The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What if someone told you that you are the same as your alcoholic partner, would you believe them? I would have argued against this before alanon. Ive became aware, with amazement, that i have the disease of alcoholism, exact same disease, minus the drinking as the alcoholics in my life. I just never knew it. Not knowing it lead to me making up all sorts of stories to try and make sense of my chaotic life and relationships.
I believed completely that i was a victim of his drinking. That if he stopped drinking my problems would all be over, he was a monster, evil, just plain bad and his bad behaviour was ruining my life. I was the good one, i picked up the pieces, worried, fixed, controlled but i had too didnt i?
Then, i came to alanon, learned to look at me closely and i discovered that i was never his victim, it was in my head, i always had choices. I chose to play out roles that suited me to play. The martyr role was a hard one to break. People pleasing, fixing, controlling were deeply embedded within my behaviours and justified with amazing sets of beliefs. Of course the victim role was also deep within me and fear controlled most of this one. Fears which were story telling in my own head with fragments of evidence to justify and defend them.
Ultimately what i learned was that my alcoholic husbands bahaviours and actions were the same as mine. I was a master manipulator, the difference was mine was for good his was for evil. I was cunning and his disease was all about hiding and i was also hiding from life, not behind drink but behind him. Everything i could list about him, when it came to making that list about me, guess what? It was the same list. Amazing to me at the time.
This awareness gave me freedom. I didnt realise at first but i began getting compassion for him and me, i began to realise we were both just humans who were struggling with the effects of alcoholism. He wasnt anymore evil or bad than me. Neither of us were. We were just sick, plain and simple. Sick people who deserved compassion and then a bit of forgiveness crept in for both him and me. Wow, that was amazing, to forgive myself has been fantastic, life changing, cant be any more grateful for that baby. Forgiving him brought freedom. I got stronger and stronger and love then came in. Real love not fear based controlling messed up love that i had known before but just a simple feeling of acceptance of people for who they were. I dont ever use the bad, good gauge now. We are all humans, doing the best with what we know.
Opening up to the possibility that i was insane and sick just like the alcoholic, no different allowed me to be closer to the person i want to be. I have a life beyond my wildest dreams today. The alnon promises sticky at the top are true. Its attainable, doable. There are many people who know this and many who dont. It takes really working it, letting go of the whole poor me, its all his faults. Its a lie, let it go, seek the truth with this program and enjoy the ride. X
el-cee, What a powerful post. I was reading here before jumping into my day and I plan on carrying your words with me to contemplate as I go about my busyness today.
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
el-cee - great post - thanks so much for sharing. I so agree with all that you have shared. I recall vividly how black/white my thinking was before I began my journey. Good/Bad, Right/Wrong - so it went in my way of thinking. It took me time in this program to understand that I was powerless over so many things and my path to serenity had everything to do with owning my own insanity (Step 2).
I am so grateful that I can own my own parts and forgive myself as well as my qualifiers. It takes two to tango so they say and when I began to change, so did most things in my life. I too have a life I never thought would be possible when I arrived. I too was very selfish and self-centered in my ways, and felt like a victim. I now know that I was not a victim, but rather a volunteer. I choose to be happy now instead of trying to be right. It's so freeing!
Have an awesome day!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Yes, El Cee. I truly recognized this once I left my alcoholic marriage and couldn't 'hide' behind it or in it anymore. I couldn't blame my XAH. I had only myself to blame and look at with a mirror or even a microscope.
I have to also honestly say that my manipulative behaviors weren't really for 'good' nor were they were for 'bad'. They were a product of the environment in which I lived, a place where I felt I had no control and tried desperately to control it in an attempt to alleviate the pain.
Thank you for sharing this today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
El-cee, Thank you!!! You have put into words what I feel! Gratitude, compassion and empathy - for myself and my alcoholic come to mind when reading this.
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Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
Thanks for this post and all the comments; I am new here and your post really makes a lot of sense to me but I have not looked at it that way ....... I am just like a sponge soaking this all in.
I was a master manipulator, the difference was mine was for good his was for evil.
I got stronger and stronger and love then came in. Real love ..
el-cee .. heart thank you from me .. i think you are the reason i was led back to this room tonight .. i know beyond 'my 'doubts reading your beautiful share is a need for me tonight ..
I guess as i reflect i can't really determine whether his motive behind his behavior was good or evil either as i see deeply into me that mine was self serving at times too if i am honest .. but your share ? absolutely a treasure .. tucking it in my heart .. and i love the master manipulator for good .. have never thought of this perception .. thank you so much again .. heart hugs ..
