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Post Info TOPIC: Master manipulaters


~*Service Worker*~

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Master manipulaters


I'm finding it hard to stand up for me when it comes to the addicts in my life its like their master manipulates and blamers so therefore I'm the one ,I live with 2 addicts one being my sister and my boyfriend live here with me,and omg it gets bad I'm to blame for everything and because I'm so easy going and good hearted it's the very thing that so scares me that will get me in trouble by just not knowing what's really going on wether it be driving them mainly my abf to somewhere or what company knocking at my door asking for him etc.etc... List goes on ,yes I guess I could get locked up just for having him in my life,my stomach has started hurting at times it's like it's uncontrollable don't want to put him out cause I don't really want to put nobody out in the cold , I'm having a bad day also so I guess with all this comes the what ifs into my life ,it gets on my mind of how innocent people can and do get shot with. Stray bullet.............thanks for letting me vent,,,,,,,Lu.still working step one.and I'm getting it.



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((HUGS))

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Kats

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you -  Lewis B. Smedes



~*Service Worker*~

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I have had the majority of my life being manipulated by addicts. Since joining alanon and working the program, NO MORE! I won't allow it anymore. And I didn't get a divorce or put anyone out. I'm just treating myself with respect. Try it, you might like it, Lyne

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Lyne



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Lookingup,

When do the lines of being easy going and good hearted start getting blurred? Do your boundaries ever kick in?

You don't want to put anyone out in the cold, yet its ok to put yourself in harms way. I think having two alchoholics in your home is very difficult to deal with. Like Lyne says you don't have to put anyone out of your home. Its about your boundaries and what you will allow.

Keep coming back and try to implement the tools and solutions of Alanon. It works if you work it
Hugs Bettina

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~*Service Worker*~

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They're only out in the cold if they choose to be.  They have the power of deciding: "out in the cold" or treating you respectfully.  If they prefer "out in the cold" to treating you respectfully, why should you control their decision?  Let them decide that they'd prefer living elsewhere.

In fact "out in the cold" is a great example of their manipulation.  Like they'd be huddling under a bridge, shivering.  In my experience, alcoholics are much more resourceful than they let other people think.  They can find somewhere else to live without any more problems than the average non-alcoholic.  They just cry and plead and threaten to make us think they can't.  They're adults just like the rest of us.  They wouldn't be living "out in the cold."  They just say that to manipulate us into doing what they want.

I challenged a friend in a similar situation to call her A's bluff.  Would he really be homeless if she insisted that he leave?  He had her half scared to death that "she would be responsible" for his homelessness.  Finally she did it, she got him out, and in the six years since he's never been homeless.  So she endured a lot for years out of fear of something that didn't even happen.  (And if it had, it would have been entirely his choices, not her responsibility.)

But sometimes when we say "They couldn't live without me," we actually mean "I don't know if I could live without them."

However, I don't know many people who could stay sane and grounded in a household with two alcoholics.  Most can't do it even with one.  It is no wonder you are feeling the strain.  Take care of yourself.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Detaching from the disease and the diseased + proper boundaries can certainly help your circumstances.

In my world, with 3 active at once, it was a pointless effort to try to suggest rules while the insanity is going on. I took everything they said and did personally too which only caused me more anxiety, sadness and stress. They certainly were not spending time being concerned about my feelings or my anxiety. The disease created selfish and self-serving egomaniacs.

Working the Al-Anon program, using a sponsor and going to meetings will help you determine the best next steps for your situation. Typically in a home with alcoholism, manipulation is happening on all sides. You can only be manipulated if you allow yourself to be...once I began recovery, and got some peace of mind and boundaries, mine revolted for a while and then they quit the games. If I wasn't willing to engage, it took a lot of sport out of it and their efforts literally stopped with me. They found others to manipulate and/or use up until that no longer worked.

You are the only one with the power to change your situation and/or your outlook. For me, it began with meetings followed by a dedicated effort to work this program to the best of my ability. It's never easy to be around/living with active alcoholism, but it is possible when you keep the focus on you.

(((Hugs))) LU - keep coming back!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1008
Date:

Thanks to everybody here that's posted ,and yes it sure helps me a lot hearing your esh on topics such as this,I never realized just how hard it really was to live with active users,mine living here are drugs,yes they play their games.i thank everybody here for listening....hugs lu

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Do the next right thing~

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1896
Date:

Hi l-u,

My number one rule for me is that if someone manipulates me it's because of three things -

  • They are so good I didn't notice
  • I am so clueless I didn't notice - perhaps because of HALT, perhaps because I am naturally codependent
  • I let them manipulate me. If I have awareness of the manipulation, my responsibility to myself is to call them on it and not let them do it.

Once I am aware of it, tools are say what I mean, mean what I say, and don't say it mean.  Also, "No" is a complete sentence.

Keep coming back

Kenny



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