The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So - some of you know that I have a lovely Aunt, 83 years old, who went from independent living 2.5 weeks ago to Hospice today. There is no obvious or apparent reason that she's declined other than her body is just giving out in a general way. In my immediate family, I am the only one left in the area of our upbringing. This Aunt is my father's sister, and I am close to her...
My parents are 81 and reasonably healthy. Yet, they are 81 and this past holiday, I am noticing some mental slippage. It's a bit beyond repeating themselves, but expected for their age. They are still very sharp and physically well - my mother is declining physically, but solid for her age and health issues. I have 3 brothers also who are geographically disbursed.
It has become my 'job' to represent our family. I did not apply for this job, but graciously do my best and everyone is grateful. I attend funerals, weddings, etc. when the rest can't get back and I also am the limb in the communication tree when there are health issues, illnesses or even happy events that require sharing. I am the youngest and the only girl so am also the one who tends to my parents needs when they have them. I did not apply for that job either, but am grateful I am able to serve.
I've had this grown-up job for a long while. I've done it proudly and to the best of my ability. I've had some less than positive feedback over the years, but I tend to not take it personally. This morning, my cousin called asking me to come to the hospital as she needed to go to work for a while. She asked me to come @ 11, and I just felt the push to go 'then'. I ended up arriving at 10:20ish, and she was alone staring out the window while my Aunt was snoring away. They had removed all tubes, machines, IV's, etc. and it was just the two of them. I was so grateful that I went when I went as she was clearly having a bad moment.
She apologized and said she just could not go to work or leave. She was in scrubs ready to go, but she just could not go. I think she expected me to be 'bothered' that I drove over to cover and she opted to stay. I just hugged her and held her and said, No Biggie - we'll sit and be together. We talked about everything, anything and nothing. I know she was truly wanting her husband, daughter, son, sister and niece to arrive before her mother passed and was extremely anxious that might not happen...
So, we passed the time as best we could. We had no quiet moments, and I believe she felt better - as good as she can - and everyone arrived just as we were preparing my Aunt for the ambulance ride to the Hospice Center. We all hugged and cried and hugged and cried and then I felt it was time for me to let them be a family so departed to return to my home/town.
I felt good about the experience and grateful to be of service. Then, I remembered my job - that damn job of being the POC (Point of Contact) for my family. I went from serene and grateful to be of service to crying like a child and wishing I was one!!! I just didn't want to make those phone calls and provide those updates. I am emotionally OK until I have to speak so I drove on towards my town, sunglasses on, crying like a baby. Not necessarily for my Aunt or her end of life, not even for my cousins and their grief but mostly because I had to be a grown-up, and call my father to share his last living immediate family member was soon going to leave this earth.
Men and women process so differently, and I collected myself and made the call. I could hear his sadness and we both tried to be strong. I broke down yesterday and that made him do so, so I was trying to avoid that today. I made it through that call and he told me thank you for doing all that you are doing. But, I hung up and truly decided I wanted to be a child again - just for a moment, just for a day - I don't want to have to be a grown-up. I want to be a little selfish and self-serving, just for a minute so I can grieve and feel. I don't want to be strong, I want to be weak - just for a minute/two. I updated my brothers so they would be aware of where things are.
Needless to say, I came home, had some chicken noodle soup (cures so many things!) and then took a 2 hour nap. I left my ringers on and nobody called or texted (thanks HP). I woke up a bit refreshed and feeling more peace. Death is hard for me and it always has been. I get sad when others are sad. I prefer laughter and joy over grief, sadness and tears. *Sigh* - maybe in many ways, I am still just a child and don't realize it.
We are now in the waiting stage. I don't do well with waiting either. But, with the help of this program, you all and my HP, I will get through this. Please keep us all in your prayers...
Thanks for being here...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Dear IAH ))) Your Aunt and the entire family are extremely fortunate to have you as such a loving , concerned member. Your love, acceptance and compassion flow through every word and have touched my heart completely.
Prayers and positive thoughts on the way. I hope they will do a little to sustain you during this difficult time
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(Iamhere) Your program has served you well and comes through so much in your post regarding your Aunt. Your service to your family and being present for your aunt and cousin even when it is hard is admirable and they are fortunate to have you in their midst. You are able to be exactly what they need at the moment with no expectations attached and that is program at its finest. I am so glad that you got to take a nap and recharge yourself a little bit to without interruption. You are still a child.... A child of God as we all are and he has you in his embrace.
Iamhere- Im totally there in spirit for you. I had the same position all my life also and think my anxiety panic was the little girl in me begging to be let out. you are lucky to have some family around u now. I went through 3 hospice situation hands on 3 times in like 5 years. You have been so kind and supportive to me. I send you peace and strength
hugs
alyce
Yep, I was a Child Right there with ya... I Can So Relate to How you are Feeling, I Too am the "Responsible" One, and Connection of All.. Or So It Seems at times... In those times I Do... I Need to "Feel" my Sorrow, Or Anything for that Matter... and if I Don't it truly makes me Sick to my stomach if I Can't get it out...
