The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For the last 3 years my bf has been having issues with drinking.
He was having outbursts and then having explosive ( call episodes) where he would fall over the place, be angry, black out, didn't know who I was or where he was.
Last October I didn't know he was drunk, thought he was having a massive panic attack I called 911, paramedics came, he ended up hitting one of the paramedics as well as tested positive for intoxication once he was at the hospital, he then went to jail for 3 days, we are still going through that court issue and part of his bail was he had to have absolute sobriety.
This last Friday he had an episode, told me he needed to take a drive and 3 hours later the police called and told me to come pick him up, he blew a .27 and got into a car accident as well as being charged with a DUI.
So here I am me being 33 and him being 44, 3 and a half years together and I dont know what to do now.
Do I leave do I stay?
He says hes ready for recovery, and wants to get better wants our life to be amazing.
And I am so hurt from his betrayal I am just numb.
Do I trust and support him
I dont know what to do or where to go at this point.
I am glad you found al anon, for me it was the best first place to start when my husbands drinking got me to the point of desperation, confusing thinking and utter disgust. Just know you are not alone, many of us have experience the same things. I encourage you to attend a few al anon meetings, they were a great way for me to hear others share about their experience and how the program of al anon helps them.
I have learned for me that my journey, my healing, my al anon program is a personal one. I get to learn about me, what I like, who I am and my next right steps as I apply the program to my life. Some stay, some dont.... as I attended meetings, read the literature, work with a fellow member I learn what I would and wouldn't allow, how to take care of me, and in time the answers came.
Keep coming back!
Katsfree
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Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
Hi Tim and welcome to the board. I am sorry you are going through this. The effects of alcoholism can be devastating to all those involved. As the partner of an alcoholic myself I can relate to that feeling of not knowing what to do. it was recommended to me when I started Al Anon not to make any major decisions (unless it is a safety issue) for 6 months while you attend the program. In Al Anon we don't give advice only share our experience, strength and hope because each of our journey's is an individual one. I was very sure when I started Al Anon that I wanted to leave. But I took the advice not to make any major decision so I set myself a date to make a decision by about weather to leave or stay. That helped me keep my head clear so I didn't have to keep grappling with it every day. The other piece is we don't focus on the alcoholic but rather on ourselves. face to face meetings in your community are very helpful. Are there any nearby that you can join? Welcome and keep coming back.
Thank you,
I will keep that in mind, as far as leaving, not really sure I want to do that to him, we have 3 and 1/2 years together, 3 cats a dog, and I just dont know if I am ready to leave.
I know its just too hard to even talk to him, looking at him or talking to him right now just makes me angry and hurt that he let it get this bad.
He says he wants to get better and make a better future for us, but then I get upset because with all the legal issues we are dealing with because of him in the last year its going to exhaust everything he has.
Pretty hard to build a future when hes blown everything away because of his stupidity.
Sorry just angry and hurt.
Just one of the major many steps we must sit and listen to/for Tim is coming to the reality of which person you are with...your boyfriend or your alcoholic. I had to learn that clearly cause this disease is cunning powerful and baffling creating and using insanity to cause daily confusion. Some days you hear and believe and then realize "Crap I shouldn't have" and other days You decide "he was giving it to me straight" and I decided he was messing with me big time. This is a disease of insanity and you are getting lesson on that at the moment. The suggestion to get to face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings and hanging around with those who have been where you are at now and then learned the difference between sane and insane is best suggestion from my experiences. I came to understand that at that time I didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know. Keep coming back here to MIP cause the program lives here also. ((((hugs))))
Tim0398 - I too welcome you to MIP - glad you found us and glad you found your truth to share. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that is never cured but can be arrested through recovery. Alcoholics attend AA for recovery (or other means, this is just the most common) while Al-Anon offers help and support to friends and family affected by another person's drinking.
I hope you will see if you can find local Al-Anon F2F (face to face) meetings. In my recovery, there has been nothing to replace the comfort of having fellowship and support local to me. MIP is my 2nd family and it's another tool for my support which I truly enjoy and find tons of help with, but F2F is very helpful.
Know that we're all here and you are not alone. Please keep coming back - you are worth it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
After 3 1/2 years now its about You and what are you going to do?
Alcoholics or any substance abuser take up people's lives. And after awhile, its all about them and we start existing for them and
all their issues and all the problems that addiction can bring. I speak from my experience with the alcoholic I was married to for 25 years.
