The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The C2C reading for January 29, speaks about "self-expression." It points out that upon attending Al-Anon meetings, we discover how important it is to give voice to our feelings. We need to be very careful how we do this, as there is a huge difference between "expressing ourselves" and using words to control others.
The reading goes on to say that if we're trying to control others, we can check to see how many times we say the same thing. If we mention something that is on our mind and then" let go" no matter what response I get I am speaking sincerely.if I repeatedly make the same suggestions or ask the same questions again and again I'm trying to control.
We need to learn to be honest with ourselves and not use our recovery program, as an excuse to justify our efforts to change or try to control other people, This only gets us in deeper trouble.
Quote is from Thomas a Kempis; "We should have much peace if we would not busy ourselves with the sayings and doings of others."
Before alanon I negated my feelings, and tried to make other people's feelings very important. I reasoned that if they were doing the "right" thing I would be happy. Alanon gave me many powerful tools to live by. These enabled me to let go of my many negative destructive attitudes and embrace, kindness, compassion, empathy understanding ,(first for myself and then for others). Thank you alanon .
Oh, this is perfect for me today. "Mention something then let it go"....I am meeting with my soon-to-be ex this morning, and I have been struggling with a compulsion to want to have a "real and honest" conversation with him. This reading makes me realize how much I want to influence, and yes, control him. He has been a dry drunk for 20 of the 43 years we've been married, and I know (though I keep forgetting) that he is not capable of even knowing what truth is for him, much less what are lies in what he says.
In the past few days, knowing we are getting closer to a final end of our marriage, I have found myself feeling sorry for him - he is in such pain - and wondering if I should try to reconcile. The meetings I've been to have helped me see that my concern has to be on rebuilding my injured self, and especially, on relying on God, my HP, for strength and direction...In the past, I fear I had looked at my spouse as my HP. We had built our unhealthy way of relating to each other on that - kind of a chicken-egg enabling, where we each enabled each other through weakness that looked like strength and strength that looked like weakness.
So, at least for today, I will focus on and try to listen to how my HP is nudging me. If I feel I have to share something, I will simply state it and let it go, allowing my HP to use my words - or not!
Welcome Rosemeyer. Thank you for your powerful share. Good luck with your meeting and keep remembering to stay focused on yourself and to send HP before you to the meeting place. Keep coming back
Welcome Rosemeyer - glad you found us and what a great share!!
Thank you Betty for the daily reading summary and your ESH. I am grateful for this reading as it's a reminder that my feelings matter and I can share what I am feeling today. Before Al-Anon, I never took the time to 'check me'. I was too busy and distracting with 'checking others', and thought I was helpful.....so not true - it was a form of power and attempt to control the outcome and actions of others.
My words and efforts were sincere, but so wrong in many ways. I have now learned that I can say what I mean, mean what I say and say it nicely and let it go! I statements help me too - beyond making my words sound less controlling, I statements help me remember I am focused on me now and not on everything and everyone around me.
The quote is spot on for me!!! My family is very emotional right now and there is a bit of chaos but I can use my tools and stay on the peripheral place of peace.
Thank you for your service Betty & thank you Al-Anon.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
