I woke up this morning, and was just sad.  Really, really sad.  I am so grateful for recovery as I would be in far worse shape if I did not live/seek a spiritual solution for all that annoys, affects or hurts me...

Many of you know that I lost my Aunt 9 days ago.  She was an awesome person and I will miss her dearly.  She was 84 and had lived a great life - she married a military guy so they traveled all over the world.  They have 3 children, two girls and one boy and they were all born in different locations/countries.  To sit and hear stories of their lives was just amazing.  

The son, my cousin, walked away from the family 20-25 years ago.  My Aunt and I spoke of this often and she was a rock for me as she understood my pain, anger, confusion, etc. with my own boys.  She had made peace with him, his choices and his departure long ago but it bothered her and she was still sad.  She went responsive before he arrived, and I could tell he felt like an outsider at his own mother's bed-side during her hospital stay and then hospice stay.  

Only through recovery have I learned to not judge others.  I tried to the best of my ability to support all 3 of my cousins, and can say that I felt at peace with how everything went.  The girls were civil to him but would not take a photo with him.  I have no opinions or judgement about this as each has their own journey and I can understand all sides.  

I know it's been said that he's an alcoholic.  I also know that it's not fair for anyone to label another especially with that label unless/until they've claimed the title for themselves.  Nobody spoke of it and I just tried to be supportive of all.  After he said his good-byes to all, he sent me a text and suggested he was embarrassed for his choices over the years.  I was able to put on my program hat and tell him that the past and he should do what he felt made sense to not be a hostage to his past choices.  I told him I loved him and to keep in touch.

That same day, my cousin's boy, whom I refer to as my nephew - (we do things different - large family and complicated so we have the top generation as Greats, the second generation as Grands, my generation are Aunts/Uncles, etc...) was killed in a horrible car accident.  He was 18, and with 2 friends doing what teenagers do, and they crashed.  2 were killed and the driver is in a coma with a vent.  He may/may not make it.

So, it's been a wild/rough/sad couple of weeks for me.  The visitation for my nephew was last night.  There were probably 1,500 people who showed up for it - so many young people with so much emotion, grief, sadness and healing to do.  Rough, rough evening for everyone who knew and loved this young man.

So - I woke up with tears.  I had to let them out and just feel for a while as I'd not really taken the time to do that yet.  I took a me day and chose to do a few things necessary (grocery store, gas, bank) but have been taking it easy.   I feel a bit better and am so grateful for the program and the push for 'self-care'.  Before the program, I would have been crazy as crazy is and I would still be going, doing, etc. for everyone else.

My sons are having a very hard time with the loss as it's 'one of their cousins'....they all talk, text, etc. regularly and they are suffering too.  It's been very hard to see my adult boys deal with a loss that is family and try to be men about it.....my active son hasn't been to work yet this week but has reached out each day.  

So - my emotional hang-over is real, raw and painful.....I am feeling better with the help of fellowship, rest and self-care.  I don't do loss well, and I don't do grief well.  I want to rush it and be my happy joyous self, but know better so wanted to write and see if that helps!!!

Thanks for letting me share!