The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Haven't written in awhile but pop in and read posts to keep me going. I've been chugging along in my life, dealing with the good stretches and then empty promises, one step forward, two steps back. Taking care of my kids, doing my work, trying to detach like crazy in my marriage. Sometimes it works. If I am truthful with myself it feels very empty and very lonely. Which brings me to where I am now.
I told my AH (gosh, for the umpteenth time!) that he is not succeeding with his attempts at moderation. I told him I feel alone in my marriage, that the alcohol is his mistress and I will never be first. I told him I cannot continue to live without intimacy, without touch, without real conversation. I told him I would be attending Al-Anon meetings, that I will be joining a gym and taking care of myself. I told him I hope that he seeks help for himself, whether it's AA, an addiction counselor or rehab, because I might not still be here when the kids are all off to college.
And then. And then, the codependent person living in my brain surfaces. I want to rescue. I feel incredible guilt. I feel like I am cutting myself off from him and somehow not keeping my marriage vows.
And all this just for planning to go to the gym and some meetings alone? Have I completely lost it???
Does this happen to anyone else?
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
Go to alanon face to face mtgs, for you and
you Alone. You do not need to speak until you
Are ready or want to. I just sat and listened,
Learned and absorbed For a long time.
Thats where real change happens, it takes
Awhile. Be patient and gentle with yourself
There is so much to learn.
We get sick too thats why there is alanon.
Most of us come from dysfunction and/ or
Alcoholism then marry into it.
You do not need to discuss your mtgs at
All. I wouldnt, they are about you getting
Better and stronger no matter what he does
Or doesn't do.
I guess the acceptance is the hardest thing. I know the disease will progress whether or not I take care of me. Unless he seeks sobriety which in my heart I do not believe he will.
So, the answer is...I take care of me. As you said "no matter what he does or doesn't do".
I will go tonight. I will be open and humble and patient. I am powerless.
Thank you
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
Newleaf,
I understand completely. At first I felt very bad going to meetings and spending time on healing myself. I still struggle with the amount of time I am away and go to a lunch time meeting. It also gave my AH more time alone to drink if I was away in the evenings (his preferred drinking method is alone). But believe me when I say, no matter what we do or do not do, they are going to drink. We may as well spend some time learning how to live this life with peace and serenity. It really is our best hope at a life that works for us. I also started back at the gym in the last couple of weeks. Again, I feel really guilty, but I know it is the right thing to do for me. So I go, even if it feels uncomfortable now, knowing in time it will all come together. And again, he may drink and he may not, but it will not be because of something I have done or not done.
Go to your meetings, it really does help!
Hugs!
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
No you haven't lost it, but you are in danger of losing yourself in the game of addiction.
It's ok to love an alcoholic, but its not ok to put all your energy and attention in trying to get him sober or reminding him he is still drinking when he said he wouldn't.
It's time for YOU...to find out what would make you feel happy, content and serene and without all the guilt.
You don't think you deserve a good life?
If it were not for those face to face Alanon meetings and a sponsor , I would be dead.
Find those meetings in your area, you will learn a lot about this addiction and about most importantly..YOU.
Keep coming back here.
Hugs, Bettina
Thank you all for responding. Bethany...do you live at my house?ð
I went to the meeting, was a big emotional puddle. It was a small, intimate group who had been together for a long time. I felt so welcomed - like I was coming to a home I had forgotten I had. I made a plan to meet a couple of members at another local step meeting they attend on Monday.
My kitchen was spotless when I came home...AH on good behavior. I think he's a little worried about me making new friends.
I feel relieved, hopeful and emotionally exhausted. Growing pains?
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
For me it helped to realize that even if he got sober, attended AA etc. we were still two very different people and life would still be hard and it helped when I looked at what was it about me that felt such a responsibility to force something to work that wasn't working.
Don't get me wrong all the guilt, shame etc. I felt for not being able to make it work really threw me for a loop for a while. There is more to not controlling the things we can't control than first came into my understanding.
Such a good post. I think this sums up the dilemma or the actual problem we alanoners suffer from. Its the way we are conditioned. We believe faulty beliefs such as the alcoholic needs us and will die without us. Its kind of egocentric dont you think? Just like the alcoholic we too have an over inflated view of ourselves but a very low self esteem. Its like we have the perfect set of symptoms that we fit with each other. The problem is its sick thinking, dysfunction, unhealthy motives and little to do with what we think in terms of being loved or needed and all the other stories we tell ourselves in our denial.
You have made a fantastic start. Youve got a plan. Its a brilliant plan. Its the plan that will get you thinking healthy and clear and you will come out of the darkness. This doesnt necessarily mean you will leave him or any drastic measures right away. It just means you will begin to feel, think and behave much better and it will rub off in everyone in your life. If you can focus on that plan, thats your lifeline. If you have too, tell yourself this is the plan that will save your whole family because trust me it will, despite the outcome. In alanon we learn that when one member of the family is thinking sanely then things improve for everyone. So your choice is stay in the same old same old, youve been here for years anyway, you could choose the status quo forever or you can move towards enlightenment, truth, happiness and freedom. Alanon was all i needed. Good luck.x
newleaf66 - so glad to hear that you went to a meeting and that you felt the love from the members....that warms my heart! Keep doing what you are doing - working on you and regaining your purpose of self and strength. I felt so many emotions that were right below the surface when I first accepted how powerless I was. I had carried shame, guilt, anger, sadness, etc. - mostly negative - for so long and then acted as if I and most things were OK. I walked around cleaning up messes created by others wondering what on Earth I had done to deserve all this.
I agree with what el-cee says - my thinking was distorted and my expectations were unrealistic. Time and practice of the program tools has helped with all of this and most days now, I am at peace with where I am and that my HP has got all 'them' covered.
I had to also stop assuming I knew what others were feeling/thinking/planning. That kept me from living in the moment and experiencing the sunlight of the spirit. When my husband does something unexpected or kind without asking/provocation, I just say thank you! Mine can be like a large toddler at times - the other night, he wanted to eat Subway for dinner. Typically in years past, he would just do it. He's famous for leaving without telling anybody and going to feed himself without a thought as to what anyone else is doing....
I cook just about every night, that night was no different. I had smashed my finger earlier in the day and way trying to put on a bandage when he called - so I was distracted. He asked if I wanted Subway for dinner, and I said, No - I have already started dinner. What he heard was, "You can't have Subway; you must eat what I cooked."
So, he came home, and proceeded to start complaining about eating home cooked food every night and I can't even recall what else. I just looked at him and did not say anything. He finished his tantrum, and then went to his man cave. I called him for dinner a little later, and he gave me the silent treatment. I said nothing at all, and the next morning, out of the blue, he apologized for his words, behavior, etc. I accepted.
If I don't engage, things go so much smoother here. The folks who came before me taught me that when he's like 'this' or 'worse', it's not about me at all - it's all about him. What a gift to be able to maintain my peace/serenity while he's on his soapbox about nothing.
Keep to your plan and you'll be amazed at how things change. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Your slogan " You cannot save people, You can only love them" Yes, that's true, but you can love an alcoholic to death. Its also not about keeping our marriage in tact either, It is about our survival first. What good is a marriage if you have to make yourself smaller or be a shadow of yourself.
Let Go and let your Higher Power.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina2 on Friday 19th of February 2016 07:02:50 PM
