are taking care of you and you deserve that. My AH (long sober but no program) often makes me feel that I am ignoring him when I do things for my daughters or myself like Al-Anon meetings and Weight Watchers meetings (yes--I'm a "triple winner" lol) He will say he is always "last" and other such nonsense.

I always sincerely "invite" even when I know the answer will be no and I am "over" the fact that he will just not do some things. Guilt turned to resentment and then I pray about the resentment. In the end I always choose to "go" and have always been glad in the end that I did.

Normal marriage?? Do those 2 words go together? Friends I know that don't struggle with alcoholism in the family don't even claim to have a "normal " marriage!

Peace!



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Thorn


~*Service Worker*~

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I would do it so you are being true to yourself.
You have to feel good about your decisions.

Alcoholic marriages are fraught with dysfunction
And control. My ex was dry yet control was his
Go to persona.

Personally i would just say you are going and
Go about it. I did not live with an active A so i
should Not even comment.

His falling would concern me while i was gone
plus the safety Of the house and pets if you
have any. Not saying stay home you could
Have Someone keep an eye on things.

((((( bethany )))))

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~*Service Worker*~

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(((Bethany))) - I am sending you prayers and positive thoughts. My AH has chosen golf and booze over me, the boys, our home and family for our entire marriage. So, as I've worked to do my own thing, increase my time with friends, travel to see my parents, etc. I just plan and go. We have a rescue dog and I take care of her, but he does/will if I am unable/out of town.

So, I just booked travel to go to FL for a wedding in April, and had asked him if he wanted to go. He hem-haw'd around for a bit and didn't give an answer so I went forward. I then asked him if he would watch the dog while I was gone. He just accepted it, but asked if he could go with the next time I go see my parents......and I said Sure...

My best suggestion is to follow your heart and have your girl/sister trip. You can suggest he begin working on a trip with you for the next one and see if perhaps he'll take the lead.....mine tends to surprise me when I am least suspecting it!

Good luck with your processing - pray about it and the answers will come!!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

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He has a very small world and most (99.9%) of what he does outside our home is because I plan it for us.  I have offered MANY suggestions to him of things he could try out in an attempt to expand his world, but he always has a reason why he cannot do it.

Just wanted to let you know I totally understand this statement! He is to drunk on his days off work (my abf) to expand his world!!!



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Veteran Member

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I think we all have ideas about what marriage and a relationship is suppose to be. I think sometimes we are worried about appearances.

I think love is not about sitting on the couch holding each others hands and gazing into our eyes, that stuff gets old real quick. Especially when they are alcoholic. Our instincts are to run..I think love is about supporting each others goals, wants and needs, to a point.

The stress of living with an addict can be daunting, sometimes I felt trapped and in a cage... I needed a lot of to diffuse that stress was going on trips, I looked forward to not being around the drinking. I went to Italy a few times. Mexico...I took a lot of trips. Staying home and being there for the alcoholic does not save your marriage. The addict will find something else to complain about, like going to the Gym 3 days a week. How arrogant of him to believe he is so interesting and that you get all your needs from him. He knows he has an issue, he should be encouraging to enjoy yourself. He is a selfish, alcoholic man.

If I were you I would plan that trip and go and enjoy yourself you deserve it. Stop with the guilt thing already, it will cripple you, It will do him good to miss you.

Hugs,

Bettina



-- Edited by Bettina2 on Thursday 25th of February 2016 06:11:13 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Like everything worthwhile, it takes practice and isn't natural or comfortable to start out with. I found it very hard to go and do things outside the home too, but the more i did it the easier it got!

I do notice that most of what you have said is about what you think HE thinks about what you want do. Really, what he thinks about you is none of your business..we can miss out of a LOT of life when we act according to what we think other people will think of us...!!!

How do you feel about the things you want/plan to do? Excited? Proud of your efforts at exercise? Optimistic? Forgetting about what you think he thinks (or even what he SAYS he thinks), how do you feel about these activities?


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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Yikes, control issues. My hubby would love it if I conformed my life to all the things he likes too. And I did for many years. And then I started to look at the times he would conform to what I wanted. Not much on that list.

I started doing what I wanted some times.... not a lot, but I started. And then I started doing it more. I had to hide some stuff until it was about to happen because he would lay the guilt on me.... and I accepted it when it happened, but if I could hide it long enough I could just get on with what I wanted to do. Mine also involved taking trips with the kids, with the school, with lady friends. I also felt trapped in a cage until I took it in my own hands to get out of that cage.

He wanted me to "sit on the shelf" until he was ready to take me off the shelf and play and then put me back on the shelf where I was supposed to be seen and not heard and be happy that I was there. What an insane idea from a drunk.

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maryjane
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