The material presented
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Funny, how I'll always find something to complain about, ugh. I have been dating my new guy for nearly 10 months. Everything is fine on the surface but I struggle with the normalcy of our relationship. No drama, no major issues (except that I think he's not a verbal guy when he expresses himself and he chooses to express himself through actions), etc. He is kind, committed, slow to anger, responsible, accountable, apologizes for his wrongs and tries to make things right. He listens to me and gives me constructive feedback. When he ticks me off I have no fear telling him about it or asking him to fix it because I don't have to walk on eggshells like I did in my alcoholic marriage. He is very blunt and honest with me and I am so grateful for this because I know I don't actually have to read between the lines. There are no games here. If he says he wants to be with me, he means it.
We act like we're married to some degree and I am having trouble figuring out if this is 'normal' for a couple who have been dating for less than a year. Well, actually, it's been like this for some time now. I go to his house and feed the cat and the dog and do the dishes for him, and he comes to my house and sprays it for bugs or helps me with yard work, etc.
His kids seem to love me and actually his 7 year old daughter came right out and told me she loved me. His 10 year old constantly tries to figure out if we're heading towards marriage and she often locks arms with me or rests her head on my chest and holds my hand. His family has welcomed both me and my son into their mix and we spend time with them every so often.
And.....so what's the problem? The problem is that I try to create problems in my head. I get frustrated with the calm, I try to read into every little thing he does or doesn't do(mostly this, haha), I set expectations and they get let down. In other words, I make the relationship all about me and my needs. So, instead of recognizing that he's doing the best he can I find myself criticizing (in my thinking) his actions or inactions.
For instance: 1.He's in the middle of packing up his house to rent to spring training baseball players (4 players from the Kansas City Royals). He is waiting for his new home to completed as it is a new build. He will basically be living between his brother's house and my house for about 2 months but these ball players are paying him a hefty rent and he gets to keep it furnished so he doesn't have to pay to store the furniture while his house is being built. Living in limbo is going to be hard especially when it comes to the times when he's supposed to have his kids, too. 2. He just found out yesterday that a 1.5 million dollar prospect isn't sure she's ready to bring him her business (he's a financial planner) and just 2 weeks ago she was certain and ready to sign the transfer papers. 3. His new house is stressful, in general, just in the planning alone: trying to figure out how to pay for all the extras like landscaping, window coverings, new furniture, etc. 4.He has RA(rheumatoid arthritis) that can wear him out or the meds will mess with him and he gets exhausted or feels sick sometimes.
My issue? He wasn't as loving last night as he usually is. He was distracted and on his phone (looking at furniture and refrigerator reviews) and blah blah blah.....He wasn't paying attention to me and I automatically fall into my codependent thinking. Instead of focusing on what he said when I got to his house last night, "It feels like I haven't see you for so long, even though it was just yesterday." Or when he complimented me on something that night. Or when he got up in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch he left me his squishy pillow and propped it up against me because he knows I sleep better that way when he leaves the room......ARGH.....what is wrong with me?
See???? This is how my crazy rears it's ugly head even when you don't live with active alcoholism. This is why I still need program. This is why I need to focus on meeting my own needs and letting God into my relationship. Because, really, I have a great man. He's good to me and anything I feel that doesn't fit 'my perfectionistic' view of how I THINK things should look, just show me how far I still have to go. I am truly happy with my life. My guy is just a nice addition to an already blessed life, but some days I get right into fear, into feeling unworthy, into feeling needy, into selfishness and ego driven thinking.
Just thought I'd share. Today I have awareness of where these feelings come from and why. I can address them within myself and realize that it's about me, not about him or about my boss or about my ex. This is about me and I'm grateful to Al Anon today because program has given me tools to keep moving forward. Happy Tuesday everyone!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Andromeda, all I can say is that when I get anxious, I question my motives and look for all the things in my life that I should be grateful for. {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hi Andromeda After so many years of living with dysfunction and abnormal , I am pleased to enjoy NORMAL and am grateful each morning for a sane loving partner and a manageable routine.
I'm smiling in recognition of your feelings - well done you for processing them with so much self-awareness.
