So I had a rough weekend with AH.  It was pretty rough.  We got into a disagreement I told him how I felt about something and he hasn't been able to accept what I said.  So he's been quite the bear.  He's withdrawn all physical affection, his drinking increased dramatically in the last couple of days and he tries to pull me into an argument if he's not ignoring me.  In a way I was forced to detach with his behavior the way it is.  Yesterday was rough for me.  I was moody, irritated, trying to get him to accept what I had told him.  I was exhausted from not sleeping.  I got angry with everyone including my daughter.  I felt out of control and generally unmanageable.  But I took half an hour to rest in my room by myself.  I turned things around and we had a nice dinner with our daughter and my mom.  UGH.  I felt so discouraged, so ashamed of how I had acted.  But instead of letting the shame and guilt take over  I decided to look at things a little more objectively.  I've been trying the slogan "listen and learn".  What can I learn from yesterday or this weekend to help me further along instead of getting caught up in the guilt of losing all my tools for one day.  Here is what I am figuring out.  I was not practicing detachment with my AH and I seem to struggle with that.  I seem to be either all in or all out.  Overattached or completely detached (not with love but more of a you're on your own mentality).  I think I need to look at this.  I think my old ways come back so easily I don't even notice them at all.  But this weekend I felt a bit like an A groupie LOL.  I found myself hanging around even when I wasn't wanted.  why?  I have no idea.  

This morning I woke up with a different attitude.  A change in perspective.  I had slept. I felt better and I was able to focus on me.  My day was good.  It wasn't good because things between him and I were any better.  They were probably worse but they were peaceful and that is all I can ask for.  With being emotionally shut out I had some peace and silence to contemplate me and my reaction.  What was going on with me.  before Al anon I would have spent all my time trying to figure out the right way to make him happy so that I would be back in his good books again.  This time I didn't do that.  I took the time to focus on my daughter, on myself, on my feelings and what was going on inside me.  When I felt lonely because he is barely talking to me I went to my room and read a book.  I am starting to be able to tolerate being by myself more.  That is something I haven't been good at for a very long time.

I feel like this program comes in waves for me.  I will be going on just fine then get knocked down feel like I had a set back only to realize I am learning from the setback or problem.

Thanks for listening.