The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello - I just found this forum on Monday and have tried to implement some of the ideas to remove the crazy and try to find peace. I'm struggling with intimacy and have been for the last 7 years but the hardest times have occurred over the last year. I can't seem to move past the thoughts in my head.
I can't stop feeling that I have caused my husband to continue his drinking at the expense of his health and ultimately his eventual death (has been told by multiple medical doctors that he will kill himself if he doesn't stop drinking). He has always drank but I was unfaithful in our marriage and this came out 7 years ago. We are about to have our 20 year anniversary so have managed to stay together.
I don't want to be intimate with him as he has been so verbally abusive over the years that I no longer like him but still love him. It scares me to put myself out there again for him and I'm not sure why. He says if I would be intimate with him and would go back to the way it was when first married, he would be able to get over the alcoholism. It's like he expects me to cure him by having sex with him and that really scares me.
I'm not sure what to do. When he is verbally abusive I have a hard time ever wanting to have sex again. I'm at a loss. We haven't had sex or been real intimate for close to 6 months now. I'm at the point where I think maybe I should just end the marriage, however, my Alanon home group friends have said not to make any major decisions for 6 to 12 months.
Any thoughts from this forum would be greatly appreciated!
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It is my responsibility alone to make the right choices. I will make the right choices today.
NeedPeace - hello and welcome to MIP! So glad you found us and glad you found the courage to share.
Alcoholism is a chronic disease that affects all aspects of the person and those around them. It pulls at the mind, body, heart and spirit and doesn't ever truly rest. There is no cure - recovery helps with effort, one day at a time. AA is for the drinker and Al-Anon is for the the family and friends affected by the drinker/disease.
One of the first concepts I learned in Al-Anon is the three 3cs. They are - I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it and I can't Control it. Nothing you have done or said has caused the disease to be, exist, grow and expand. Recovery is a personal journey and we learn in Al-Anon how to keep the focus on ourselves, how to set boundaries and how to detach with love.
You are not alone with regards to your feelings about intimacy, the disease, your AH (Alcoholic Husband), etc. If the abuse continues, please take measures necessary to protect yourself. The best that you can do for you is to find a local Al-Anon meeting and attend. It is in Al-Anon that I found others who 'got it' and understood all that I was feeling and all that I was living with.
Please chose you and keep coming back here. We are all just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Need Peace You are not alone. Glad you are attending alanon and listening to the suggestions. Keep coming back and practicing the program. Eventually, by examining my motives and working the Steps, I was able to let go of much of my anger, resentments, self pity and fear generated by the disease and reconnect with my husband. It tool time and effort but we both decided it was worth it . Keep coming back
Keep going to your ftf meetings they will get
you Strong and you can figure out your options.
It all takes time to get there, i just sat, listened
And Cried for a long time.
My marriage had gotten toxic and he was
unwilling to work on us even with Us both
in recovery.
The abuse is about him and his issues. You
can Not change him only yourself and your
Behaviors,
Focus on yourself and your recovery, i found
The help i needed by attending meetings and
Just absorbing the wisdom, doing the readings,
Eventually i began to change and grow on the
Inside.
Steps 1, 2 and 3 are the cornerstone to recovery,
They take awhile to truly get or they did me. Self
Love, self acceptance, losing your self will, letting a
Power greater than yourself guide you on this new
Journey.
Thank you for the responses. I sit here next to my husband tonight sleeping as usual after a very verbal hateful exchange. I know I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it but I want to so much! I love him but don't like him. I guess I continue to live in limbo. I actually looked at him tonight with his red tired eyes and wondered how much longer will he be here and why doesn't he see how much there is to live for. The serenity prayer is with me tonight.
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It is my responsibility alone to make the right choices. I will make the right choices today.
Needpeace, it takes more than love to make a relationship work, especially marriages. Respect, trust, reliability, accountability, kindness, gratitude, honesty, and just knowing that your partner is your cheerleader and in your corner are foundational elements of what keeps a relationship healthy.
