The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Happy Valentine's day. It's a good day to for 'love' and what it is. It seems to mean different things to different people.
Living with alcoholism distorted my perception of love. I believed love was needing a person and being needed. I think my idea of love was co dependency. Enabling was another feature of my kind of love. I thought loving someone meant I put up with anything and everything. I was a human sacrifice, living in another person's life, like a slave.
Today, thanks to this program and the people working it. I've got a much healthier idea of love, for myself and others. Most importantly myself. Thanks for reading.x
Happy Valentine's Day el-cee. You're right, love is what it is, and everyone has their own view point and perspective. Love for me is definitely not dependency based on enabling, to me it is a partnership and is not mushy or suffocating. It is a warm feeling in my heart, it is a mutual concern and respect for another. My view of love has definitely changed since I began Al-Anon two years ago, from sort of demanding respect to earning respect.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Great topic El-Cee and happy Valentine's Day to everyone!
For me, love is not a feeling. While I truly enjoy the happy, giddy, delirious feelings we have when we embark on a new relationship, I view that more as 'lust'....which is a feeling.
For me, love is a decision. It's a decision to respect myself and another, in good time and bad, sickness and health, etc. For me, it's a choice - fight for the unit vs. flight from it. It's understanding imperfect humans in an imperfect world. It's about not taking personal any acts or thoughts of another - no matter the context. It's about being of service each and every day without expectation or motive. It's an act vs. a feeling or emotion.
My husband and I talked about this in depth before marriage. We both had been married before and both were very hurt by the outcome (divorce). We made a commitment that no matter what, we would not divorce and we would fight for the relationship. Needless to say, we were both sober then. I stayed sober - he did not. I consider myself honorable, and even though things have changed drastically in our lives and marriage since having that discussion, I've not seen any reason to release myself from my commitment.
My parent will celebrate 60 years of marriage in June. This doesn't happen without periods of discontent. I admire their dedication and commitment to each other and our family unit. My hope is I have shown my children that life is all about choices. The easiest choice isn't always the right choice and the same is true for hard choices. So, for me - it's a decision and a commitment that I make that I serve each day to the best of my ability.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Im in a new relationship which just kind of popped up. I admit im in that giddy happy lust filled stage. It is so wonderful after being used and abused so long by XAH. However, im also aware of the pitfalls and from the beginning stated my boundaries and concerns to my new guy. We discuss this quite often and he doesnt mind this. So far he has been considerate,kind and thoughtful.
we respect our autonomy. He has never been married and im ending my 3rd so there are some bugs we are both working out day by day.
Love is self respect.
Thanks for your reply. Always food for thought here. Yarncrazy, that's so great, you sound happy, good on you. I'm in a new relationship too and its lovely. I ts also challenging for me to keep myself I. The healthy thinking mode. The distorted, disturbed thoughts are never too far away and can wreck things if I let them. Whooo hop for us.x
An Al-Anon sister gave this one to me years ago after a Thursday night meeting and after talking about loving her alcoholic husband. Her definition did not even include "Alcoholic" in it. Her definition referred back totally on her and no one else.
Love is the Complete and Total
Acceptance
Of every other human being
For exactly who they are.
In it's simplicity it was sweet to listen to and then easier to work (behave with) than anything I had ever done before especially with my alcoholic and addict wife. After I heard it and accepted it I fell in love with my wife again and more deeply and had no reason to want her anything other than who she was...a child of God.
There aren't any accidents, each has their path and when the paths meet its undeniable. Even when separated, if it's meant to be it just is-you find you way back. My husband and I have seen the good , the bad and the ugly in each other and we still choose us.
Grateful for that total acceptance even when it's soooo difficult.
Hi Jerry,
Love it, so simple and yet such a journey of learning and realization to get to that point.
We get to practice on everyone don't we, not just the one important person in our lives.
Aloha Jerry good to see your still workin it..
hugs, Bettina