You sound like a lovely loving couple. If it all gets too boring again I'd be awfully grateful to swap for a couple of weeks!! (Although I get the impression that the children would miss you - which is soooo awesome!)
Aww, thanks milkwood. I swear I get this uncomfortable feeling on the inside whenever I have expectations that get the best of me. I get antsy and have an internal 'feelings thermometer' that goes off and wonders: is it me? Can I fix something here? Why is he being more distant? What did I do?
And, then I nitpick every behavior, every spoken word, and every inaction. Instead of just enjoying what is and realizing that everyone has down days, days when they need to reflect more, days when they need to think, etc . Not everyone can be the same day in and day out, it's just not possible. And, that goes for me too.
When we learn to love ourselves and learn what loving with boundaries and grace look like, relationships take on a whole new meaning. They are not easier by any means, but there is an enlightenment that happens when you can see your part, look at both sides objectively, and still want to be in it fully. I always wonder if this man will break my heart. I have opened up to him with honesty and vulnerability at times and I sometimes feel like I've left it all out there. Relationships are a risk, but nothing can compare to what I have been through in my alcoholic marriage. I came out of that with lots of scars, lots of healing, and lots of pain. I'm still here so no matter what happens with my current guy, I know I will be OK. And, that is what program has taught me. Taking it one day at time even when I overthink, obsess, and think in fear. That is what grounds me in today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Ican so relate.. i have a wonderful new guy that fits your guy's good qualities i am very grateful also . my guy though has a dificult problem. he is a hoarder and has been neglectful to his house because of depression and other reasons. at first i thought of alanons policy of his circus,his problem, stay out of it. it does affect the comfort level of me in his house. i think that when we discussed it, he is seeing the light. he gets wheezy in my place because of the cat. i set a boundary. i said, if you want to be here,you must address this by going to the doctor for meds. im not going to go with you at 2am to your house when u have a asthma attack at my house. it breaks my heart to hear u suffer wheni it cant be easily resolved. i know because i have asthma too.
then i got to thinking, i dont want his house condition to 'break the deal' of our otherwise wonderful relationship. i dont want to contol him as we are warned not to do but he seems open to change as he is going to the doc today for asthma meds. so i suggested an adventure' thats what we call our dates because they are often challenges to problems we are overcoming. i have panic disorder so we go to places i have trouble with and i deal with them often wioth much success. i suggested that we deal with the bathroom at his place as an"teaching adventure" I said, we will order pizza . I will mostly supervise. He was surprisingly open to it and since it affects me, he wanted to tackle it
yes, it is great when at the start of a relationship thee is a mutual sharing ofeach others issues and errandfs etc. good luck to both of us. We deserve healthy relationships!!
As women we are trained always to be fixing things and making things better. I notice that if you read a women's magazine, it's all about "living your best life" (not just your perfectly fine one), eating better, decluttering, making your pillows match your decor, improving your relationships, dressing better, cooking ever more luscious things, learning more makeup tricks - it's all about self-improvement and improving relationships and improving the family. No wonder we all have codie tendencies. We're in charge of world improvement! And then when we get together with A's, there's so much room for improvement that we're like in improvement overdrive - always trying to improve the situation, as it becomes more and more unimprovable.
So it's no wonder that sometimes we stay on the treadmill of scanning the landscape for things that need improving. Even all the articles about mindfulness are about "improving our ability to accept things as they are"!
When I get into the improvement worry zone, which happens about every twenty minutes, 24/7, lol, I sometimes think that I'm avoiding some other part of my life. Maybe even one that actually does need improving, like where am I headed and is that a good direction? Or maybe just the one that needs to sit back and congratulate myself for having come this far, and feel kinda satisfied about everything I've coped with in this crazy life. The magazines don't talk that much about congratulating ourselves. Maybe because it doesn't sell products. I certainly have found that my ability to savor things needs some more practice.
You are a great inspiration in how you've handled things and showing what a healthy life looks like. (Even catching yourself when you know the worry is starting up! That's what we all should be doing.) Hope you can enjoy being fabulous!
