Hi Little Phoenix ((((((hugs)))))))

I doubt very much if this was all your fault. We've all done things in our lives that we don't like to see ourselves doing, well I know I have anyway, and I assume that my behaviour was not out of the ordinary given the circumstances.

I found that my anger at the abuse that I was receiving turned inwards, where it morphed into depression. I don't really do anger - or didn't use to anyway. But looking back I see that I became angry at myself because I felt that I was letting myself down by tolerating stuff that I found intolerable. On the other side of the coin my husband and I had had a really good relationship for twenty five years and I didn't understand how he could have changed so much in his thinking about us until I started reading on these boards and started to see the self same phrases cropping up in other peoples lives as well and I came to think that it wasn't about me, at all. The rage I felt as that started to dawn on me - I had swallowed a tornado!!! But it was healthy rage and I took to the hillsides near where I live and shouted it to the wind. I wasn't turning it inward anymore and I wasn't taking it out on my husband either, because that just led to my feeling guilty. I found my own way to let it go.

Have I got this right - your partner broke up with you but continues to live in your home and you both have great sex with each other a couple of times a week. He is also enjoying the attention of a workmate? There is a reason why that sounds a bit familiar to me and that is because my husband did a similar thing, minus the sex, and I agree, it was crazy making. I came to view it as abuse - his at taking advantage of our relationship and my own (self) abuse for putting up with it and for sending mixed messages. Eventually I started to picture myself as a leading lady in a movie, something with a script a little like my life: girl loves boy, boy lives with girl, lots of loving, and then boy gets distracted by someone / something else and starts being rude to girl whilst being very charming to this new girl on the block. What would I feel about what my leading lady did next? If she said 'oh, ok, I'm waiting, I love you, I'll be here whenever you want me', what would I think of her, what would I want her to do? If she said 'take a hike, I deserve better than this' what would my reaction to that one be? Playing those scenarios out in my mind helped me to figure out who I wanted to be. It didn't have to be either one of those scenarios, but for me I found that I was shouting 'yay, you go girl' to the second option and that helped me to honour my own beliefs and boundaries. Does any of this make sense?!

I certainly found that living and loving an alcoholic created a different me to the one that I had imagined I was, or rather I tried to be someone I wasn't at heart and started to tear me apart.

I can see how your situation is difficult to live with, so maybe it is worth looking at what choices you have, what you can do for you?

I can relate. For me, fear of change, loss, being alone, started eating me up and had me questioning when my boundaries got trampled. He trampled your boundaries. It is not unreasonable to want your husband home instead of late night carousing all the time. Don't diminish your wants and needs in a relationship. He sounds unwilling to change so it then becomes a choice of what you can live with and detach from or not. That STILL does NOT make it "your fault." I empathise with your fears of moving on or losing this committed relationship. Sounds like he is not that emotionally connected and just does what makes him happy in the moment. Alcohol may be retarding his emotional maturity. Try not to feel all the feelings for both of you. I am betting he is just as messed up as you think you are. Don't embrace victimhood too much. It will leave you feeling helpless and depressed. He did act like a crappy husband. You don't need to argue over it, but don't diminish yourself eithet.

thanks everyone for these responses :) it helped a lot to read this

everything right now is just crazy-making, but I don't understand how someone can date, marry... love someone for five years and then suddenly treat that person is the most disrespectful way. It made me the emptiest person in the world as I am not sure what to believe anymore.

it was just two months ago that he called me his wife and said I made him a better person, now he made me this relationship he hides and lies about. I don't know about this girl - he always sleeps at home and doesn't seem to go out, but he did bring her some food over the other day, why else would he have done that if he didn't like her. He told me a few of his friends asked, so he went to drop off to them some samples and mentioned her name. Another idea was that it was to hurt my feelings, as he knows I don't like this girl.  She disrespected me at a company party when we were there together because she was hitting on him right in front of me. 

I decided to completely ignore his comments about dropping off the food to her, as every second I spend on such a woman is a waste of my time. I don't hit on other guys if they are at a party with their wife.

the problem is that he is the kind of alcoholic.. well, he does well in life. He works as a chef, which makes the late nights easy and excuses for them as well. He used to prioritize me and make me feel important but the last few months we argued a lot and at some point he got fed up with me - like really fed up. He said I am disgusting when i am like that. I've been beating myself over this a lot. I know I am not getting the support and love I need, but yearn for what it used to be.. the "want"  is making me miserable. the depression every day is just too much to deal with - i have body pains, been sleeping poorly, and stopped talking to people around me as they are all sick of this situation anyways and just want me to move on.

I cant even tell if at this point I am in love, or I hate him.. and just want to be in love. Could not possibly love someone who is capable of hurting me this much.