Bad advice by loved ones - Al-Anon Family Group

Amandasheart · Member

Bad advice by loved ones

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Often even well-intentioned people don't have boundaries when it comes to advice-giving and thinking they're in a position to judge.

I guess if I were in this situation (as I have been sometimes), I'd say, "It looks simple from the outside but it's more complicated than it looks. The process is happening. Right now I'm burnt out on discussing it. You can trust that I'm doing my best. Let's talk about you for once! How's that '[whatever] going?"

If they were really getting on my case I might say something like, "It's under control. What about 'I'm not going to talk about this?' do you not understand?" And if they kept on hassling me, I'd limit my time with them. Because do-gooders and advice-givers - there's never a shortage, is there? smile

Yankeerose · Senior Member

Mattie, that is one of my go to lines "I have it under control." I think that sometimes when loved ones give unwanted advice it's because they really are trying to help but they don't realize how they come across. And let's face it, if you have not walked in my shoes you really can't know exactly what I'm dealing with. I've also found that the less I tell, the less unwanted advice I get. You are not alone Amandasheart.

Amandasheart · Member

Thank you so much, those are very good pieces of advice, I never even thought about boundries for a solution!!!! I am so busy setting up boundries for my AH it never occurred to me I need to do the same for others!!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Amanda welcome I believe that you have explained perfectly why you cannot leave immediately I would state this and refuse to discuss the issue nor explain any further . Keep coming back

Taraxacum · Senior Member

I struggle with this as well. sometimes I choose not to share with people because I simply don't want to hear their platitudes or unwanted advice. When I think about it though, this type of comment is well meaning and only exposes that person's lack of understanding and experience with alcoholism. When I have confidence in my program and my decisions their judgement and unwanted advice isn't as scary, that's for them to worry about.

KathRN · Veteran Member

(((Amandasheart))). It's difficult because I've found that many times they get upset if you don't take their advice. I like some of the solutions the others have used.

YARNCRAZY · Senior Member

i used all these pieces of advice offered in former posts with great success with my recent and also very complicated move. One other thing if its a sort of close friend. Why not offer them a task for them to do for u? Like pick up change of address cards, newspaper for looking up new apts/jobs. some packing materials etc?? If u trust someone, delegate them. My biggest help was my sister,s husband.

Thorn · Veteran Member

Echoing what Yankee said, I have learned to not overshare in general and to turn to program friends for "program responses". Those "civilians" outside the program are just not living our same lives are they?

I talk about absolutely anything and everything else with non-program friends and family, but I save recovery talk for my friends in program, period. This way I won't be offered unsolicited advice/solutions. The comfort of being not judged for who I am and what I say in Al Anon rooms is just so refreshing. They "get" me and I "get" them.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I found that some of my friends were tired of me complaining about my AH and didn't know what else to say to me. I had to learn to not verbally vomit all my dissatisfaction about my life on them because they were just as frustrated of me as I was with them. I finally talked it out with my best friend and she wanted more for me then misery, but she didn't know how to fix it for me. I learned through al-anon who I could vent to and how to work on myself, and how to set boundaries for me. My sponsor was always a good one to vent to and she knew how to help me through it. It isn't easy to make changes and it can be a slow process. Be loving and patient with yourself as well as others, change takes time. Sending you love and support!

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