The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just had another moment of clarity after reading on fear! My ABF is emotionally blackmailing me! A member had wrote her alcoholic had said god is going to bless us and I added what ABF had said, same words and if we are together, and another member wrote (this man does not want god in his life right now). I see that my ABF wants me to stay in this empty emotional relationship because he has me to dish his lies, bullshit, abuse, verbal vomit, fantasy, god thoughts, beliefs, plans that never come true, his disease on. I am his garbage bin to puck in! What is his motive, his motive is to dump his abuse, religion, beliefs, ideas, plans, unrealistic thoughts, plans, beliefs, lies, fantasy onto me because he knows I will not object or walk away. I will stay and take it and take it and even when my garbage can is full, he will keep dumping into it till its overflowing and it spreads through out the kitchen and then keep spilling into the rest of the house until the house is filled to the ceiling or I flip out in anger. When I first met him, his house was a filthy mess, he did not care. He just lived in the mess and kept adding to it. He had lost all hope and was alone. I came into the picture and began cleaning up, his mess! Straightening him out. He does not want sanity, structure, cleanness. He does not believe he deserves that and I am forcing him to be responsible, clean, sober, in control, focused. That is not who he wants to be right now! He wants to be a slob! I need to let him be a slob in all areas of his life. If i want things different, I need to make my own home. He knows I love him and he is using me. End of story. Using me to make himself look better so he can say, see, I have a beautiful girlfriend, she loves me, she puts up with my garbage, drunkenness, lies, cheating, anger, abuse. I am a good man, she is with. As well, another thing a member said is I share like an open book with him and share my heart and mind! How many times I have done that. Then what I say to him, he uses against me when he is drunk! I have to work on not saying anything to him that is none of his business. I am to use him for physical purpose only, nothing else! I have to stop being his garbage can! He wants to be a slob, he can do it elsewhere! I have to stand up for myself and stop being his garbage can! I have to walk away, not listen, not be around him when he is on pity pot. He needs to face his own mess! I can no longer be his emotional savior or accept what he says to be true. Its not true and its not based on realty! As one member said what he says is not real! Its based on his fantasy! His imagination that is not real! He is mentally sick and honestly believes what he says to be true and convinces me that its true when its not! He says he can heal people with his hands and he has. He says when he is filled with the holy spirit his hands tingle and get hot and he can heal people from their ailments, he has a mission to be a preacher-god spoke to him and told him that, he said god told him to prepare his home for healing as many people will be lined up to be healed, god told him pastor Dennis, and that my mission is to pray over people and heal them, and your with a pastor and I will travel all over healing people, are you ready for this lifestyle, it will be hard, are you ready for this, and then quotes a bible verse...meanwhile, he picks up another drink...then he goes to the bar and says this to people in the pub and says can I pray over you and begins praying in public and talking about what god said to him and quotes bible verses...all meanwhile drunk, then says I prayed over so and so and they accepted Jesus into their lives. Am I not great! I am doing gods will, I am praying over people while I am drunk! I am such a great guy! Praise me, praise me...I am the best! I saved another soul! I am preaching while drunk, am I not fantastic! I am the best!
His motive for doing this is to make me see what a great guy he is and if I leave I would be leaving a man of god! Heaven forbid I leave a man of good that is doing gods will. He is gods messenger and I need to believe him, everything he says because its the truth. He knows the truth after all-he spent 13 years sober and reading the bible. I better not leave him as he is a great guy saving people!
There are a number of "men of God" with the same truth buried deep in their psyches that will never come out. So sad. I'm glad you are coming to these insights.
What us spouses fail to recognize when we are living with an active addict is that their brains do not work .....period.
Their brain disorder gets worse and worse , even if they stop drinking it takes 2 years to be fully functional in the brain again...if they are lucky and depending on their age. I don't think an addict can think up a plan to keep you there or has the brain power to be that devious.
Truth is they don't know what they are doing half the time.
Your relationship started by cleaning his mess....and picking up the pieces. Who cares what his motives are. Who cares who the better person is, its not a moral issue. He is going to continue to put fuel to the fire in order to drink. That's what Alcoholics do. You are trying to make some logic out of it when there is none. An alcoholic will do what he has to do to drink...bottom line.
My question... what are you going to do? Are you going to make it about HIM? Or are you going to do something for YOU? I loved the art of detachment because it took all the weight off of my shoulders. We are not responsible for them. Blame is a hot potato...We all have a part in it. I hope you continue to work to find solutions for YOU so you can be happy and live a creative fulfilled life. Keep coming back.
Hugs, Bettina
LOL .. and I only laugh because my XAH now totes the man of God statements. According to him I'm the devil incarnate which hey .. I'll own I just don't put up with BS sober or drunk from him.
The other term I would suggest you read on is "gas lighting" it's very enlightening.
You know my XAH is only doing what A's know to do and he's definitely got the whole double winner thing going on .. 3 out of for parental figures were A's (2 of the 3 have passed and the 3rd is active again) the 4th was non treated Alanon during his formable years.
So his survival reactions that no longer apply in the real world, Saving Mr. Banks is a great movie for untreated Alanon issues. I watch that going yup .. that explains sooo much in my own life.
Men of God are not perfect and sick Men of God is based upon their own interpretation of what is right for them and how to manipulate the current situation. I tend to think of the Bible like the US Constitution .. it's manipulated to fit the moment and no one really knows the intent since the people who wrote it are all dead.
It doesn't matter what your X thinks or what my X thinks .. what do YOU think and what do YOU want? After all if he calls you a rock is it true? Or do you believe it because HE says it's true.
Just something to think about.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