When my marriage was in the toilet due to my XAH's drinking and emotionally abusive behavior, I lost ALL desire for sex or even a hug from him. I literally physically could not mentally go there. It was psychological by that point because of all the hurt and resentment, anger and pain we had between us. We went 3 years without having sex. I think I secretly hoped he would divorce me and make my decision to end the marriage easier. I swore off sex, men, cuddling, getting a hug from a partner, etc for the rest of my life. I swore I would be single forever after the divorce........blah blah blah.....see below.
I dipped my toe in the dating ring last spring and met a man who I am still with today. All the animosity I had about sex and men and intimacy melted away because I felt safe with him. There were no past negative experiences to bring up resentments and anger and mistrust. I still feel that way today about him. He is not perfect, nor am I, and we have had relationship road blocks at times but I have been able to use what I've learned in recovery and the rooms of Al Anon to help me in this new relationship. All those things I wrote in my first paragraph I have in this new relationship. Those are my non-negotiables.
I used Al Anon and my sponsor and friends to help me come up with a list of what I wanted in a relationship. I looked at my marriage and took the beer goggles off and had to decide if my needs were getting met. If the marriage was even worth saving even if he did quit drinking. It wasn't. He wasn't going to change, and I had changed through growth in program, through counseling and therapy to work past my abandonment issues, etc. Through working program I had to learn what it was that I wanted out of a relationship. I had to learn what my part was and what I was responsible for and I had to really understand that we both contributed to the downfall of the marriage.
Today, I don't feel like I wasted 20 years of my life in that marriage. There were obviously tons of learning experiences and opportunities for growth. I have been able to put my past together with my program and come out the other side of a divorce and finally be able to feel like I KNOW what I want and I am not willing to settle for.
and, for what it's worth, I lived in limbo for 10 years, the last 3 being the worst. I sat on the fence for so long and I did the things you did and told myself the things you tell yourself today. You are not alone. It's ok to not make a decision today or tomorrow or next week, etc. Just keep working on YOU and figure out what you want your life to look like someday. Be honest with yourself but also be gentle with yourself. Hugs to you today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Glad you joined us and hope you choose to kept attending in person Alanon meetings for continued support and understanding. Working the steps of the Alanon program and finding a loving sponsor in the program can help with finding more clarity about what you're feeling. The Alanon program suggests taking everything one day at a time. It is suggested that we don't make life changing decisions in early recovery because attending meetings, working the program and a relationship with a higher power - god of our own understanding can shed new light on our life situation.
The program is not designed to either save marriages or sever them. It's aimed at making decisions based on sane rational thinking rather than in reaction to alcoholism. With time in the program, hearing the shares of other Alanons and faith in a higher power, I've felt less alone and felt more serenity.
I hope you'll keep coming back for recovery with us. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I really needed to read this tonight. Thank you all for sharing.
I am also at a point in my marriage where I no longer want intimacy or much physical affection. My husband isn't the partner I truly want and though it is sad- I do have deep affection for him on some level I've always known he wasn't fully capable of being the husband I really want- I wanted to fix him. I don't feel as if this time has been wasted. I have learned so much about relationships and about myself and I know whether we stay together or not, my recovery will be valuable to me and I can, with the help and wisdom of my al-anon family, come out of this all as a more authentic and fulfilled version of myself.
Powerful discussion to which i add. .You are NOT alone as you are learning. Many of us simply know where you are. .There is no easy answer, perfect solution or miracle cure. . You will do what you need in time and only you will know what and when. Thoughts to you.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I understand those feelings that you are having and in my case I came to believe that they were healthy and perfectly natural - why would I want to have sex with someone who was abusive and scared me? Learning to express my boundaries in this regard took me a long time, but when I started wanting to protect my self esteem and to honour the type of behaviour that I found attractive it helped me to express myself better in a none blaming way.