I came to Alanon in 1987 because I was falling apart, full of anxiety and knew nothing about living with an alcoholic. I didn't have a clue. The alcoholic died almost three years ago, after I separated from him. This addiction can kill them and what it does to us is almost just as bad. It is devastating and baffling. But when they set the drink down and abstain, they are normal again. That's what it takes and they have to really want it. I believe your boyfriend believes he wants you to have an amazing life, but that can only happen if he is sober.
So the best thing for you is Alanon and you have taken the first step, try and find a meeting in your area, read some literature and come to the board for experience Its not hopeless. If you feel like leaving or staying its up to you. But know what your dealing with and find some reprieve for yourself.
keep coming back.
Hugs, Bettina
Alcoholism is progressive. I relate to your story pretty well. Also as a gay man. At about 3 years into the relationship, things turned sour due to alcohol. In our case, I drank with him a lot and was just as bad by the end. So he was also older than I by 7 years. At first, I thought I found this stable gay marriage type relationship that was eluding me. Then we had the shared history, pets, moved across the country....had been through so much together. As it progressed, it just went to new levels of crazy and drama I never wanted in my life, yet I saw myself as deserving of it or relegated to it I guess. He wound up jobless, took my antidepressant meds to try and OD and I called the ambulance at the urging of his mother whom he'd called to say goodbye to. He also fought the police/EMTs and was almost tazed while cussing me out. I visited him on the psych ward for 2 weeks as he cried and promised to change....do better...get a job he could tolerate. After getting out he was drinking again ( we both were) inside of a week. He was blaming the area we lived in and his prior job for all his broblems. Also by this time we had started arguing and having financial problems. My family caught on to that and they knew something was up and he knew they knew also. Hence, he would rip my family regularly too. It got unbearable. I finally left and dragged my butt first to AA and then alanon not long after.
I guess my suggestion is to go to alanon now regardless of what you do in the relationship. I let myself get so utterly lost in his issues that ignored all my own and became a shell of a person. I thought the older man was going to be more wise and caring and take care of us (at least do his part). As I gre into my 30s, I was more stable in many ways and I felt cheated. It took a long time to find myself again from that point. It was like waking from a horrible fog trying to figure what were his issues and what were mine. Being with somebody that broken takes a toll on you and self care goes out the window. Take care of yourself and be prepared to stand on your own even if you choose to stay with him.
Hi Tim. I'm new to Alanon, it's been a little over a month now. I have had addicts in my life, mostly alcoholics, since I was born. I am now 46 years old and still currently in a relationship with a serious alcoholic who has no desire to quit.
I'm taking the advice of not making major decisions for at least 6 months and I have given myself a date of June. I have drawn a line in the sand (boundaries) that I have clearly communicated to him, and let him know that after a lifetime of focusing on other people to no avail, I am going to fix ME now.
Clearly, the common denominator is ME. And he is just one in a long line of alcoholics in my life (but I didn't realize this until I was in my 30s), so even if I left him, as long as I am sick, and I AM sick, I will just find another alcoholic to "dance" this insanity with.
Things have been smooth for about a month, but in the last couple of days he has been drinking heavily, and I cannot stand the way he behaves when he's been drinking. He makes promises he doesn't remember and can't keep. I just want no part of it anymore. Now, I just walk away, for my OWN sanity. Because I know there is no REASONING with that disease.
I was on valium, xanax and anti depressants just to make it through the day. Now I am off all my medications and that in itself is a miracle, since I've been on them for 20 years!
I started to feel that familiar pang of anxiety when he was drunk for the 2nd day in a row yesterday and being moody and distant. I just gave him dinner and went about my evening as if he wasn't there and kept telling myself the phrase that keeps me sane (drawing on the strength of my higher power). Be still, and know that I am G**.
I have NEVER been a religious person and would not say that I am now either but having a higher power that I can imagine as whatever I want in my head and visualize laying my burdens on this higher power relieves me of the obligation to carry them.
I was so proud that I didn't turn to the valium or the xanax or respond to the crazy making going on. I read a book with my headphones on and just kept reminding myself "be still....".
I wish I had been able to use the knowledge and insight of Al-anon when I first went there when I was 33 years old. But I went to my first meeting, looked around at all these old women (women my age now) and said to myself NOPE. I'm not going to be *that person*. And I never went back.
Now I am that older woman in those meetings and so grateful for all of it.
I wish for you the wisdom that I lacked at your age, in that you will go to a meeting and be *that person* and save yourself, not your boyfriend, but yourself. You ARE worth an amazing life!
