The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've never done this before so I'm not sure where I should start. I have always loved an addict from the time I was a just a young girl. My life has had numerous addicts and I have never been without trying to love one. I became really great at helping people with addiction to alcohol find sobriety. I often wonder when my ex husband (recovering addict of 5 yrs) looks at me and says why are you putting yourself through this again wasn't I exhausting enough, maybe I am addicted to loving people that can't love themselves enough to stop.
My struggle this time is far deeper than I can seem to manage on my own. He was my best friend. I helped him get into Rehab and he stayed clean for 10 months. He slowly progressed back to drinking convincing himself he had control. It wasn't overnight that things got bad for him. This time was a little different. We always referred to him by another name when he drank (like an alter ego, I will call R). It has become so bad that I wrote him a letter yesterday as if he was dead and sent it to him because I don't see my best friend anymore all I can see is R. I wake up in the morning and I wonder if someone will call me because this time he did drink himself to death. The pain is so great I am on anti anxiety medication for the first time in my life just to cope. I guess I want to know if anyone else has found themselves grieving (like a real death) someone that is still alive but no longer the person they knew?
J
-- Edited by jvbaker on Sunday 21st of February 2016 05:37:14 PM
You are not alone. I have experienced that feeling of grief for a person, "still alive but no longer the person I knew." There can be diseases like Alzheimers that do this to people and their loved ones ... in my case it was alcoholism that did it. It's not easy in either case. For me it was frightening. I do understand the anxiety. A disease has stolen the person as we knew them (or as we believed they were).
The best thing that helped me was Al-Anon, where I could be honest about my feelings and be among people who understood. Al-Anon made me remember that I deserved my own recovery.
Aloha JV...welcome to the board and I hope the MIP family will help. You post helped me to rehear help and guidance I received when I finally was able to get my head screwed on right and see the picture as others saw if from their own experiences. I was brain dead and blind as to what I was attempting to do and doing which didn't come close to helping. I made my addict and alcoholic angry and unhappy which wasn't near what I intended. An early question woke me up, "Do you know the disease and how to help someone who is suffering from it"? I stumbled for an honest answer however the most honest answer was no and I felt panicky. There was no way I could do what it was that I didn't know how to and stopping it was frightening as I knew I would have to stop until the program taught me a different way of helping my alcoholic/addict be responsible by not getting in the way which is what I was doing. I fought it and I struggled to learn and as I did learn I got better, healthier and happier and she found time and opportunity to get it done herself.
It took me two tries however I found Al-Anon and got in and stayed in and allowed my self to be taught and low and behold without my interference my alcoholic/addict wife got sober and clean...what a miracle. God did for her what I could not and that is how this works.
Keep coming back to MIP and follow thru on the suggestions of face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings in your area...you will get to save yourself. (((((hugs)))))
JV - I too welcome you to MIP. I can say yes - I felt that grief with my first born son and again with the 2nd. I had to do a 12 hour drive for a funeral and had just found out how lost into the 'other world' my son had become. I spent the entire drive crying and grieving for the little boy I loved and watched become so marvelously wonderful until he began his active use journey. I felt so deeply that he was gone from me forever as I had known him and I was quite convinced that he would loose his life very soon if he didn't get help.
In that drive, I truly had no choice but to call upon a force greater than I to get where I needed to go. I had voice recorded what I wanted him to know and hear from me, as his mother, as I was certainly convinced he would not live very much longer on this Earth. Needless to say, while it was a horrific ordeal to go through, I felt a level of comfort after I spent this energy realizing that if the worse case scenario did happen, he would leave knowing I cared and loved him and I would be expected to move on, and go forward. I did just that. When I returned to town a couple days later, I truly began my Al-Anon journey and asked God each day to lead my children to their proper path and to protect them as he knew to do.
I strongly encourage you to join Al-Anon - you will find that you are not alone and having support and the fellowship while you work your program is so very helpful. I have continued to do a ton of writing to both of my boys - but I never send the letters. It's more for me, to feel and heal - if I ever feel they desire to hear what I am thinking or feeling, I'll share then. I had no choice but to let them go and let God drive as my 'leadership' was pushing them further away from me.
There is hope in the program and there is peace, joy and comfort. Keep coming back and know that we're here for you - (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome from me as well. I know exactly what you are talking about. I've been with my A for 23 years. The first 13 years weren't bad, and I knew she was addicted to work and food but the alcohol took me entirely by surprise. And with the drinking came drinking and driving, lying, sneaking around, etc. What got me out of my severe pain and obsession was alanon. If I hadn't started working on myself I can't even imagine where I would be today. I grieved the marriage I used to have, thought I had, and wanted to have back. She is finally in a 12 step program but I would say not entirely committed. I have a new relationship with myself. My whole life is better taking one day at a time and daily practice of alanon tools. I have a sponsor and a F2F meeting that are A+. And the board is always here for me. In essence I have a new family who gets me! This June will be my 3rd year and if I could go back I would have joined alanon a good 30 years ago. But I can go forward. Keep coming back, Lyne
