The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I heard last night that a member from my 'other' fellowship lost her battle with the disease over the weekend. She was 50 years old, and leaves behind a child (son), a loving and supportive home group, a loving family and many who don't understand.
She'd been in the program and sober for 10+ years. She's gone back to school and gotten her teaching certificates. She'd been offered a FT teaching job, and had just accepted it Friday. On Sunday, she picked up a gun and committed suicide.
We all discuss that this disease is deadly. It's progressive and can/will kill. I believe often times we think it kills through the physical part of the disease. In my time of recovery, I've seen it kill through the psychological part more than I want to.
I am so very sad for those she left behind. I believe she is at peace and felt this was what she needed to do to heal. Today, I am not grateful for the disease - I am very angry at the disease. She was a lovely woman that I knew only through the program. I would never have guessed that she would end her life. I never knew she was in this much pain.
It's very hard for me (where I am) to understand how someone who has been active in recovery for so long can choose to die vs. relapse. I do forgive her and I hope she has peace - I am shaking to my core though....if this was her truth in that moment, it almost feels like we failed her.
Please say a few prayers for her family. Thanks for letting me share.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am shaking with you IAH....There are characteristics of our disease which scare hell out of me especially this and saying the first step just after...I want my sponsor and the fellowship close when it happens here. Hold her HP...comfort her fear and let her continue to work with us. Amene ((((hugs))))
Prayers. That is awful. Sad...Don't know what runs through a truly suicidal person's mind other than they just want the pain to end. I do sort of understand it versus relapse. After a decade in the program sober, not relapsing would be programmed into the head more than not killing oneself. The program offers less tools for dealing with seriously gut wrenching depression.
Thanks guys - it doesn't help that I was a bit raw and just starting to normalize after two other losses.....this shakes me to my core as well as tells me how truly powerless I (we) are.
Pinkchip - I can share that at times before I came to Al-Anon, my pain from feeling like a failure as a parent drove me to consider ending my life. And - yes - a part of me thought about drinking to ease the pain, but I truly hope, one day at a time, that I can leave this earth sober. So - my thinking was similar. Like you, I do not understand what runs through a truly suicidal person's mind...I am grateful that my pain in the past hasn't taken me 'there' - just thoughts.
I am sad but today I am angry at this disease. I do not understand why some find sobriety and others do not. From all appearances, she was doing it. I don't see me doing anything different than here, yet here I am and there she went. DAMN it.....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
We never know what is going thru the minds of others, or what is going on in their lives.
To think that at the last moment of her life, she might have felt hopeless or a thousand other reasons...Just
celebrate her life and her victory of staying sober for such a long time.
My best wishes to you at this time.
Iamhere - I am so very sorry for your loss. Your pain and anger are warranted in such a situation. I, too, hope she is at peace. Sending you lots of love.
Thanks all.....hugs and peaceful thoughts are appreciated!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((((Iamhere))))) - I'm so sorry, and share along with you. I hope that subjects like depression and anxiety start to be given more attention and understanding. It is gradually happening in the UK now, and I'm so very grateful for that.
More ((((((hugs)))))) and even more (((((((hugs)))))))). Take care of yourself, you are special and we care about you too.
Thank you milkwood.....It is very hard for me to comprehend the pain one must feel to believe this is the answer...
I do recall after Robin Williams took his life that one of his children suggested he thought they would be better off if he wasn't here any longer. That resonated with me at the time and gave me a slight clue into the thinking mind of extreme depression.
It's just so sad and you are right - more attention needs to be directed towards mental health. I am one who believes many who are affected by mental health issues try to self medicate with mind-altering substances to feel better/normal.
(((Hugs))) to all. It's a new day and I'm focused on gratitude and turning it over.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Only we don't usually refer to it as self medication...we know it is not medication and rather a very powerful friend which can rock us to sleep. I came to understand that alcohol is a powerful anesthetic in many ways and then heard its alluring promise of being able to kill the pain without pain. It is and was scary because for me to be anesthetized and then go to sleep without pain or care was what my disease wanted. I stopped listening to it and instead listened to the stories in the rooms and the literature and the one on one's I had with my sponsor and Higher Power. Learning empathy during this period of time also was a superior help. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Prayers for this woman, her family, your group and this woman's sponsor. None of us can really know the internal workings of anyone else. In my humble opinion, feeling the program, aa group, family, friends, anyone failed her is tremendous burden that needn't be assigned to anyone. I guess instinctually a person could argue that this is why it's important to keep aware and keep asking for help but I guess I just don't believe mental illness operates from that place of logic. Hp's will can be beyond my human comprehension at times. Acceptance is made more difficult at these times. The sadness is compounded by not having had the opportunity to say good-bye, we've loved you and will continue to love you. I'm sorry (((iamhere))) Am keeping you close in prayer through these many recent losses you've experienced. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks all....I gave the gift of a long, long nap to myself today!! That felt good and I have more peace than this morning.
I do agree with you Jerry about the disease and the affect.....I am grateful I don't go numb any more!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Hugs))) back @ ya! You brought a smile to my face!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Im sorry to hear that iam. So sad. I love the knowlefge that we cant see round corners so we dont know whats for the best. It would be nice to think that her family will be good eventually and that there is growth and learning for them within this.x
Thanks el-cee.....I am not angry any longer, just sad. This must be my year as a friend from high school lost her 26 YO daughter Monday. No definite cause determined yet, but they found her unresponsive in her own apartment Saturday night. I am just so sad for all the loss that appears to be around me. The biggest lesson for me right now is living in the moment and that we are so very powerless...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
