The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My soon-to-be-X is (was) a pastor. He had a "girlfriend" stay at our house for two and a half weeks while I was gone taking care of my 93 year old mother. He told the church that I was still there, and when the truth came out, he was put on leave. He, naturally, totally blames me, not only for "being fired", but even for his "being open to an affair".
He's been a dry drunk for some 20 years, and I have been unable to unconditionally embrace his "calling"; his pastoring, because I so see the parts of him he wants to stay hidden, even from himself, the affairs, the porn, the lack of empathy...And I think this is what he is most angry and unforgiving about, that I haven't more actively supported his ministry. How do I make amends for that? How do I even get to the point of wanting to make amends for that?
What I am struggling with (and, yes, fighting with my HP over) is the gut reaction I get when I'm confronted by the public persona he is trying to keep up. This morning, it was a "Living the Gospel" quote he put up on Facebook. (My daughter showed me). I know that it is none of my business whether he is able to heal his image or hide his true self, and that what he is going through is between him and his HP. But I am churning inside. And I go through this every Sunday.
How can I "let go and let God'? How can I focus on my recovery? How can I detach? How can I hold the anger that I feel and the pity toward him at the same time - or rather, how can I release these toxic feelings?
(Wow, I didn't realize until I started writing, how wounded I feel.)
Hello What would you tell a friend whose companion accused her of causing the companion's misbehavior? could you suggest techniques allow her to eloquently apologize to the companion or to her higher power?
I remember the distracting behavior of my ex. When he was absolutely revealed, he was not experienced in owning his behavior. Some other person made him do it, and it was usually the person standing closest to him.
I don't doubt that many people who are addicted to substances are desperately miserable. They mis-direct. Don't look at MY behavior. There's something else I want you to pay attention to.
I noticed the more my ex's behavior and character were revealed, the harder he tried to present a super image. Not just normal guy, but who could believe how lucky they were to be around such an accomplished, benevolent etc person? Not!
So what you say brings back memories. It was enough to make me doubt my own reality. Slowly I came to trust my own experience. I looked at what he did and did not listen to what he said. That was a big step to allowing me to make sense of my situation.
Attending face to face meetings was key. It took me a long time. I learned slowly. I had to be patient with both of us. I had no reasonable alternative. Imagine a life ring thrown to someone is a troubled sea. Moi !
Keep coming back. You'll find wisdom here. There is hope.
Sorry for what you are going through Rose. I also gain clarity when I pound out my thoughts to the wonderful MIP community on here.
When I came to Al-Anon, I wanted all the answers now, now, NOW. To my dismay at my face to face meetings I heard that I have to find my own answers and serenity by first listening to the experience, strength and hope that the members share with one another.
It seemed pretty foreign and I was so mad that I had to be there and I did not quite see the point of it all. After awhile, it all comes into focus. There are meetings online here, and hopefully some face to face meetings in your area. I check this board alot and there is always something relevant here.
It seems like you have a good head start--what he does is between him and his HP, all the faking in the world to the public can't change that.
Rose - so very sorry that your mother is ailing and while away your other half was self-destructive. I think that was my hardest lesson to hear, then believe then feel - what others do is not a reflection on me. He was unfaithful to you, his following and his church. You were not. Stand tall in your truth that while you may be married to him, you are not responsible in any way, shape or form for his choices, actions and/or behaviors.
It's very, very hard to disconnect ourselves from those we love. It took me every meeting, every sponsor discussion and every post here on MIP to convince me differently from how I was and used to think. The steps are written in the order presented for a reason - we don't have to make amends until the time is right and you will know when that is so - as you progress through the steps of this program.
We who live with the disease of alcoholism live a life so different and unimaginable - most would break under the stress of it. Yet, we find our way to recovery, find our way to our truth and find our way to peace and serenity. I too am one who processes by writing - it helps me to see what I am thinking/feeling in black & white. So keep writing, keep talking, keep processing. My best healing and learning has come through sharing what's up and getting feedback from those who have ESH to give.
Your husband's actions have put you in an uncomfortable situation. However, you don't need to do anything but work on you and live your truth. Letting go of anger and resentments and working on amends comes after the first 3 steps, so stick there for a bit. If possible, find a sponsor - you'll be lead through the steps and it will all make perfect sense...
Keep coming back here - we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all so much...I will continue to go to f2f meetings - please pray I find a sponsor - and I will try not to jump steps! You have lightened my gloom today.
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What a powerful share and so revealing for me. I was told that if I came back often enough I would hear more and more of my story told by others and here is one of the part that I hadn't heard out loud from another. Of course alcoholism can trump religious and spiritual character ...it did so in my own first marriage and watching it come about was more than just mind boggling. And so the program taught me how to let go and let God in ways I had yet not learned and then I've been blessed to watch many others in program teach me other angles too.
Sorry you have gone thru this Rose...it sucks !! Some day he will attempt to convince himself and until that day comes he will live with the painful truth. You are not alone sister...hang on. (((((hugs)))))
