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I'm telling you what just when I get to a point where my blood has calmed that man does something so dang stupid I think I can actually see the fire coming out of my ears we are beyond smoke at this point.
This is not my problem it's exactly what my attorney said .. the judge in our case could tell him he's out of line and wrong (and he actually has told him that in other cases), my XAH absolutely has no conscious about his ability to sink lower and lower. He absolutely HAS to be BPD .. there is just no doubt in my mind and I do not believe he's always been that way however I'm sure his last 40+ years has warped him the same ways I was warped by the disease of alcoholism. It is such a shame that two damaged humans just can't do better than this, I am not going to let this go .. I absolutely refuse especially after watching others who have and have paid financially dearly for it.
I'm sure my support will be a late and it will because it's not his fault that the weather turned on him. The insurance company set it up so I could talk about the kids stuff and I am about positive he flipped it .. he's done this to me in the past.
Honestly I am trying to remain calm and remember why feasting on his entrails in my domain is not the wise way to go. Just for today, I am in a butt kicking mood and wrestling with my justifiable resentments which I do not want to hear one word about forgiveness is key. I'm dealing with a very rational emotional response to an extremely irrational persons thought process which is just not normal when it comes to other people. I get that the resentments do me harm .. just for the moment I am going to enjoy my darkest of dark fantasies and then just for today I will remind myself a normal healthy person does NOT do that to another person.
Thanks for the vent .. and as a reminder I am sooo NOT a victim .. I am soooo much better than where my emotions want to run. Thank GOD they are feelings and not facts. I kid you not my brain has processed things in 60 seconds that I'm not proud of .. you know what .. LOL .. they are actually pretty good, warped and funny. Thank GOD, I have a terrible sense of humor that is directly related to indirect harm .. oi.
S
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Oh Serenity......so very sorry for where you are but I can relate......there are times in life where I am just left with SMH....and your part - I will remind myself a normal healthy person does NOT do that to another person... - is the very processing point I land at often...
My sponsor allows me an interval to vent and/or have self-pity and then says, it's time to let it go. I have said to her (more times than I can count), "I feel like my reaction to this is not adult!!" She then reminds me that the event is not very adult/proper either.
I am sorry that he's playing games and monkey-shining around. You'll get through this and I'm not going to mention the F word that you referenced about - but I will suggest the Breathe word to you......that simple word and act has become such a powerful tool for me that I never thought would work as well as it does!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Serenity, you have no idea how you are helping me today! Of course, I am very, very sorry you have to go through this, but your experience, your strength, your maturity in the program absolutely shines through.
I beat myself up every time I get angry, forgetting that feeling the anger, understanding that feelings are feeling, not fact, then letting them go up in smoke is actually helpful and healthy.
I love how you said "I am soooo much better than where my emotions want to run". That, and Iamhere's reminder that "the event is not very adult/proper either" are going to help carry me through the next crashing wave!
Very honestly the only reason my maturity is shining through on this situation is because I live 800 miles away and the idea of wasting a 14 hour car trip one direction is not the way I want to go. I would prefer to go and visit my friends than waste time on him. I will be in a kick a$$ red dress and my little girl red boots on to kick a little Texas sized a$$. That will happen soon enough.
LMAO .. God help that man if I ever win the lotto big .. oi .. I would drop a small bomb of DTD on him hoping that it would kill all of the cockroaches in the Midwest. Just think I'm actually feeling much better than I was .. lol.
I'm adulting at the moment and from time to time it's a piss poor attempt it is an attempt. I have not felt like adulting since I have not felt well and I've got a sick kid on my hands on top of the current insurance bill I'm dealing with.
So breathe is the operative word.
It's been a stressful week and yet here I still stand which is a good thing.
Oh on a brighter note I did get support on time .. I was very good however as I pointed out to the CW (current wife). There is no excuse for me to get my check late especially when there are 5 different ways to pay support, I have no doubt he never gets paid late. This was after letting her know I need to have access to speak with the insurance company, or they could pay 100% of the bills I can't resolve.
(This is why his attorney doesn't like me on the stand) It's kind of a DUH moment and the judge is nodding his head going umm .. YUP. I love the fact that the judge in our case told his attorney one time to sit down and be quiet. LOL .. I know not nice however it made my day.
Changing the subject .. my daughter has a date this weekend and I can't wait to hear how that works out. We were talking about dating and teaching her boyfriend how to treat her. I'm very proud of her she is letting him take some of the lead and drawing her own boundaries. She always says to me, Mom do you have any idea what a strong woman you are? It's not that I don't want a romantic partner. I often think there is not a man who can keep pace with someone like me, boy would I like to find out if someone could. I think I dance outside the circle of normal and it scares me to think that it's only the addicts who can keep pace.
I'm working on my softer edges.
Thanks for letting me share and I'm glad someone got something good out of my anger vent.
Which by the way .. anger is neither good or bad like any emotion it just is .. I no longer deny that I feel it and I do not feel shame in experiencing or guilt for that matter .. it's what I DO with the anger that I have to watch. Anger doesn't give me the right to lash out at other people just because they happen to be close this actually includes my ex and his counter part .. however I DO have the right to express myself in a productive way. What they do with that is on them .. lol.
Hugs, S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Love your post and can relate when things set me off. I just wanted to add my beloved sponsors favorite thing to say. "Normal is a setting on the dryer, there is no one normal setting for people." Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
