The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A has been dry for 3 months; the alcoholic behaviors and attitudes are still here.... I am new to this group (found it just a week or so ago) and new to Al Anon... looking forward to going to a F2F meeting this week. I have learned to "detach" and walk away, find something else to do when he acts this way.... well if I walk away he follows, if I leave the house he sends messages trying to continue his "point" whatever it may be at the time.... he has been so mean to me in his messages for the past 2 weeks, not sure why it is getting worse or what to do about it; then he is as sweet as pie in person. The words hurt me to my core and I just can't find it in myself to be nice to him after the things he has said and done. Not sure what to do.... if anyone has suggestions or experience please let me know.
-- Edited by mom 2 five on Saturday 20th of February 2016 12:25:50 PM
m2f - hello again and happy Saturday!! I don't have a ton more than what we discussed last night - focus on you, your children and enjoying the present as best you can. J-A-D-E comes to mind - Don't Justify, Don't Argue, Don't Defend and Don't Explain. Making the time to go to meetings and having a different structure in your days will help you detach in a healthy way. Reading the literature and working the steps will help you set up boundaries for your sanity vs. punishing him.
Keeping the focus on you, working to better understand the disease and getting to as many meetings as humanly possible will support your journey in recovery!
My AH only knows how to 'fight' and 'disagree' in an angry manner. He never learned how to communicate well and has no interest in changing. He says hurtful things on a regular basis. What I've learned in the program is that it's not him doing that talking, it's his disease. The disease, dry or active, wants him to isolate, drink, and continue down a self-destructive road to no where. The program helped me see him as he truly is - a kind person that I still care deeply about with a progressive, fatal disease he chooses to not treat at the present time.
I rely heavily on QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally! It's truly about him vs. about me when he acts like a toddler.....
Keep coming back - something that someone says will reach you and then it will begin to all make sense.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
