The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I've just had the final straw!! AD went on a binge tonight with my grandson's truck that my husband left to him when he passed. Grandson just turned 18. The truck is still in my name. The title was mailed to me around the time my hubby passed and I can't find it anywhere. I need to apply for a lost title. Soooo, with debilitating back pain, I jumped in my car & ran all over kingdom come lookin for her. After calling her around 50 times & leaving countless messages.....she finally called me back and kept asking (in slurred words) why I was doing this to her! ??? Over & over. "But seriously Mom, why are you doing this to me?" And hung up. I called several more times. Same questions. Finally after I started crying, and told her for the millionth time that I didn't want to lose everything her Dad & I worked so hard for all of our lives, she FINALLY told me where she was. She stumbled out of the bar and let me give her a ride home. I locked the truck and gave the keys back to my grandson. As bad as I hate to, I need to make the decision to tell my grandson that if I catch her driving the truck again (she has no vehicle) That I will be forced to take the truck back until the title is transferred. The catch is he gives all of his siblings a ride to school ( they're just close enough that there is no bus service but far enough away that it's a really long walk on cold days) AND his dad has no driver's license and no vehicle so he has to take his dad to get groceries, and run the other 4 kids wherever they need to be! I hate putting the burden on him....he has enough on his plate, helping with all of his siblings, watching them when Dad works, etc....but I see no other choice. I can't risk her killing herself, or God forbid, someone else and losing everything her Dad & I worked so hard to get. Her argument is "you want me to get a job, but you won't let me use the truck to look for one!" Well, she just shot herself in the foot because I can no longer take this! I'm sure when I tell her, it will be all my fault, but I don't know what else to do! I hate being in this position, but I'm at a loss. I'm Damned if I do, and Damned if I don't! I just need support!!
Thank you for listening and any advice you can give me
__________________
KathyRN
"A PROBLEM IS ONLY A PROBLEM, IF YOU CHOOSE TO SEE IT AS A PROBLEM!"
So sorry Kathy for what you've been through tonight. We really do not give advice, but I know when my boys were active, I locked up all vehicles, and took them off our insurance. I too was full of fear about how their actions would affect our liability. However, when they turned 18, I was less fearful. We did not give them access to any vehicle at any age if they were active in the disease. I was not every willing to participate in any situation that could result in damage to another or them.
We never put them back on our insurance once they went to their first treatment center. We did require they carry their own even when they lived in our home. Healthy boundaries established with my sponsor helped me to detach when they were active and seeing things through the disease instead of logic. I will state that now there are grand-children in the picture, my son does realize that if I every feel they are in danger in their own residence, I will call CPS. I won't plead, beg, take them or anything else. But, I will call the authorities who can assess impartially and make recommendations if necessary. The children need to be protected and if their parents and family won't do it, I am one who believes they should be monitored by an agency.
The best suggestion I can give you is turn your focus and energy back to you. Work the program to the best of your ability and the answers will come. If nothing changes, nothing changes - she's going to do what she's going to do and she's expecting you to do the same. We called it the 'dance' around here. When I changed how I acted and reacted, they were forced to - even if it was to get in trouble with the law, go to jail, prison, etc. As long as I kept rescuing my boys, they didn't feel the consequences of their actions. It took some major changes on my part to detach, but it was so worth it.
Keep coming back - we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Kathy I am so very sorry that you must endure this difficult situation while grieving the loss of your husband and your own physical health. It certainly sounds s if you are between a "rock and a hard place". I know I have been there, when my hubby passed and I made sure that I changed the car insurance over into my son's name and did the same with the title. I know this is your intention,so that ,until this can be accomplished , unfortunately,as IAH suggests, I too would lock up all vehicles (regardless of the need) Your mental health is must important. Alanon suggests that until we learn to really take care of ourselves, we will have nothing positive to give others. Maybe without the access to a car the school district might make and exception and pick up the children. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
Hi KathRN
I'm sorry to hear about this next episode with your daughter. It appears that she is really struggling with the disease of Alcoholism. Going to face to face meetings and trying to put the focus back on yourself is the best thing you can do. What do you need in this situation? Is there a way to put up some boundaries so that you can let go little bit? The best part (and sometimes the most frustrating part) about Al Anon is that people don't give you advice or tell you what to do. At first I found it kind of hard to understand and process and sometimes I felt like people didn't care. But when you think about it the only thing we can do for each other is share our own experiences and let the person decide the best course of action for themselves. I now see it as a very respectful process. In my face to face meetings I hear the phrase "take what you like and leave the rest" and it is reassuring to know that I can make my own choices. I don't personally have experience with an AD but I know I spent a lot of time chasing my AH around trying to talk some sense into him. One of the first things that brought me peace was realizing that you can't reason with someone who is drunk. There is no reasoning with that. So I stopped trying to chase, talk to, call, reason with him when he was intoxicated. The other realization I had was that I was never going to convince my AH that he has a drinking problem. The first step of realizing I was powerless really helped me understand that all of my talking, chasing, pointing out, convincing and arguing was doing nothing at all but causing me pain. When I worked on detachment (and I work on it every day) I started to look at what I needed for my own sanity. I started to set boundaries around the things I had control over. I still cared about my AH and wanted him to get better but I gave up trying to push him towards recovery. I wish you all the best KathRN. We are all here for you.
Well, I've just had the final straw!! AD went on a binge tonight with my grandson's truck that my husband left to him when he passed. Grandson just turned 18. The truck is still in my name. The title was mailed to me around the time my hubby passed and I can't find it anywhere. I need to apply for a lost title. Soooo, with debilitating back pain, I jumped in my car & ran all over kingdom come lookin for her. After calling her around 50 times & leaving countless messages.....she finally called me back and kept asking (in slurred words) why I was doing this to her! ??? Over & over. "But seriously Mom, why are you doing this to me?" And hung up. I called several more times. Same questions. Finally after I started crying, and told her for the millionth time that I didn't want to lose everything her Dad & I worked so hard for all of our lives, she FINALLY told me where she was. She stumbled out of the bar and let me give her a ride home. I locked the truck and gave the keys back to my grandson. As bad as I hate to, I need to make the decision to tell my grandson that if I catch her driving the truck again (she has no vehicle) That I will be forced to take the truck back until the title is transferred. The catch is he gives all of his siblings a ride to school ( they're just close enough that there is no bus service but far enough away that it's a really long walk on cold days) AND his dad has no driver's license and no vehicle so he has to take his dad to get groceries, and run the other 4 kids wherever they need to be! I hate putting the burden on him....he has enough on his plate, helping with all of his siblings, watching them when Dad works, etc....but I see no other choice. I can't risk her killing herself, or God forbid, someone else and losing everything her Dad & I worked so hard to get. Her argument is "you want me to get a job, but you won't let me use the truck to look for one!" Well, she just shot herself in the foot because I can no longer take this! I'm sure when I tell her, it will be all my fault, but I don't know what else to do! I hate being in this position, but I'm at a loss. I'm Damned if I do, and Damned if I don't! I just need support!!