The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been 4 days since my abf has come home from work. He is exhausted and sleeps. Get up and goes back to sleep, get up and goes back to sleep. He has no motivation to do anything. I sit on the couch with him but I sense a distance between us. I do not say anything to him due to fear he will flip out. I ask him lets get out of house for a bit and he says later. Even his tone of voice triggers me. I can not stand the deep sadness when he talks. Its so sad but I know I can do nothing for him. I know he wants to drink and just escape the depression he feels. I wish he would. When he is sober, he is withdrawn and so quite and moody. When he is drinking he is talkative, laughing and having a great time. He will talk non stop when he is drinking and dances and listens to music and is life of the party. When he is sober, he is withdrawn, unmotivated, tired, sleeps, depressed, angry, moody. I feel I have to walk on egg shells around him when he is sober as he may loose it it in anger at me. I do not say anything that may trigger an explosion. I just keep conversation to the point. Its a real sad way to be and a I am sad because I am sick myself and can not get out of house. I am scheduled for surgery. I am trying to detach but its so hard. I feel I deserve much better than this s***. I feel angry toward him and feel resentment toward him big time. I am resentful because he is so shut down. I am resentful because he is so withdrawn. I am resentful at myself for being sick and not being able to leave the house. I am resentful that I have to be in this sick unfeeling relationship with someone who cares nothing of me. I am angry, angry, as I do not want to be around him and I have to share a fucking house with him. I wish he were gone. When he is gone, I feel happy and now I have to have him mopping around the house. I HATE him. I can not stand him, even sitting next to him I get mad. I get mad just even looking at him as he is just doing nothing but feeling sorry for himself and there is nothing I can do. I need to get out of the house but I am sick...that too is making me mad. I am angry and fed up with this situation. I have been sick for a year now and it has limited what I can do and then I get this ass mopping around and feeling sorry for himself hovering around the house. I want to run away so bad...just leave and not come back here to this fucking house with him. I am so fed up with trying and trying to hang in there with my sickness and his as well. I am done and angry right now. I have to vent this feeling out before I explode on him and call him every dirty name I can come up with. I hate this situation I am in. I feel trapped and so fucking miserable right now. I see him mopping around and I want to flip out in rage. What is triggering me? What is causing me to feel this intense rage toward him? I hate him and want to be gone from him so bad...I look at him and I feel disgusted. What am I doing with someone like this? Do I not deserve better? Do I not deserve a good man that will love me instead of treat me like I am a dish rag...used and thrown aside. I hurt and am lonely and so angry. I wish he would f***g leave and not come back. Maybe I need to do that. I just can not even look at him. He makes me so angry. I was not able to get to an al-anon meeting last night as I was too sick. I am still very sick today and that makes me angry as well. I feel so alone. He wants to do nothing but sleep and sleep, eat and sleep. I want to get out and do something not sick in house all day and night again and again. I am fed up! I had to vent this before I explode!
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 23rd of January 2016 06:43:55 PM
I am so sorry. It sounds incredibly frustrating. I know that feeling of being trapped and it is horrible.
My guess is that your system is telling you, "This is intolerable. You should not put up with this! This is not right and it needs to be made right."
I wonder if working out an exit plan would be helpful. I know that you have bad health problems and are facing surgery. So obviously that complicates things. But even working out a longterm plan might be helpful. Like "After the surgery I will... And I will look into government assistance, and I will call the domestic violence shelter ... and I will figure out how to get my own place ... and..." (Or whatever parts are appropriate to you.)
The sense that nothing is ever going to change is crazy-making. It sounds to me as if you urgently need things to change. But they rarely change of their own accord. I hope, even in your current difficulties, you can find ways to start making them change. Hugs!
