The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I dont even know if this is where i need to be so I apologize in advance
I am not being directly affected by someone drinking. What is happening is my boyfriend of 2 months is in AA. I met him almost a year into sobriety. I have been trying my best to help support him even tho I dont understand what the AA 12 steps mean. Today he told me I am not being supportive of him like he needs. I am looking for a place to go to help me umderstand what my role in this is as someone who wants to support him. I dont know if Al Anon is place for me to go. If it is please help lead me to right direction to start having a better understanding of what is going on so i can become more supportive.
Hey bedroomeyez39 - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and that's a great question.
Not knowing too much beyond what you've shared, you are certainly able to go to a few meetings to get a feel for the disease and the way it affects the A. You can also go to open AA meetings to learn more. Did he give you any examples?
You certainly would be welcome and living with the disease, whether he's active or in recovery is a bit different than not living with the disease, so it surely can't hurt....
Glad you are here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello Welcome Alanon is a fellowship of members who live or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. Alcoholism has been identified as a disease by the AMA. and recovery from the disease involves for many, the attendance at AA. AA offers recovery tools that help members spiritually, emotionally and physically.
When the drinking stops that is great for the physcal portion of he disease. It takes many, many months of work to address the emotional and spiritual aspects.
Alanon offers tools that will help as you embark on a relationship with a recovering alcoholic.
Most importantly we learn that we are powerless over people and that the best we can do is focus on ourselves, live one day at atime, and find emotional support from members who understand as few others can.
Alanon has face to face meetings in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. I urge you to check them out and if possible look for an open AA meting as well. You will gain insight into the disease by so doing . You are not alone So please keep coming back
It just might be that the relationship is not right for you...He is a recovering alcoholic and you don't know what that is and requires of you and then you don't know what it requires of him either. AA is what he needs to get and stay sober which is really a normal natural condition of mind, mood, spirit and body and there are many people who don't need special conditions to have that. AA is a special condition...the 12 steps and traditions are very special directives for those of us who have been so negatively affected by alcohol and someone else's drinking and using or who were born and raised within the disease and who have learned and know from affect how to live that way by experience.
Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical which for many is addictive arriving at a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body...thing is that most everyone associated with the alcoholic have the/a allergy to it also and the allergy often results in insanity and/or death. If you know that you have not been so severely affected back then know that with this relationship you will start to be.
If he is truly alcoholic and you want a relationship with him I suggest you find out as much as you can about the disease and what it demands of both the drinker and the friends, family and associates of the alcoholic.
MIP is a most awesome source of how people are affected by someone else's drinking and using...just come and read what we have and are going thru because of a relationship with alcoholics and addicts. Ask questions like you have done here and listen to the questions we also ask each other...Our experiences teach others to survive this most deadly disease.
Glad you have reach the site and I hope you keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Glad you have found us. (Update: I see your bf has been in recovery about a year. That is early recovery for an alcoholic.)
One thing to realize is that being in recovery doesn't automatically mean that people are emotionally healthy. One aspect of alcoholism is that alcoholics put the blame on everyone but themselves: "I wouldn't have to drink if you..." "You drive me to drink because of your..." This is just a way of wriggling out of taking responsibility. In truth no one can make anyone else drink, and similarly no one can keep anyone else from drinking. The drinker alone is responsible for that decision. And he needs a formal program of recovery to support him - not just one fellow human being.
So when he says you're not supportive enough, I have to wonder if that means that he's trying to offload some of the responsibility onto you. Because really it's his and his alone.
But alcoholics do come with certain things about them that are part of the package. For instance, if we like spending our free time partying in bars, the wise alcoholic is going to have to say "I just can't come, I can't be around that atmosphere, it endangers my sobriety." Similarly they will have a lot of meetings to go to.
If we want to spend our evenings in bars, or want more time with the A when he wants to be in meetings, those aren't wrong things to want. It's just that the A is the wrong person to be in that relationship. It's as if you wanted someone to go mountain climbing with you, and your boyfriend was in a wheelchair. He' wouldn't be wrong for being in a wheelchair, and you wouldn't be wrong for wanting someone to go mountain climbing. It just wouldn't be the right match. You might be better friends than partners.
So I don't know if it's a case of your not wanting the whole package that is a guy in recovery, and so it's not a good fit; or whether he's trying to offload a responsibility for being "supportive" onto someone who shouldn't be burdened with that (which is anyone). You're in the best position to know.
Some Al-Anon meetings might be helpful to clarify the situation, and/or reading the threads on these boards. Take good care of yourself.
-- Edited by Mattie on Sunday 24th of January 2016 01:17:17 PM
Welcome~From my perspective Alanon could help you a lot if you plan to stay in your current relationship. My A is drinking infrequently right now, and also in denial that she has a drinking problem. She knows when she was drinking and driving, and lying and sneaking around, that she had a problem. Now she thinks she's fine. What I discovered was that I had become very unhappy, unable to trust, in essence became sick myself. Alanon has given me a way to live with excellent coping tools and a supportive community both on the board and in person. Someone suggested you go to a couple meetings and see how that feels. I know I didn't think I needed meetings because she was the one with the problem. Addiction affects everyone. I hope you will give it a try, Lyne
