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Hi all. Just getting this off my chest. My AH (sober many years but no program so the "isms" abound) retired from a very high stress job 2 years ago and we moved South for hopefully a financial and stress- reducing coast into our retirement years.
As we have a tendency to do as alcoholics and children of them he picked the next "sick" workplace and tortures me nightly with endless complaints, details, stories etc. of said workplace. I rejoined Al-Anon (after many years away) . I began to cope with that better, like not trying to "fix" it by offering endless solutions to the same problems, over and over.
He just texted and says he wants to quit the job as he has said countless times over 2 years and never does. I am all about it and welcome him to do so if he will just stop this crazy roller coaster ride wondering whether to stay or to go and complaining all the while.
I know it will be the same in the next job, because it is the same as his last. It is not the job, it is him but he never sees it. Now we are engaged in a sort of a text battle conversation where I say it's fine if you want to quit and he is saying he "wants " to quit but can't do that to the guys that work with/for him.
We don't need to lose his salary and its not as easy to find work at 55. How many days can I listen to/talk about the same thing over and over. It is maddening. Truly maddening. I pray for him and for me that I can just continue to be gentle as I know I haven't always been. I tell him I would like to talk about another topic sometimes and if I steer the conversation to something else, he always finds away to work it back in.
I hope that now that I pounded this out on the keyboard I can get some work done.
I find that I have to be as stubborn as my AW is when she is active. If she continually steers conversations towards something, I end up dropping it immediately. Sometimes I would say "I'm dropping this because I said I wouldn't discuss it anymore, so I'm not discussing it". Most times, though, i would just stop the conversation and detach.
Thorn,
I feel your pain on this one. My AH does the same thing and the conversations are the same cycle repeated month after month, year after year. Lately I have been trying to just listen and offer nothing more than a head nod in response. He rather quickly will realize that this conversation is going no where and stop. After years of trying to help him talk it out and resolve the issue, I realized that would never happen! So why have the stress of talking about it in the first place?
Mine is active and one of his 'isms' is he tends to never want to talk about anything important to life but .... car repairs, home repair details, golf game....sure - over and over and over again....*sigh* - I usually just sit quiet, rub my forehead and say the serenity prayer to myself as he drones on and on and on and on.....If I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, he typically leaves the room and that's the end (thank you God!)...
Mine is very slow to process and make decisions. It gets worse with age. I am praying for patience on a regular basis since he's retired as well. And soon (real soon I hope), it will warm up and he'll be golfing 5 days a week (thank you God!) and I'll get a break each day!
So sorry Thorn - I hear you loud and clear. I stopped offering suggestions/solutions a long while back as that just caused him to get angry at me! So, if I sit quietly it ends faster!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Don't respond unless it is to say "I am not going to respond". My hubby did it too and my answer was "do what will make you happy". I hoped that the "happy" word would get through his thick skull. I always left the room too, but not gracefully. I would just leave and find something else to do. Once I said, "take it to your sponsor" and that took care of that subject forever. I know I will be okay no matter what he does, so I just want him to be happy with whatever he does.
miranda - I've called myself a 'golf widow' for a long, long while! My parents and brothers also all golf. So, it's here - it's there - it's everywhere! That's how I feel...
This is my AH first winter retired and he's a bit stir crazy (which means he's bothering me when I am trying to work). I have to admit that he's been much better than I expected so that's a positive. Time will tell how these winters go but ... I am a little grateful for global warming!!!
maryjane - I've also suggested my AH take it to his sponsor. He's not been active in the program for 22 years so that silenced him - he truly did not know how to respond and I honestly forgot who I was talking to for a minute. I believe that alcoholics as a general observation are bored easily and plan largely while taking little action. They are big to focus on what's broken vs. what's working - which can get better with recovery....it takes a long while (speaking from experience of my own).
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I did not engage when we came home from work although he threw out some bait. Then he became broody and silent. (At least it was quiet =gratitude). I made a nice dinner for us and he remarked he had chicken for lunch. I smiled and said "Well, you're going to have it for dinner too" . I busied myself with chores until he went upstairs, so although I did not say aloud " I don't want to discuss it" thankfully he seemed to know it.
We have a 2 hour car ride to see our daughter tomorrow-yikes. I will surely be meditating during some of that time (which he has grown to appreciate -even lowers the radio for me). He knows I'm calmer after I do and sometimes even asks me if I meditated that day if I appear on edge lol.
Hey Thorn - great job and way to go! Ear-buds are the best invention EVER for long care rides with my qualifiers. I even put them in when I am driving sometimes.....there are speakers on Pod-Cast (Al-Anon speakers) if that helps....I've done that before as well!! I have also pretended to sleep as a passenger. Anybody who really knows me realizes this is not happening - I can't sleep while traveling - ever.....but I can fake it well!
Hope tomorrow is awesome and that you enjoy your daughter and your visit!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great share Thorn - so glad it all went super dee duper! I had a great day - lazy around my home until I went to sit with my 2 g-kids while my son did homework....
My AH worked all day at the rental so that's a great gift for me - less I have to do....best gift ever!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That sounds great IAH, glad you were able to find your peace! A little bit of little kid love is great too. We are lucky to have family with little ones here and I often love to get a hold of them and look at world as they do--all fun!
My newest g-baby - Augustus is his name - baby Gus (by his 2yo brother) loves to be held......he's about 4 months old but weighs about 28 lbs. I woke this morning and my arms were sore - I forgot I was holding him for hours yesterday. His brother Oliver was reading to me in his bedroom (that means flipping pages and saying sounds that I can't identify)....
They are adorable and definitely bring me to the present and how simple they love and trust! Love those little ones!! Mine and all others!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
