The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to the programme and have gotten as far as Step 3. I have been with my A for over 14 years in this time he's had one relapse but the problems continue. I don't live in my home country and cannot attend meeting in English. Finding this site has been a godsend.
My A organised some long overdue counselling for us as indivduals and as a couple but it's not something we can reguarly avail of.
One recurring problem is my A falling into a depression and my feeling responsible for it. He works away from home a lot and our schedule this month means that, for the next 3 weeks, we will hardly see each other, leading to exceptionally high levels of anxiety for me. Theoretically I know I'm not the cause of his depression but he can become exceptionally difficult, picking at things that are "my fault", being uncontactable or unwilling to engage and "teasing" about me abandoning me. Previously I'd have tried to counteract this by looking for attention from him, being needy and clinging....anything for reassurance that his low mood isn't my fault but I can't do it anymore.
During this period I will be travelling home to visit our son who attends a boarding school in our home country and see my parents and I feel guilty about this as my A will be home alone! Despite the fact that the following week my A and our son will be going on holiday and I will be returning to where we live (with our other son who still live at home) to work! It's mad but, several years ago, he blamed me for a bad bout of depression as I had travelled to our home country for 4 weeks to visit family and friends and I have yet to shake this anxiety...and I have nobody to share this with who will understand.
I don't want to spend my week with my children and parents anxiously worrying about somebody who has no idea how much i let his behaviour dictate my moods and enjoyment of events
Im just looking for some understanding of people who may have the same experience as me.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I think probably all of us on these boards have been in the situation of trying to manage our A's emotions so we wouldn't bear the fall-out. Because when the A's emotions get out of control, it often seems harder on us than on them. They sort of "pass on" the bad stuff.
I guess really we have three choices: 1. Do as we're doing, where we sacrifice our own serenity and boundaries to try to keep the A stable (I did this walking on eggshells for a long, long time), 2. Lay out the problem, urge the A to get help, and if he doesn't get help and make improvements, take steps to separate, 3. Learn to detach so that the A's moods don't affect us any more than a rainstorm or a truck driving by on the highway.
We already know the benefits and drawbacks of no. 1, so maybe the other options are something to consider. No. 3 is quite a challenge but many of us have had great success with it. There's a lot of information on these boards about detachment and how it works. Of course that wouldn't be something to consider if he has a tendency towards violence when he's upset. We don't give advice in Al-Anon (hope I haven't broken that rule here), except when someone's physical safety is in danger, as it would be if your A tended to violence. So in that case an exit strategy would be important. If that's not a risk, then detachment and program (to heal ourselves) would be hopeful ways forward. I'm glad you're able to get to the meetings here. Maybe when you're in your home country you could find a meeting there, just to attend for a brief period. Take good care of yourself.
My A is not prone to violence, it's the withdrawal of emotion/contact and blame that upsets me the most...says more about my codependency than him!
I've already got some meetings lined up when I'm home.
My aim to reach the state of serenity as detail in no. 3. What's the worst that can happen right?! I just want to get off the roller coaster...especially as my A is completely unaware of it.
Hi there and welcome to the board. MY AH can be very moody and throw a lot of blame around too. It used to sideline me every time he was in a bad mood. I heard this alanon speaker once say "It was like I woke up every morning and turned to my AH and asked How am I going to feel today?" I could really relate to that. I did the same thing. My AH got to dictate everything about my mood. The worse his mood got the more I tried to make it better and it was absolutely no use. I still struggle. I work on staying on my side of the street and detaching. Some days I need physical distance between him and myself when he is in a bad mood. With the blaming thing I ran into an issue this weekend where my AH where he was trying to make me feel guilty about something and blame me for a problem. I got upset first. Then I realized we just needed to sort out something to do with caring for the dog. So I came down and proposed a change in our responsibilities. It resolved the problem. Meanwhile I didn't address the blame he was trying to give me at all. I just ignored it. Because it was ridiculous. I find help with this in the first step. realizing I am powerless over his moods and him in general is such a relief sometimes. He's ultimately responsible for his moods. Hang in there.
This post makes me smile in remembering when I learned to change that dependence on my alcoholic/addict for how I would feel at anyone time or another. I was holding her responsible for my moods without asking her if she wanted that responsibility. It was a default behavior and when I learned she didn't want the job and wasn't even good at it I took on the responsibility for myself and my feelings. That way when I was feeling sane and happy it was because I chose to be that way and not her. She had more time to take care of herself or not or drink and use or not. I remember realizing that when I was born I wasn't handed a sheet of paper with the names of dependent sick people I was supposed to take care of and that stunned me so I stopped doing it and gave the responsibility back to them. That way when they do a good job on themselves I can smile and cheer if I want to or not. It is much more real and empowering that way not to mention honest and honoring, empathetic and compassionate. Letting go and letting God direct is a great choice which works out much better than any other decision I can come up with too. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you.
My A left this morning for a week-long trip. I got up and said goodbye. He blamed me for not being able to sleep, I let it go.
He admitted how depressed he is.
After he left I got ready for work. I handed everything over to my HP to keep my A safe and to ease my burden of worrying.
When I looked at my phone there was a message. Acknowledging my A's love for me and how much I do for our family and how his depression hasn't been caused by me.
I think today would have been ok even if I didn't receive the message.
Living with an alcoholic is difficult. Living with a depressive is difficult as well. My husband now acknowledges his depression and I know that I can't cure it for him. He has counselling (via internet) once a week and is now taking medication. The medication seems to have helped him I think. There is a wonderful book ( and a website) called Living With A Black Dog that illustrates some of the difficulties of living alongside someone else's depression. The similarities with Alanon principles are striking. Looking after myself, maintaining my own good spirits regardless of my husband's moods are vital for me.
Like you we live away from our home country and that can make me feel isolated as well. I have had many fretful times on my travels, worrying about my husband and what he may or may not be feeling/doing. Now when I travel I try to stay in my moment and fully enjoy the people I am with. I figure that it isn't right to let two lives become unmanageable because of black dogs and alcohol and the best that I can do for us, as well as for myself, is to live in my own happiness. It isn't always easy staying in Mattie's option (3) but it is what we deserve to do with this life that we've been gifted and it is an empowering lesson learning to carry it off!!
I too wish you an ease from worrying and a wonderful time enjoying the company of friends and family.
Curley Sue he was making an amends to you it sounds like. He's feeling guilt and getting feed back from you body language and oral language and most likely going thru what we go thru in the disease also. They are human and have concerns and feelings and the only differences are gender, age and the use of the chemical. All I needed to do when my own alcoholic/addict wife made her amends was to give her a hug and let her go. I knew and knew that I knew by then and the greatest program tool I got was compassion, empathy and acceptance. It sounds like you're there...keep on keeping on. ((((hugs))))
My experience with Depression is not a lot different than with alcoholism - in how I act/react to it. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Both of my boys suffer from it as does their father. It's difficult to watch and a huge part of me wants them to be 'happy' and not hurt. However, I can't fix it, but I can show support and empathy and recognize that it's also a disease.
The biggest issue with MH (Mental Health) issues + SA (Substance Abuse) issues is the ability to determine a baseline as well as the self-medicating mine tend to do. The self-medicating is a temporary fix which gives them temporary relief. It stops working and then they are back cycling through their low times.
I will never pretend to understand Depression. I just try to make sure they know I will support their recovery in any way possible/logical and that I care for them and their pain.
I agree with Jerry - taking care of yourself and practicing understanding and empathy are awesome suggestions. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
