The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So Friday I had a moment of clarity. I have been racking my brain and resources trying to figure out what to do for my ABF as his birthday is this week. But then I thought about my birthday this past year and how I was so disappointed. My ABF was in jail on my bday so I decided to go visit him and supersize him as I really just wanted to spend the day with him. I get there and he is in a bad mood. He got in an argument with a guard. He was not happy to see me and was very short and just not nice the whole visit. Mind you this was my bday. After I left I spent the whole day crying. So I thought a lot about that on Friday and all the many moments like that. So in my moment of clarity I thought what the hell am I doing with this person? Yes I love him, yes we have some really wonderful moments together, but they are few and far between. Most days I am walking on eggshells around him and being a pushover. So I went home told him how I was feeling and that I wanted to break up and for him to leave. I left that night to a friends and was hoping I would come back with him gone. Unfortunately not the case. He said he was not feeling well when I got back and needed some time to work out where he is going. I will keep my distance go to meetings friend for a week. Come Thursday if he seems to not be making moves I will tell him he has till Saturday to be out. That's a whole week and I know of 3 places he can stay off the top of my head. We have broken up before and he stayed in the house and guess what we got back together. Not this time. Its time to cut ties and do some work on me.
I've been thinking lately about how I've been conditioned to be grateful for the most mediocre of treatment in this relationship (AH for 7 years). I think it's done through AH being disappointing again and again...so when he actually shows up I am filled with sadness, joy and relief at the same time. I'm happy to read that you're no longer putting up with such little consideration. I hope to get there soon :)
Lovely awareness and best to you. I love that you are choosing you and your recovery. In my experience, making that decision truly helped me put myself and my program first. When it landed at the top of my priorites, it became much easier to embrace all elements of the program and find some joy and peace.
Keep doing what you are doing - you are wearing it well!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I know today and for some time to come things are going to be hard. I will need a lot of strength. I'm going to go to meetings as much as I can and come on here every day. I know that will help.
That sounds like a very sound plan
Sending you hugs and positive thoughts!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
You are sounding strong MC, keep Up with
your alanon and use all Your tools.
The tools are there for us to use once The
lightbulb goes on. Healthy Boundaries
with large doses of self protection, Both
Of them together equal self love, taking
care of Self, Emotionally, physically,
mentally And spiritually.
HP, then you, then everyone else.
It Really is that simple yet it can also be
very Hard. Wishing you the best.
Moment of Clarity. I like that. Sometimes all it takes is a moment to change your life. IN Al Anon, we have something called the three As, which is how we believe one learns. Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. Sometimes these can be separated by years, sometimes by seconds, but all three have to happen in order for real and lasting change. it sounds like you have hit the first two well, keep translating into action and you will have real change.
I can sympathize with you on the birthday thing. Birthdays are a very big deal to me and I try to make the kids and AH's very special. But throughout most of our 18 years together, mine would go by mostly unnoticed. I don't think he even remembered the date so I would write it on the calendar "MOM'S BDAY!" Haha that still didn't make a difference. The thing is he was active in alcoholism so he was only thinking where his next drink would come from not what to do for my birthday.
Just wanted to say I can relate and I'm happy to see you getting stronger in the program and doing what is best for yourself. (((HUGS)))
Hi MC, My birthday was never a priority. For the first 30 years of marriage he could not tell you what day was my birthday. And this is the wonderful guy that have had to walk on eggshells for decades and somehow I miss all of this? Al-anon is right, I am the crazy one! I am as addicted to him as he is to his vices... But I am trying to change that. One day at a time...