What a Blessing you are to your Family. I Remind Myself I'm Best Staying in This Moment... Sometimes I Can't even think ahead an Hour. It Helped me when Sitting with my Mother In Law in her End of Days, I Embraced the Moments instead of the Days... I now Help Care for my 91 yr old Gram, and it Truly has Changed My Life, I Can't be All that she Needs, But we See each other Weekly, sometimes several times a week... She has Shown me Compassion, Helplessness, Strength and Happiness, and So Much More, and when I'm Grieving and Just Needing to Cry, I Do..(Even While I'm at MIP Reading Shares) ;). Even if I Have to take a Small Drive in my truck, I Just give myself that Time... It has been a Huge Improvement in my Attitude and Well being when I Finally Allow Myself to Process... Good For you ;)
I will be Keeping you and your Family in my Prayers, Know that you are Not Alone, and All the Loving Prayers coming your Way
Iamhere - thank you for touching me with the honest and beautiful way that you express these feelings. I relate to them a lot and they remind me of the time that I spent with my mother in her last few weeks. Such a difficult journey, but exactly where I wanted to be.
Your theme got me thinking about whether I prefer to spend time with a person who always wants to be an adult or would I prefer to be with someone who sometimes wanted to be a child? Its a no brainer for me! Feeling feelings and expressing them in a loving way is a gift that, with luck, we carry and hone from birth. Sending ((((hugs))))) and I'm glad you are feeling rested and taking good care of yourself.
Hugs to you at this difficult time. It is hard when your parents and other family members get older and you go from being the child to being the care taker. I know what you are going through. My father is 80 and has had declining health. I find more and more that I am helping make big decisions as this is very overwhelming for my mother and her depression is really starting to get worse. I too have a sibling who lives out of state so the majority of the issues that pop up, I take care of. I don't have too much to add but just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks all. She is still here as of now, but my cousins are planning the service for Saturday. So, I will be hosting an assortment of my family at my home for the weekend. I appreciate all the support and kindness - the sun is shining and I keep thinking it's a beautiful day for her to meet her maker...
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Prayers for you IAH, see so much of myself in your post. Lost my mom and brother 6 months apart a few years ago and the point of contact thing can just be so exhausting.
There were times that I sent out a group email or text because I just could not trust my voice to make it through the calls or tell the trials of the day one more time.
Lots of bawling in my alone times, in the car or shower. They take care of us for a number of years and then suddenly the tide turns, and we are taking care of them wondering when exactly those roles changed.
It is a beautiful day (any day we wake up is!) I am wishing your beloved aunt an easy exit.
Yet another long day and she's still hanging on. Her son (my cousin) who has been estranged from everyone for 35 years appeared this morning. It was a bit tense and awkward for a while but we all got through it.
She's very close but not yet gone. Thanks to all for the prayers and positive thoughts. I'm in a better place tonight than last night, and that is a gift of this program!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good morning all - my Aunt did pass last night and has left this place. She is now at peace and no longer in any pain.
Thank you for your support during this difficult time.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks everyone....the sun is shining and we are having unseasonably warm weather....that's a gift since my parents are driving cross country. I've been working on plans, logistics, etc. all morning and am ready for a break.....thank goodness I am able to allow myself one - thanks to Al-Anon.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You and your family are in my prayers (((Iamhere)))) I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved aunt.
I do want to thank you for posting about your feelings as one who has shouldered much of the responsibility during times of crisis. It's helped me to realize some emotions though not outwardly expressed that my functioning alcoholic brother may have felt as eldest, primary caregiver and poa for our parents. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks all......I did get a chuckle today as this is the more functional side of my family! My dear cousins who are planning the funeral services for their mother (my aunt) has some significant snafuus......
So - we have 12 family members who had prepared travel plans with the intended service to be held on Saturday. Most are in route/on the way or booked without refunds available. We then found out that the funeral could not take place until Monday and the burial (Fort Leavenworth - military spouse) could not take place until Tuesday.
So - we have a visitation Saturday evening, then catholic funeral on Monday and burial on Tuesday. I called my oldest who was to attend and be a pallbearer and said, "Please cremate me and have a party...."
Everyone is now in the reactive mode with some unable to be here and it's a debacle ++++++.
I am staying on my side of the street just trying to be of service. I prefaced all communications to my traveling family with, "Please don't shoot the messenger..."
Needless to say, my Aunt was very, very special and it appears her multiple day service will be fit for a Queen!!!
It's been a day of cleaning, cooking, resting, talking, texting, and rinse/repeat...
Continued prayers for my sanity would be lovely as it's getting much more complicated than I anticipated...
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sending ((((hugs))))) and I'm glad you are feeling rested and taking good care of yourself.