The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi I'm KG and my boyfriend is in the midst of a 2 week bender. He has been in a rapid relapse cycle for the past 4 months or so, and like so many others say, he is Mr Wonderful when he is sober - I've never gotten along better with a man than I do with him. When he drinks, he becomes a belligerent arse and I want nothing to do with him.
We don't live together, so I can avoid him when he drinks, but I feel like that is punishing him. Whenever he calls and I can hear him slur, I keep the conversation short. If he wants to see me, I decline, telling him 'I'd love to see you but you are not sober. You are always welcome when you are sober, but when you aren't, I don't want to be around you'. He challenges me, says "I need you now more than ever", but what can I do for him? He lies about being sober and when he has done this, I have sent him away (when it's safe for him to drive).
When he drunk dials, I just let the phone ring. This infuriates him, and the nasty texts begin. Then the 'I'm sorry, I love you so much' texts follow. It's crazy, and it just makes me so sad to see him unravel like this.
I'm looking for advice on how others who do not live with their A manage their active drinking. Do you keep your distance completely?
Aloha KG and welcome to the board it is good to have you here participating. I love your post although we doing give advise...we share experiences actual stuff that helped us learn or sent us out like you to find ESH experience-strength and hope. I am hearing that you are doing good responding to him...leaving the consequences with him and the time and ability and facility to get help. Some Al-Anon members I know would hand the phone number to AA to their alcoholic and then turn around and walk away. AA works when they work it and will not if they don't. You cannot work it for him you can just not get in the way of him working it which is what I hear you doing so well now. Yay for you...stick around and get sane and serene with us. ((((hugs))))
Welcome KG, I think you are taking care of you! sometimes I am only safe when I separate contact with my active A's. I encourage you to find a meeting, they have helped me a ton! Keep coming back!
-- Edited by Katsfree on Tuesday 23rd of February 2016 07:20:41 AM
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Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
KG - I too welcome you to MIP - so glad you found us and found your courage to join us. Alcoholism is a progressive powerful disease that is also considered a family disease. It affect the drinker but also those who try to live with, love and/or support them. AA is for them if/when they choose to recover; Al-Anon is for us as we too are affected by the disease.
I too would recommend finding some local meeting(s) and giving them a try. As you learn more about the disease, you can also learn how it affects us. As you recover, you will learn how to set healthy boundaries that intend to protect you and not be punitive to them.
I believe it's perfectly find to choose to not want to be with a drunk person. Of course, I am thinking logically. Alcoholics typically lack logic especially when they are active and denial is a powerful component to the disease.
So, take care you you and know that you aren't alone! Keep coming back and keep learning, growing and recovering!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
