Just wanted to share some insights and to let you all know that my daughter appears to be stabilizing on her new medication! I am so grateful! The home front appears stable with her for the moment! The nurse is coming to see her again today! The ABF drank from Thursday to late Saturday night, slept all day and went back to work for 4 days, out of town. I am home now alone with my daughter and all is calm for the moment. I have been doing some reading on recovery and I had a moment of clarity that I wanted to share. I grew up in an alcoholic home and my mother was the alcoholic. She was a binge drunk. All would be calm and she was present and then the urge to drink would hit her and she would be on a role and abandon me where ever for weeks, months at a time, with whom over would look after me. I was left with only the clothes on my back and she would be gone and I never knew when I would see her again. I remember being 9 years old and I had to make decisions for myself. I always felt like I did not belong. I was just there, another mouth to feed and clothe. I had to think about constant survival and I had an ache in my heart that absolutely nothing could fix. I just wanted my mom, sober and stable. I wanted a home, stability, my mom to look after me. It cried many tears for her and the life I wanted and never received from her. Then out of nowhere she would appear and things would be stable for a bit and then the drinking and abandonment would start all over again. I never felt safe ever in my life. I only wanted her to be sober. Today, she is 73 years old and she continues to drink and get drunk, between her sober days. It continues to be up and down. I can not trust her to be sober for more than 4 days, even today. When I was younger she would be sober maybe 3 months and then she would be gone again. My stepfather, was the sober one and he did what he could to protect us from her and we spend many times looking in back alleys in our hometown for her, finding her and sobering her up and things for awhile would be ok and then she would take off again. I look back and I am thankful, I had my stepfather that was sober and did not drink. I learned what sobriety looked like. The problem with him is he has mental health issues and he would be off...institutionalized for months at a time. During those times, my mothers drinking really would go off and I was just another burden to her. She could not be a mother and provide any stability for me when my stepfather was not around. I see today, that my life is a continuation of my parents life. I am the one ( Step-father) trying to control my ABF (mother) drinking and saving him from the drinking. I am the one keeping things under control like my stepfather did at home to manage my mothers drinking. He was strict with her and kept her busy so she would not drink, however, mom always found a way to get the drink in her and the insanity would start. My stepfather and her would fight and he would beat her, as she was drunk and just arguing with him for no reason. I would listen to my mom sad story as she drank and tried to stop her from upsetting my stepfather, who would be sober and just in bed reading or sleeping. I listen to my ABF when he is drunk just as I did with my mother, and try and control him from the consequences of his action, just like I did with my mother. I see that I am trying to save my mother (ABF) and make her sober. She is now 73 years old and still drinking. She will die drinking and I have come to accept that. I moved away from my hometown when I was 19 years old to get away from her embarrassing drunken behaviors..she would be drunk and staggering around in town, full daylight, and I would see that and be so embarrassed. By this point of my life, I had a job and my own home, so I did not need her. I had moved on, and with the support of my older sister, I moved 9 hours away, to start a new life. I have never moved home since. I see now that I am trying to save my mother (ABF), from his alcoholism. Its like in my mind, since I could not save my mother from her alcoholism, I could save my ABF from his alcoholism, like I am saving my mother. When my mothers alcoholism got at its worse, my stepfather lost his mind completely and we had to move out of our home, mom started drinking lysol daily, and I was left to be the mother of my younger siblings, and try and go to school, I finally had enough! I just could not do it anymore and I packed the few belongings I had and left. I am now 50 years old and I am like waking up to this reality all over again. I am so familiar with the drunkenness, talking to self when drunk, staggering around and the insanity going for days and days on end. I was so helpless then and so scared. I had to leave my siblings behind and they all end up in foster care. I believed that when I was 19 years old, I would be able to save my siblings and look after them. I could not. I was a mess myself and worked at a minimum paying job and could hardly look after me. I see now that I am reliving my childhood all over again by remaining in this relationship with my ABF. My head tells me this yet my heart is not able to do anything about it. I feel stuck and unable to move forward with moving out and getting a life for myself. I feel frozen like I did when I was a child. I see that I wanted a home all my life, a safe home, and now that I have a house I can call my own, I am unwilling to let it go!!!I am willing to tolerate hell to keep this house!!My head says its not worth it but my heart says its worth fighting for. Its like my head and heart are at two different places. I have been here in this city for 16 years now and I want a change but do not know where to go! I just feel stuck, frozen. I have a job that I am fearful of returning to(currently on sick leave) and I feel stuck in this relationship. I need to break free but I do not know how to! I am scared! I have no direction right now, I feel without a purpose, a goal! I feel like I am hanging by a thread of sanity. I am so use to the insanity I am afraid of peace, consistency, stability, structure. I know I need to change things but how, where do I go..I am searching for answers now and not knowing what the future holds for me now. I am just plain scared of change. Change of being alone and taking a risk. I am still spinning in the madness and choice I made to stay in this sick relationship. My heart says I love him, yet, the more awareness I receive, my mind says GET OUT OF THIS MADNESS. It feel so confusing right now. I do hope the answers come soon! Thanks for letting me release this!