Hello all,
wanted to update, I have joined a local Al non group.
The members are nice and I think I will also go to other group meetings in my area to build a nice net.
I also gave my bf the recommended 6 month to show improvement and to prove hes helping himself.
In the mean time I will be putting extra money into savings and possibly getting a second job to make a financial buffer in case he fails and I need to find myself an apartment for me my dog and my 3 kitties.
Please keep in touch all, I like reading the comments and it feels nice to talk to other people who know what I am going through.
Hugs to all
(((TIM))) I'm so glad that you have a plan and you are taking care of yourself. I hope the best for you and look forward to seeing how you are doing! :)
Wonderful news - you have a group, you are networking for support and you're making a plan. All excellent steps for self-care!
We're always just a post away - keep coming back and you are right - it's so nice to know we are not alone...
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello All,
Well so far so good, he has not had a drop of alcohol since the first legal sentencing, he still has to go through the DUI proceedings so there is a glimmer of hope there.
Just making an action plan of things, making me Power of Attorney and Durable Power of Attorney of his finances, incase the judge decides to put him in Jail for a year.
I remind him alot of how much this has changed our lives, and I also informed him that we could come out of this stronger, or come out of this going our separate ways. I have no problem leaving him if he screws up again, but I will continue to support him as long as he is willingly making changes and trying to better himself.
Life works in mysterious ways
Hi Everyone,
Well my boyfriend is still currently remaining sober, he has been working late nights working on a project his boss wants completed and finished before the end of the month. He has not been able to check into a local inpatient rehab center due to his wanting to complete this project which I am OK with. However, I think because I have spent the last 21/2 years cleaning up his messes and making excuses for him, I seem to have lost myself, like I get irritated at him because I think things are not moving or progressing as fast as I would like them to. I also get upset with him when he comes home and says are you alright you seem a little different ( this irritates me because he would black out when he was drunk and we would verbal battle till he passed out) so I get angry because I think to myself gee how would you know you were drunk the majority of the time. I have been reading some truly great stories about couples moving past the addiction and becoming even stronger ( I really want that) but its hard because either I am really resentful and codependent of cleaning up his mess or taking care of him while he was in a black out episode.
So I like my Alnon group in Milwaukee Wisconsin but I am having a hard time with it now. I know its a bit religious and thats fine but I keep that very private to myself and the one above because I dont like talking about it outside of church. I also have a hard time with it because yes there are allot of stories shared but there really isn't any discussion on the behavior or steps to take, maybe I am used to therapy but it seems counter productive for myself as I would like to discuss the resolve of my issues rather than me telling my story for less than 5 minutes and then moving on to the next person.
Just confused and ranting and not even sure why I am really upset
Hey Tim - it happens.....we want them well, we want them well - we want them well. And then - if they get well, we just aren't sure that's the 'fix' necessary. This is truly the point that Al-Anon is so very, very helpful...if your local group isn't gelling with your needs, try another one/two. You can also try the meetings here.
I was so wrapped up in all that was going on, I did not know what to do with 'me' when things began to calm down. I went to tons of meetings, purchased/read literature, hung out here, went for coffee with program folks and then added things I wanted to do but had not (ever or for a long while) and things I needed to do. I had to keep myself busy and focused on my part of the universe to keep from drifting to the past and/or the future.
Anger and resentments are normal but will hold you back. For me, I had to truly let go of all that was and try to start with a clean slate. It's not easy - and that's when the program truly helped me find relief. I had to keep reminding myself over and over that this is a disease and if they were not sick, they would not be so ______________ (insert word here).
Early recovery is hard for everyone. Give yourself breaks and practice calmness as best you can. Take it easy and stay in the present as much as possible. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Tim I do hear you and would like to suggest that you find a sponsor and begin to work the steps together
It is by implementing the principles I developed by working the Steps I have found the courage, serenity and added wisdom to live life with acceptance of life on life's terms.
i must also add that by working the Steps I was able to let go of the anger and resentment from the past so
keep coming back. It does work .
The program started to work for me and then I started to work it for me also as the old timers were suggesting in my face to face groups. I went to meetings daily and more for 3 months before I got the hang of what this was all about. I had a home group and also other groups I went to daily and got my life saved. We are not a religion and if we work the steps religiously (one after another daily) the miracle arrives. Remember this addiction is to the chemical and our is to the addicted user. I need my recovery just as everyone else here needs theirs. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
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