The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A is in rehab and likely to be out in a month's time. The A did not have a job and I was paying (way too much) for the work my A used to do at home (cooking, cleaning, groceries etc). I realize I was an enabler. I'm taking it one day at a time, but I can't help thoughts about how I will be able to refuse money (of course, I will have to do it, reduce a lot etc). I go out to work and I'm away from home almost 14 hours. You all know what that means .. An A with money and time! I know some things will change. My A will be writing many things down that he will not do. But, I noticed he still has ideas of drinking "a bit" after coming out. "A bit", "only some wine" etc. I told him never to talk about alcohol at rehab and even with me.
Suggestions on how to refuse and face tantrums? Of course, I'll be using Al Anon tools (already working well for me), but my A is suicidal or pseudo-suicidal, so its tricky for me.
Of course tantrums are one way they try to control us. They try them out to see if they work - so remember that if you give in one time where you don't want to, he will say to himself, "It works! It totally works! Whenever she resists, I'll just throw a tantrum, and if she doesn't cave, an even bigger one..."
If he threatens suicide, what I have heard is that it is always best to take him seriously and call the emergency services. If he is serious, then he needs real professional help - we are not qualified to cope with someone who is suicidal. If he is not suicidal and is only faking it, this will put him on alert that you take it seriously and that you will call for professional help if he is threatening it. It is not your job to try to assess his level of seriousness or to try to deal with someone that people train for years to deal with.
Forgive me for not following your story, but I hope you have a meeting and support? An A who is planning to come out of rehab and drink is not an A in recovery. And we need our own recovery from the chaos whether or not they continue to drink.
It also occurs to me that you have an active alcoholic who states outright that he wants to continue to drink, who apparently doesn't have a job, and who wants to use your money to do things you are uncomfortable with. I wonder if it's worth exploring, as your recovery progresses, what it is that he is offering you, and why it's worth hanging on to him. I think those are questions we all can use clarity on.
Manas - in Al-Anon, we work really hard to keep the focus on ourselves and stay in the present. As you work your program, and the steps, you will learn how to establish healthy boundaries and detach with love. No matter what a qualifier says, does or does not, you can remain at peace and move forward with great boundaries. My qualifiers are at different stages of living/recovery than I am. Even when they get upset, belligerent or chaotic, I can choose to detach and not participate.
One of my boundaries is that I will no longer give you any spare money. If you want money, you need to work. I also charged mine (sons) rent once they turned 18. I did the grocery shopping and there was always the basics here. My sponsor taught me how to set boundaries, how to state them and how to stick with them.
Another of my boundaries had to do with self-harm. It took the threat of suicide off the table, as it was clearly stated that if it was threatened, I would stop any discussion in place and immediate contact 911 as this was beyond my area of expertise.
You have one boundary already - that you don't want him to discuss drinking with you at all or at treatment. That's a fair boundary and makes perfect sense to me. Mine was stated (I am a double winner, so want no alcohol in my home) clearly that, "this is a sober house and no mind-altering substances are allowed." <<< my boys would slide in all kinds of 'other substances' when I just stated alcohol.
I was taught by my sponsor when one of my qualifiers is having a fit to wait for a pause and simply state, "You appear to be very sad/angry today. I am sorry you are having such a bad time of it." << This gives ownership of their behavior to them and tells them that I care enough to hope for better for them.
Al-Anon is about focusing on ourselves. If I am worried/concerned with what they are doing, how they are acting/reacting and what they are saying/planning/etc., I am not program centered. For me, this is when I am most likely to slip and react.
If you don't yet have a sponsor, you can ask for help with boundaries from any counselor at the center. In my experience, not only would they help me set them, they would mediate the sharing so that there were very clear expectations between all of us upon discharge.
Breathe deep and stay focused on today. Make a plan of action that serves you/your peace best. Then one step at a time, work your plan. You can do this - you're asking all the right questions. (((Hugs)))
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 14th of February 2016 09:25:08 AM
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
If he believes he can drink "a bit," he might. One drink leads to another as you know. If he's telling you this, he's still in denial about having a problem with alcohol.
Rehab should be providing some sort of structure for living sober beyond abstinence from drinking. To call the counselors there as a family member in need of suggestions related to your question might be a good idea. I'm mentioning this from personal experience. The decisions I made concerning my exah in those early days were based on the suggestions of the AA counselors at his rehab. When my ex gave me a hard time about things, I reminded him that I was doing what people with years of experience in AA had suggested I do, the same people who were there to help him.
Ultimately, the Alanon program is about taking care of ourselves and even letting go of guilt at times for doing so. Your Alanon sponsor might be of help with exploring some boundaries for your individual situation as well as connecting with your higher power for guidance. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks Mattie, Iamhere, tiretonite for the ESH and shares/suggestions. Yes, I'll work on implementing Al Anon wisdom. I always felt that my situation was "unique", but I know its not. There must be ways out of this situation. Yes, I must keep the focus on myself, take it one day at a time, pray to HP and hope He will give me strength to make things work.
I apologize for not reading the whole post and responses, .. there is always solid ESH here.
In my experience, no is a complete sentence and there is no other explanation necessary. Focusing on you and your choices is the way to go .. he's going to drink or not .. the question is what are you going to do.
Keep coming back!
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