-- Edited by Mattie on Tuesday 26th of January 2016 05:00:04 PM
(((Hugs))) - my experience is that whenever I meet a new person, intimate or other, we are both on our 'best behavior'. The relationship is new, fun, exciting and each wants to shine bright. It's magnified in boy/girl ones, or at least it has always been in my lifetime. As time goes on, each becomes more comfortable and then each becomes more real. Both of these stages aren't good or bad, they are just different. Different for me can be a trigger for those inner feelings, and I believe it goes back to self-esteem for me....
An example - I recently reconnected with a group of gals from HS. We all started a text message group, and in the beginning we would all touch base through-out the day many times - sometimes there would be 50-100 messages per day! As time has gone on, it's trimmed down. One gal pal's father is in Hospice and she's caring for him and her mother. Another gal pal's husband is a big hunter, and this is 'his time' so she's busy each morning helping prep him to go forth and hunt. One gal pal still has a HS son, and he's more active now for sports, which pulls her time more. So - me, the one who is in Al-Anon - when things slowed down, a part of me thought, "What did I do wrong? or I wonder why everyone's so quiet?"
I just do not do well with change - big or small, I tend to think it's about me, or something I did or did not do. It takes getting program-centered to return me to sanity - everyone is busy, including you - chill out (this is how I talk to me).... I love, love, love QTIP when I am personalizing everything because it's so spot on - 99% of the time, when things around me or people around me are acting different, it has nothing to do with me!
I also have learned that just because I have this new talent where I can often identify my feelings, process them timely and then learn from them and move forward.....not everyone can. I have friends who are stressed when they break a nail - it will ruin their whole day! I just can't relate to that and wonder what would happen to them if they found their child near death in an overdose from drugs? I mean - seriously - we all, each creature from God is made so differently, processes differently, etc. I just can't always assume how I am is how they are or how they should be.
So - my experience is now and will always be - when I am feeling uncertain, uncomfortable or discontent about a person, place or thing, it's within me I need to look for the answer and my peace. The answers are never outside of myself, it's always an inside job.
Your processing tells me that you're working where you need to be. This relationship of yours is still so new. Enjoy the ups/downs - esp. since it appears he's as close to normal as there might be. I remember being bored for a minute when the drama/chaos diminished - and that boredom turned to gratitude very, very fast as I remember praying for peace and a boring life when things were far, far from it. My prayers were answered and I wasn't sure what to do with myself when that happened....
(((Hugs))) - stay in the moment and keep focusing on what is working well vs. what is not working well. You got this!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
YES! Iamhere, QTIP is one of my favorite sayings in program. My old sponsor told me to always just do the next right thing. So, if that's doing the dishes, then just go do the dishes. One thing at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time. That applies to my relationships as well.
Mattie, you are so right! I have slowly dropped the perfectionist at everything routine, but I do struggle with feeling enough for somebody else and that's where worry and fear come in.
Thank you all for the encouragement. I always know that I make big things out of nothing. My bf came over tonight for dinner. He and my son had fun teasing me about stuff and we all had a lovely time together. BF was his normal self; kind and loving. I love it when he thanks me for simple things as he always has, "Thanks for having me over for dinner. I really appreciate it." Honestly, in the 10 months we've been together, he's never been anything but grateful. I keep waiting for the real person to emerge and granted Iamhere has a point that we are putting our best foot forward in early dating, but we spend a LOT of time together and I've seen a lot of his negatives as he has with mine, as well.
I truly believe it takes 18 months or so to really know a person. Maybe that seems long but I'd rather take my time getting to know someone than rush things.
Can I just say that I love my life today? Even with my confusion, my stunted relationship skills, and my codependent thinking? I still love my life.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Getting a bit more of the regular updates, my take is he's a keeper minus the area of passion. There is an obvious trade off though and seeing him holistically does matter. He is hands down better than a passionate guy who is codependent or doesn't have his crap together.