I am so sorry, too. I had to hit bottom with what I would take and what I wouldn't. The journey is still very hard and it hurts. The memories of the special days of snow and movies, etc. hurt. The first three steps of AlAnon are crucial. I am sad today being snowed in and responsible for 4 dogs and 7 horses in this bitter cold, but the alternative of being with a crazy drunk is Very comforting. I had to hit my bottom in being in a situation that was killing me, and it's hard to pull up hand over hand. Only my faith in God enables me to do it every day. I have a choice whereas I didn't. I am so grateful to be away from my AH. Divorce mediation in two weeks with a liar, drunk and cheat is not something I look forward to, but I am provided with help when I need it out of the blue. I believe and trust that God is right there to help me in every situation. We can end this abuse, but we have to start somewhere. I did it with God's help and I know you can, too. Hug.
Joker - when I read your post, I still see a ton of your energy focused on him, his wellness, his depression, his disposition, etc. If you want to get out of the house, just get up and go. Invite him or not. Take your energy and thinking and turn it towards you. Starting to practice 'this' type of thinking and processing is the first step of choosing recovery over him, the relationship, etc. You are not stuck in the same home with him, you are able to do what you want/need to do....even if it's just a walk around the block.
For me, I was told to do as much 100% opposite as I could just to break the patterns and cycles I had grown to depend on. If I wanted true happiness, I needed to seek it out no matter what anyone else was doing or not doing.
Hold onto what you want/need and not what he wants/needs/is doing. This is the game changer for serenity and recovery.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great shares, stillhangingon i can so relate
And agree. I was on bottom i had to crawl
Up and out. It took me a long time in alanon
to find my soul again and believe my hp Was
out there willing to help me.
After writing this, I got mad at myself and got into my vehicle and went to the pool and sat in hot tub and sweat and had a swim. It took my pent up energy and worked it out. It felt good an I was happier when I got home, and he was still sleeping but I felt great!
It's all about progress, not perfection. I use music & aroma therapy as quick fixes for mood changes. Little by Little we travel far and as long as we are learning we are progressing. I see you are learning that self-care..is NOT a selfish act. Good For you. I have also learned that there is no need in me letting another person's actions (or inaction) spoil my day. I am learning to act rather than react and when I got busy LIVING..the letting others live..just sorta took care of itself. Remember YANA, and together we can do (let go and move onward and upward) what we could not do alone.
__________________
IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
You have to do more of that swimming and sitting in a hot tub, because it made you feel good.
I was married and in a relationship with the Alcoholic 30 years and lived 25 of those years married and in the same home.
Also 25 years of Alanon..always with the hope of him stopping his drinking. Once in awhile he would but for the most part, he kept on drinking up until his death 2 and a half years ago. We were divorced for three years when he died. I say this not to scare anyone but to show you how fatal this addiction can be. Yes, sometimes their bottom is death.
My thinking and my conclusion, if you love them, let them go. You cannot have expectations with an active drinker, but you can have boundaries for yourself and one of those boundaries is self care. I chose to stick it out for those 25 years, but with Alanon, found out that detachment for me was living my life on my terms. If he was too drunk to go with me, I still would go. I went to many places by myself, movies, bookstore. Developed a support system with my woman friends. I made a life for myself. I had my doubts whether we could last in marriage, but the leaving or staying would be on my terms and my boundaries. For there is no rules on marriage when you are married to an alcoholic. I lived as creatively as I could. I would be the victim no more. The thing is, we have to do these things for ourself whether married to an alcoholic or not. Love is not love if we are dependent and obsessed with the partner. And alcoholism made me obsessed...but it was thru this practice of Alanon , that I was able to say I'm finished, when the alcoholic told me that he had an affair and out of that, twins were born. He had finally pushed that envelope too far.
What I'm saying ,thru the program of Alanon you can find solutions for you, I hope you start focusing on You . The alcoholic is going to do what he is going to do . Step one, We are powerless over them. But we are not powerless over ourselves.
Work it, because it works if we work it. I know you know that Alanon is not for the Alcoholic and there is no guarantee that they will stop drinking, Because it is a life process for them and US. Start living for you.
Hugs,
Bettina
