The difference between Al-Anoners and regular people is not that regular people never meet or fall in love with alcoholics.  The difference is that Al-Anoners stay despite red flags.  We get sucked into "giving," and feel that sense of yearning and familiarity - "This time it will work!  I can make it work!"

One problem I had was that I mistook intensity for compatability.   A relationship with an A is almost always going to be intense.  They're not wholly available to us, so that gives it an urgency and a yearning.  When they're drinking, their main interest is the bottle.  In early recovery, their main interest has to be recovery.  That is why A's in recovery are cautioned not to get involved with someone romantically for a year.  The fact that your guy has broken that caution already makes me worried.  The drama that inevitably comes with new relationships can be unsteadying to an alcoholic in early recovery, no matter how giving the partner is.  (It shouldn't be up to the partner to be that giving anyway.)  And they do not have enough to give a partner.  They are still learning how to operate in the real world.  They will be very emotional, uncertain, moody, blunt, and unavailable.  Not good relationship material.  And how they will turn out, who knows?  There is also the sad but real danger that very many people - maybe a majority - relapse in early recovery, and do not stay in recovery.

But this is very early days.  The first six months or so of a relationship are typically the heady exciting time, when you seem perfect for each other.  However, many relationships do end naturally in those first six months, because the people find they're just not right for each other, and better off as friends.  In the second six months, it's really time to see whether the compatability holds.

My experience with us Al-Anoners is that, as the saying is, our 'pickers' are broken.  In that initial period, when the red flags appear, we don't say, "Wait a minute, this is a path into pain.  I like some aspects of this person a lot, but I see that he's not in a space to be a good partner, and there are some big deal-breakers.  I'm going to move on and be ready when the actually right person comes along."  Instead we say, "Feel familiar!  Feels intense!  It must be love - sign me up!"  Heaven knows that's what I did.  I was so overjoyed when a likely-looking guy wanted to get involved with me that I wouldn't let go for love nor money.  I was in it with both feet.  I would have saved myself so much grief if I had looked at the track record of the guy and at where he was in his life right now.  And if I had not said, "How can I be what he wants?" but "Is there enough in here for me?"

I like what Maryjane said.  I think maybe this is not God saying "Be with the man who has attracted your attention, despite the red flags."  He may be saying, "I am opening a door for you to learn and grow so much, and here are a fellowship of people to support you on your path."  There's a reason this is called Miracles in Progress!  I hope you'll keep coming back.

Hi Mattie,

Thank you also for your input.  I am not sure if this is normal, but right now our relationship is not intense.  We are very relaxed and calm around each other.   We have soo far managed to keep it drama free.  I really like what you said  "Is there enough in here for me?"  You can bet I will be going slowly and trying to determine this.  I pray constantly for guidance and the courage to follow his will.  I will definitely keep coming back and I will also be looking for a local Alanon meeting.

Tammy