HAHA, pinkchip.....I went to work with a hickey on my neck today! We have passion, believe me. He's just slow to express emotions or to be verbally expressive. Like I said, I love my life!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Just my experience but when I was first finding the courage to have relationships with new people, I had a lot of fear of rejection and abandonment - both of which I'd experienced with an exah. I tended to be very hyperfocused on what they did or didn't do and projected the past onto present situation. It was hard to just relax into a new friendship and let go and let god lead it to where it was meant to go. I wanted to safeguard myself from future hurt. When I was unsure of the other person, I reverted to old behavior of picking them apart. I know today that I did that out of fear of possibly losing them. The good feelings I was having for them felt like a loss of control, vulnerability and it seemingly gave them the power to hurt me either through dissatisfaction with me, rejection or abandonment. It felt easier to safeguard myself from that kind of fallout by deciding in my mind that they were less than my expectations. This wasn't resolved until I worked the spiritual side of my program on a much deeper level and formed a much larger network of loving friends both in the program and out of it. I needed this because on the deepest of emotional levels I had to resolve this void within myself which was resulting in misplaced dependency on other fragile human beings for personal fulfillment.
You make some wonderful points about the outward focus on what is being brought to us by the other person as opposed to what we are bringing to the relationship. That balance of give and take has been something I've had to learn after being married to someone addicted who was primarily emotionally and physically absent. I've had to be mindful not to hold a mirror up with a reflection of my past. My past behavior was to welcome a new man into my life then projecting the past behaviors of my exah onto the new man because I was so fearful that I might be doing the same thing and expecting different results. It really wasn't about not trusting him. I didn't trust myself to keep showing up in the relationship one day at a time and let it evolved naturally with the ebbs and flows that all relationships have. I often invalidated the man as an individual by not accepting him as he presented himself. Instead I wanted to reshape him so I could feel safe. Consequently, such actions were the catalyst for what I feared most - rejection.
Somehow with continuing to work this program, a turning point came about for me. I've been with someone five and a half years now who was only sober a few months when we met. He continues to be sober and lives in the present 24 hours. I was ten years in this program when we met. Unlike some stories I've heard in the Alanon rooms, I wasn't encountering a juvenile delinquent in an adult body. He really didn't want my help to get his personal affairs in order or his recovery. The 4 M's of Alanon quickly became useless - mothering, managing, manipulation and martyrdom. His early recovery made him unavailable to me many times due to attending more AA meetings and fellowship. Because I'd established a satisfying life with friends, interests, work, Alanon and community service the relationship felt much more easygoing and natural than the ones I'd attempted in the past. I could just take it a day at a time and know that my world wouldn't end, if our relationship did. Five and a half years later, we are more committed to one and other due to time and experience but still take it one day a time.
Thank you for sharing about your relationship. It sounds like a warm and loving one. I hope you continue enjoying all it's gifts one day at a time. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thankyou for this thread tonight Andromeda and everyone else who has shared your wisdom and experience. I really needed it all today. About 4 weeks ago a man I've known for years and always liked declared his feelings for me and despite the initial euphoric feelings I have a rising tide of terror and criticism and need and dread and guilt and doubt which I so don't want to overwhelm me or him. He has no addiction or mental health issues as far as I've ever been aware and seems like an actual adult male in an adult body. Help! I've no idea what to do with that. It's so far from my experience of dealing with relationships and I know in my soul I'm not there yet. I've just started my step 4 and now is not the time to 'take my recovery on the road' as Melody says. I guess I just need to take a day at a time and work my programme and hand it over. a blessing is that he lives abroad so i won't be tested in person too much while I get myself in a better place for this.
Hi gillygilly, welcome to the boards. Glad my thread was helpful to you. Your recovery is very important so just remember to take care of you first and everything else will fall into place.
As an aside to my thread above: I was talking on the phone to the bf yesterday and we started talking about his introverted personality vs my extroverted personality. He then said, "That's one of the things I like about you. You're not needy!! My kids, my dog, my cat...all climb up on me and want attention so there are times when I need some personal space and you seem to understand that about me."
Me? Not needy? Wow.....I always 'feel' needy but I'm not a big PDA person or 'hang all over my guy' kind of person so I guess that works pretty well for both of us, lol. I just thought it was funny that he called a codependent woman NOT NEEDY. I nearly bust out laughing at that moment!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
