The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been married to my Alcoholic for 26 years. The last 4 we have been separated. My 4 kids really prefer not to be around him. It took me years of analyzing every argument, praying for guidance, checking through my logic a million times to trust myself that it was okay to separate. It got to the point that I felt it was so irresponsible as a mother keeping him around that I was being just as destructive as he was. Of course, I still second guess myself. He goes through cycles now where we won't see or hear from him for a few weeks. He will then want to stop by and bring groceries and be this wonderful guy. He always asks to move back in. He will always push the limit and I have to reject him all over again. It hurts his feelings and then he goes away and drinks again. My kids and I enjoy life so much better when he isn't around. They get frustrated with these bouts when he tries to get back in. I'm ridden with guilt, pain and sympathy. He had a major fall while drinking and is in a lot of pain these days. I just feel so sorry for him. I love him but I never want him in my life. I still pray about it a lot. Does anyone struggle in this way? I feel like my boundaries aren't strong enough and I may have to go the next step of divorce. I really don't want to go through all that.
brkdrms - Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you posted. So sorry for the circumstances that bring you here - but wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, that is never cured but can be treated through recovery. Alcoholism is a family disease - most who live with or love an alcoholic are affected by it. AA is for the recovery of the alcoholic and Al-Anon is for family and friends affected by the disease.
I was able to get through my mixed bag of emotions and my heart/mind disconnect by attending Al-Anon meetings, and working the program as suggested. There are 12 Steps and tons of support and fellowship to guide you to a different/better way to live. So, try some meetings and see what you think.
Keep coming back - this program works if you work it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome, Brkdrms. I sure have felt that way - I've been calling my xAH a Dr. Jekell Mr. Hyde, for the flip flops in his personality. Through AlAnon (I am fairly new) I'm beginning to see the Dr. Jekell Mr. Hyde in myself - and if there was a third Mr., I'd have to include him as well!
One day I'm anguished by his pain and suffering, the next, I'm so angry with him, and not even over the bigger issues of infidelity and deception, but over the petty little issues - Yesterday I flew off the handle because he didn't thank me for the work I did on the garage sale of his stuff - all he did is say "you know you owe me half"....I was so irrationally angry.
The third Mr? That's the part of me that recognizes that the anger, denial and even the unhealthy pity I have towards him were coping mechanisms that I no longer have to hang on to. I couldn't go to a f2f meeting today, so went on-line: We were back to the First Step. I am ready to be ready for the "Turn it Over" part, but I guess I have a lot more work to do first.
Thanks for your share. As far as "the next step of divorce", I just learned the "Bless it or Block it" prayer. We really aren't alone, and we will be guided and held every step of the way.
