The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in and out of Al-Anon as well as OA for 20 years. I am finally living some of the promises, but one painful side effect is truly knowing that I'm not willing to live with my husband of 23 years, who has stopped using drugs and alcohol--not completely but mostly--for 3 years but is not in a 12-step program or in therapy, i.e., not in recovery. I feel guilty because I've stuck it out for so long, and my daughter is still in high school and my son in college. Why rock the boat? But I feel the lightness and the heaviness of realizing that I can leave this man and in fact I will actually feel relieved and fully alive if I do. How do you know when it's time to leave?
I left when I fully accepted that it wasn't going to get any better. Living in the insanity was just not something I was willing to endure any more. I think I finally gave up the unrealistic hope I had been harboring all that time. It sounds as if you're pretty close to that place.
jacsuemarie - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad that you shared with us.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease that often isn't arrested without recovery. I've seen folks get rid of the alcohol or still have the 'isms'....they are very miserable and often those around them are too....
The only person who can determine if it's time to go or not is you. You and your recovery with your sponsor and HP will know when it's time. In my situation it got better when I got better. My situation has improved greatly because I've stopped worrying about and obsessing about what others are doing. I have no hope of perfect - I am grateful for the progress I've had with myself and my situation.
(((Hugs))) to you - it's a tough decision especially with kids and those ages/stages. Each time I considered a different path, something happened and I viewed those events as 'don'ts' from my HP. So, even your best plan may get sidetracked by unexpected 'other' events well beyond your control.
Talk to your sponsor and your HP and the answers will come! Be true to you and trust the process!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
thanks for your words Iamhere; there are many times I feel the same as jacsuemarie; my AH is without the alcohol but still has the ism...... he is not in AA; but he goes to indiv counseling every other week and a recovery group twice a week. I found Al Anon almost 3 weeks ago; I am very new in my recovery (and even realizing I need recovery) so for now I am going to stay put and see how things play out for us both. I love the man; I don't love the ism and the words that come with it. We started out having the best day today in weeks and the ISM came out and pretty much ruined the rest of the day but if you ask AH it is all my fault and he has repeatedly told me that.
so that was today; tomorrow is a new day.
keep coming back; it works if you work it (been trying daily)
Welcome to the family JSM...good to have you here and participating for your sanity. The response that the only person who decides is you is the real one...no one can make that decision for you and making the decision on a day to day basis is how I did it. I left the partnership with my alcoholic/addict more than several times until I accepted that nothing would change if nothing would change. I love her and still that love wasn't so perfect that I would be willing to give my entire life, sanity and serenity for the chance that it might. She did finally get clean and sober and I still loved her and still accepted that gambling with my peace of mind and serenity in mid age wasn't a sane thing to do alcoholism and addiction is a fatal disease and that doesn't mean only for the drinker and/or user. I made the choice for myself and then stuck with it without knowing what the future held except other choices. I am glad I did cause with the help of the program and my Higher Power I received a life I could only dream for. Keep coming back and listening and learning and of course practicing. (((((hugs)))))
I felt like jerry. I left and all i had was other choices. I wont sacrice myself for anyone elses disease. My sponsor once told me its later than you think. Its so true, only you can decide.
To stay or to go is a very personal decision. Our program is always about turning the finger inward and taking responsibility for our part in any relationship. Only you know what that looks like in your marriage. An honest inventory with the 3 A's awareness, action and acceptance with a trusted Alanon sponsor and your higher power might bring more clarity. Once your motive is clear, you may be able to discern whether the issue is your marriage to your husband or something unresolved within yourself unrelated to that partnership. Step eleven may help guide you to the next right action that will honor you and your husband.
In support
TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 28th of February 2016 09:02:01 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
When do you know when it is time to leave your spouse?......
I was always told that it was when nothing you heard could talk you out of it. It didn't matter what anyone else thought. It was when you decided for yourself.
If you are worried about your children, talk it over with them. They are old enough now. They may surprise you with their reaction.
Only you can make that decision. Talk it over with someone you totally trust and also with your HP.
