The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's never ending. In October, after the last drinking time which resulted in no job, no home, no money, no girl friend and baby, 38 year ld A son tried living on the street for a few days. He didn't like it. My sister offered him her couch in NYC. He is on probation. He set up a program that included 5 days a week in a program from 9-2, new meds for bi polar, once a week visit to probation, job search, etc. My sister is 73 and has lived alone for 50 years. Most of the time he is grumpy and ungrateful. She ignores it. It was all ok until last week when he stopped the meds cause he left them at a friends, started drinking, missed all his programs and his job, and is now sleeping and recovering.
We've been there before, but this is the major problem. Due to finances, age etc, our house is sold and Saturday we are moving 1000 miles away. I am leaving my sister and my son. I can't control anything he does or does not do. My sister will never let him go. He was in his good mode when he arrived, optimistic and on the go. She is determined to give him a place no matter what. This morning I told her that he needs to go to an ER. She said absolutely not. I am 100 miles away and packing for the moving truck on Saturday. Besides, there is no moving him unless he wants to go.
All I can think of to do, is alert my older son and ask him to drop him at a hospital that admits 24/7 for evaluations if and when my sister asks for help. I have spoken to them several times. Then he is on his own.
I need to have a life that we can afford. It breaks my heart to leave here after 42 years, but we would lose the house in a few years if we stay and be broke. DH is 75, needs to retire and we can't do it here. (Bet you can't figure out where lots of our money went-Ha)
Now he is crying on the phone because he violated probation and he is afraid of the consequences. He has a 9 month old son whose mother has an order of protection from the last go round. He cries about how much he loves him, but that's not enough either.
Can I get in the car and just go on Saturday? I am unable to see clearly.
(((((Laura))))) Proof again that this disease really sucks!! and then There is a solution(s) and you do have control...Your solutions and your control over your life, behavior and program...he knows lots of stuff and that if he does the right things with what he knows he will survive beautifully and then he is responsible for the "ifs and If nots". Keep giving it back to him (his responsibilities) and turn him over to your HP. Prayers for you and your hubby and your sister and son....Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
At One Point in my Life My Whole world Crashed and I Was In the Middle of Family Issues that was Not Mine to Handle... I too Moved Away for a Bit to Regroup and Rethink My Route.. The Consequences your Son speaks of are all his Doing, you can't control it, Can't Cure it and Didn't Cause it... His Choices did...
This Disease is Beyond Baffling and Confusing at times... But I Personally have Found if "I" Don't take care of Me First, I'm Just as Sick as them... You Mentioned your son is 38yrs old.. Allow him to be 38... Our Step Son is too an Addict... He has Worked for his Father since he was in his Early Teens, He Just Turned 40 last Nov... However Last April We had to Let Him Go... We Could No Longer Smooth Over all the DUI's & DWI's that Raised Our Insurance, We could No Longer Lose Ourselves in his Life... He has two Children 11 & 10 it breaks my heart and I Will make sure those kids have Food and Needs if Need Be, they are the Innocents ones.... But we had to Release him to his Disease and Let him decide if he is Willing to fight for his Own Life, Without Dad Always Picking up the Pieces...
I Have seen him 5 days a Week for almost 20 yrs, it breaks my heart that I haven't seen him since Christmas and I'm sure he Came Kicking and Screaming them... He is Still in his Fog according to the Rumors that show up at our Door Un Invited, but he is a Man and Needs to Find out what that is... I have Handed him to his HP... and Ask Mine to Help Me Be Ok with that...
WOW a Move 1000 Miles Away :) That to Me sounds like a Nice "Start Over & Begin a New Adventure" ... My Husband is on the Edge of Retirement, and He is So Fearful of Just Stopping (He has been his own boss for 35 years) sometimes it becomes Overwhelming for me watching his Teeter Tooting Everyday on the "What Ifs" and I Can't Help him, I Can only tell him, I Support his Decision Regardless of whether he stays or Hangs it Up...
I Wish Wonderful thing for you in your Move, but Mainly "Peace of Mind" Knowing, you have done the Best you Can, and its All Going to be OK...Because you too Deserve, Love, Peace & Happiness :) Regardless of what Side of the World your On :D
Take Care of You & KEEP COMING BACK.... Can't Wait to Hear all about the New Place :D
((Laurab))) I do hear you and so understand. Most of my retirement money went to the same " cause." You have provided your sister with enough choices and information. I would proceed with your plans and "Let go andLlet God have the rest. I might suggest that sister try atttending alanon if she thinks she might need support.
Prayers and positive thoughts for the entire family.
Thank you. I don't know why I am not active on this site all the time. I read very often but I don't respond to other posters until my life becomes a mess. I need to be a better member of this community.
It's as if my son's cyclical life controls mine. It's true. His cycles run me as far as I feel about myself. He occupies a place in my brain which is quiet when I think he is ok and frantic when the bipolar cycle clicks in.
I am thinking the way he does. When he's ok I know I can function and I hope that maybe this time it won't happen. Then he crashes and I crash with him. I'm so tired.
Laurab, my heart is with you! These people on here are so wise and it seems to me that they've "been there, done that" and have "seen it all", and if not all than most. As they say, "take what you want and leave the rest"' but I agree with their statements, and I usually try to take what they say, to heart. Again, my heart is with you, and I agree that you deserve a good life.
__________________
KathyRN
"A PROBLEM IS ONLY A PROBLEM, IF YOU CHOOSE TO SEE IT AS A PROBLEM!"
(((Laurab))) - you can retire and have peace. You can give him his life, actions, consequences, etc. and have yours. You can chose to enforce your boundaries and turn him/the situation/your sister over to a power great than us. I too used to ebb/flow with the set-backs/success of my boys and while it was an improvement over the constant craziness I felt before this program, it became unacceptable as I became healthier.
We deserve to be happy, healthy and whole. It took me a long time to realize that my children's choices were nothing of my doing. It wasn't how they were raised, what they experienced, etc. - it's a conscious choice to experiment with substances that are addictive and life-destoying. They were taught better, they were warned and they were raised with all the knowledge I ever had. They were provided for, protected, nurtured and loved. They have equal knowledge of recovery, MH assistance, etc. I believe our children, those who've taken the road less traveled are smarter than most - they've seen and experienced both sides of the coin.
The disease takes control and holds on. It's no different than other diseases. There is treatment and recovery. We can't make them do it or want it. The light-bulb for me is when I realized that I cared much more about their future than they did. I was concerned about their survival and they were not - so I changed my role/definition of 'mother'. I feel I did my job and they now either step up and own their lives or they don't.
I do not assume that because I am the mother I am accountable or responsible for their illness or their recovery. I can love them and hate the disease. I can and have moved forward and have boundaries over what assistance I will provide. You and your hubbie have worked for what you are getting ready to do. Go enjoy your retirement as best you can. He'll find his way - mine have so far!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
