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here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've posted a few times before. My AH has cirrhosis and was initially sober for over 2 years. The alcohol is back. I thought as recently as a week ago that it was an isolated incident, but it wasn't. I've been going to Al Anon since right after that happened and it has been a Godsend. I'm still new and do not yet have a sponsor. Now we are in this blizzard no one is supposed to be out on the road, and I have a raging alcoholic at his worst. Yelling, blaming, demeaning and being generally scary. What does one do in this situation?
I'm so sorry! Is there a way you can cozy up in a particular room and leave him to do his thing elsewhere in the house? Or some TV program or whatever that usually distracts him?
I think the situation may be like a blizzard - it may be just a case of hunkering down and letting it (him) blow over.
I hope he is not violent? If he is violent, I wonder if you have a neighbor you could get to. Or don't hesitate to call the police, even if there's a blizzard. They'll do what they can - don't risk your safety!
Thank you - there really isn't much choice I suppose right now. I'm new to Al Anon and it's given me more hope than I've had in a long time. It is so hard. I hate what my AH is doing to himself. I don't look for alcohol anymore and I try my best to give him to God every day. Today, I was doing a bit of cleaning and there were some clothes up on a shelf. I pulled the clothes down and a can of Sparks blackberry (alcoholic) fell on me. Fell on me! I don't know how to handle this. I'm so angry - he's put me through so much with the cirrhosis and trusting him again after 2 years of sobriety, although now I realize he never recovered - he just stopped drinking. Temporarily as it turns out. As angry as I am, I also feel my heart hurting. How do I watch him kill himself? What is in store for me? He almost died when he was first diagnosed with cirrhosis. The Drs told him if he drank alcohol he would die.
Hi Shelly - I am still fairly new to this, but wanted to let you know I can relate to your confusion and fear surrounding your A. I hope you are able to weather this storm and then take some space for yourself. All the best.
Shelly, I do understand the anger and frustration when the alcohol "falls on you!" -- literally or some other way. I am so sorry that happened to you. I also have been in that place of feeling isolated and enraged when the alcoholic won't follow doctors' instructions to abstain. As they are addicted, it is very hard for them to do so. But still, all that fear and worry and despair can "fall on you."
I agree with Mattie's suggestion, if you can find a place in the house where you feel safe and can enjoy your own activities -- read, do crafts, watch a movie, call a friend. If you can think ahead to when you can get to a face-to-face Al-Anon meeting, perhaps that will give you some hope, because that is where you will find people who understand. By reaching out, I met people who had been farther down the same road, and that gave me a view of a hopeful future --- one where I could have a fulfilling and more serene life whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Can you participate in an online or telephone Al-Anon meeting? It's great to have that option when bad weather prevents us from going out.
there is so much hope for you,if you can first detach with love..if that doesnt work..leave after much planning. I did. Im 58 yrs old with a xah whos been drinking for nearly 40 yrs. Im doing well. attend alanon and post etc It is so nice to have space in your head when you give the problem back to the alcoholic and your higher power. I wake up smiling now nearly every day
alyce
Thank you so much - It helps so much to have this board and read all of the kind words. I hadnt thought of the online or phone meeting..I will look into that. I'm still learning to detach with love, but a part of me thinks I am beyond that (the love part). I feel like that makes me a terrible person - why can't I feel sorry for him and love him? I'm hurt and so angry, which I feel makes it all about me...I want to feel some compassion - I'm definitely struggling with that.
I never could detach from my xah until I
moved and went no contact. Everyone is
different, my xah was dry so our dynamics
Over 30 years were different.
My marriage was okay for a long time then
It turned increasingly bad until it became
Toxic. It did not improve with recovery for
Both of us. He refused to try he just got
nastier.
Hi Shelly, this is a process. Working through your feelings will help you get back the compassion, but it will probably be a different kind of compassion. My compassion came back with a lot larger mix of acceptance. But it takes time. One day at a time it can be done, I know. But in the meantime, feel tor feelings and know that they are real, but they aren't necessarily the facts.
Hi Shelly,
I find detaching is the first stage...at least for me it was. The with love part comes later. I had difficulty with the with love part too. And I still struggle with it at times. especially when he's in an intoxicated state. Don't be so hard on yourself for not getting it all at once. Be proud you have started something. The on line meetings are great to utilize when you can't get out. Hang in there.
Remember that detaching with love doesn't have to mean loving from up close. Oftentimes it's easier to feel the caring when you're at a safe distance from the alcoholic. I wouldn't say that I love my ex-AH, but I feel sad for him and hope he'll find his way to a better life. However, if he were still being alcoholic in my face as he was when we were married, I wouldn't have gotten to that place - I'd be as furious and grimly disappointed as I was then. There's still some of that in my response, but it's no longer the predominant thing. Anyway, just to say that there's no necessity about how it has to look, and no timeline.
Thank you again to all. I know this is still a process. I don't see myself staying with this man - I know some people have to stay with the A due to finances or children - that is honestly the only time I understand why someone would stay with an active A long term if they had to deal with verbal abuse/drunken tirades, etc. We have only been married 4 years, and we have no children together (I do have a 19 year old son from previous 13 yr. marriage to nonA). He has not worked or contributed financially so I support him fully -- to sum that all up -- No reason to stay except for one - a big one - he does have cirrhosis/end stage liver disease. I have to wrap my head and heart around how to let him die -- no one in his family speaks to him and he won't be here for long considering he only has 27% use of his liver and he has started drinking again. I don't want him to die all alone in the world. He really is a sweet soul deep down and he has nobody. That's a lot to think about though -- and much more than I'm doing one day at a time. I guess all of this is. Everynight I pray that God will take him in the palm of his hand and love him the way I cannot do right now. That's the best I have at present...for the blizzard - the alcohol, wherever it was, is obviously gone and he can't get out for more,..so all quiet on the Western Front..
-- Edited by ShellyM on Sunday 24th of January 2016 07:08:26 PM
-- Edited by ShellyM on Sunday 24th of January 2016 07:11:10 PM
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Shelly it is good to have you here...our program (Al-Anon) works when we work it and it also introduces us to a power greater than ourselves which we can honestly rely on all the time...good and bad. Compassion for you alcoholic who has an "end stage" liver condition and who knows that if he continues to drink it will kill him. Alcoholics know fear more intimately than anyone else I think and they know they have "a compulsion to drink with an allergy of the body". Scary ...his mind tells him he must drink or go crazy and his body tells him when you drink I die.
You also know that insanity even while you don't drink alcoholically because that is what the disease does...it affects everyone who comes into contact with it...that is my experience too.
One of the tools that helps me often is the literature of Al-Anon and if you have some use it often...daily and if you don't get some so that you will not be left with the alcoholic only and the program of ours which has helped soooo many of us stay serene and sane whether the alcoholic continues to drink or not. Give him a gentle God hug and don't stay in the way cause God's gotta touch him also.
I completely understand how frustrating, frightening and anger making your husband's choices must feel to you. Just sending you warm (((((blizzard blitzing hugs))))) and a polite request that you be kind and gentle with yourself, please gift yourself compassion as well!
