The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just had another moment of clarity. I was reading on fear on this board and I see that fear has kept me stuck. Fear of rejection, fear of being judged bad, fear of being alone, fear of not being loved, fear of stepping into the unknown, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of abuse, fear of things being out of control, and other insane fears. It is this fear that makes me want to control people places and things so I will not have to experience the feeling of not being good enough. It like I have to prove myself and make me something I am not. I have these ideas of what I need to do and be, to fit it, to be accepted. I set impossible standards for myself that are unrealistic and expect others to do as I say. These are my standards, not others. One of these standards is I must work my ass off, I must give all, I must not give up no matter what, I have to hang in there, I have to, have to, have to. There is no have to, its all in my head and what I make myself believe. I have choices. If I do not want to, I can say no. I do not have to keep a perfect clean house, I do not have to control. I have this belief that if I control the ABF, I can stop him form drinking. If I keep telling him what to do, how to do it, when to do it, everything will be ok. I will feel safe. I am GOD! I can stop the fears i am feeling if he does what I say!
I see that he has lived in this city for 14 years before me and he survived on his own. I have been in his life for 2 years and I expect to be GOD and make his life what I WANT. He made it here in this city on his own without his family before I came into the picture. What makes me believe that I can SAVE him from what he believes, thinks, does...he has been drinking now for 5 years, and had been sober for 13 years prior, way before I came into the picture. What grand idea do I have that will save him from himself. He is his own person just like I am. I am not his boss, mother, sister, ect. He made it this far without me int the picture and he will survive without me. He has before and I am not his savior. I have to look after me, keep me safe, get the help I need to make the right decisions for myself. I can not stay in a sinking ship. I have to save myself! Let go of the fears I have and stop trying to save him, let my fears go! Let my control go! I have to accept what I have in front of me! He is useless! I can not depend on him! I have to go where I can get help! I have to let fear and control stop keeping me stuck and not able to move forward! I have to reach out!
Great awareness and insight Joker I too found that I could not make "one person " my HP and go to for everything. I needed many to help support me, emotionally and spiritually .
I am glad you are here .
Joker - great post and awareness......I have such a funny brain - what popped in my head was Doctor Phil who often used to say, "When we know better, we do better." In my own brain, I would mumble ...unless you are affected by addiction/alcoholism."
But his point is spot on - we, each one of us, has to determine our journey and what is revealed comes to us when we need to be aware of it. Awareness in my program has been a blessing as it's the catalyst often driving me to see change is needed, want to start changing and knowing it can't happen over-night (in most cases).
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
funny,how those old beliefs/ways pop up automatically. For instance, I am starting a job today. I havnt worked for quite a while in the paycheck sense. My new guy talked about it last night and he was very supportive. This morning he emailed me with a
oops ..short sentence of supportive and i automatically judged him by my standards and thought'he cant spare the words?' Then I remebered that computer and phone arent his strong suit. He is the best when we sit and talk in person. So i changed my anger to gratitude that he left this note. Gosh, takes a old dog like me a long tme to learn and erase those old patterns of thought
alyce
