The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had an ah moment yesterday. I was talking to my AFB on the phone and the conversation was happy and full of laughter. It was positive until I mentioned my daughter and her struggles. My daughter has mental health issues and lives with me and is really having a hard time with isolation, lack of motivation. I made the mistake of talking to my ABF about my concerns with her mental state and behaviors. Well, he went on a rant about how she needs to get a job and get a life and that she is 21 years old. He was angry and the conversation did not end well. I was like what happened? I see that its non of his business about my daughter mental health issues and what needs to be done about it, and I opened my big mouth disclosing my concerns to him. I should have not mentioned it at all and kept my concerns about her to myself. He does not need to know anything. We all live together and she pays her portion of her rent and that is all he needs to care about. The rest is not his business. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut. I have this belief that we are family since we all live together in a house and that we should support one anther, but I see that its not like that. He will never be a support to me or my daughter and I need to get that through my thick mind. I need to find an alternative support system to discuss my daughter mental health, as he gets angry when I mention it. I see that I have to keep my mouth shut and not say anything to him about what I feel and what I believe. It is all about him and his needs, he has no care or concern for anyone but himself. He is very selfish and sick. I am angry that I can not discuss anything with him that is important to me or concerns me as he flips out. its all about him, he is happy and full of himself, but the moment I discuss anything that is about me he gets mad. I am angry that I am in this situation that is so one sided and I am fed up. I am so fed up that I have decided that I will not discuss anything with him but the weather and keep conversation very artificial. He is not capable of any deep discussions and I keep setting myself up to be disappointed and hurt. I am angry at myself for reaching out and getting slapped. I do not deserve this treatment. I have had enough. I will have to make changes in how I talk with him. I will not bring up anything that requires emotions, solving of problems, support. I see that I am just as sick as he is and I will start keeping very vigilant about what I say to him. I have a sense that this relationship will not last and today, I am ok with that. I do not need him. I just had to get this off my mind and heart!
Going to an alcoholic for support has been compared with going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.
As family and friends we give a lot. All anon has taught me that I matter too and that it . Is my responsibility to explore how best to get my needs, met. I too was so upset , hurt and a grey that the man I loved could not emotionally support me.
But today I know it's not personal he couldn't support himself because of his sick mental health issues due to alcoholism. So I joined all anon and the biggest gift I have received is loving support.
I have a loving higher power
I have so many numbers in my phone of people who love to listen to me.
It sounds like you've got some really good insight into what's happening in your home and your relationships. For me having my eyes open is the beginning of real change and serenity. Thank you for sharing, this was a good reminder for me today. Hugs.
Sounds like some good awareness on your part. I think you're right: in a healthy relationship, you would be able to discuss your concerns with him and get support in return. Maybe the next question to consider is: why are you settling for a relationship in which you can't do that? Food for thought perhaps.
Thanks for this share. I have noticed a similar pattern in my own life and this is helpful to read. I wish you more clarity and insight as you continue to learn from this situation at hand, you have already helped me gain some.
I too have gone to the hardware store for bread.
My husband is on the surface very supportive, until what I want or need is uncomfortable for him. He reacts with fear and seeks to undermine my thinking consciously or unconsciously I no longer think it matters - I feel manipulated by his fear and his disease. He questions my thinking and has a thousand reasons why I am wrong or why I cannot do the thing I want to do. Sometimes he is also angry, or judgmental if I carry on without his approval.
I remember a time he was being very controlling and got mad at me for calling a nurse advice line about a cut on my hand. He was mad I hadn't taken his "medical" advice to just ignore the cut and ignore my loss of sensation in my finger because he had had much worse before and "got through it fine." It was insanity (his), and though I did stand firm and see my doctor I also stayed with him and made excuses for his behavior, it was insanity (mine). Looking back it was ridiculous, but that's how sick I was.
As I have started to advocate more strongly for what I want and need he has responded with continued comments about how we are drifting apart. I'm no longer falling in line behind him so the comfortable relationship where I was bending to his needs and his desires is no longer there as a resource to him, he is losing that closeness and feeling left behind as I seek out a healthy future. I see him growing more and more uneasy as I move towards my own recovery, and express more of my honest thoughts and feelings and act without seeking his approval, or support.
I am trying hard to work on my step one journal-reflection and learn some skills to respond to his disease and growing frustrations as things change in our relationship. I keep reminding myself this uncertainty and discomfort are good and what I need to move through my recovery, keeping the focus on me. Part of me also is holding onto the idea that this is what is healthy for him too, to feel the full consequences of his actions and experience the loss of support and intimacy his drinking has caused in our relationship. I still, in part of my heart, want to rescue and fix and control my way towards a healthy life together but I also am learning how that won't work, and learning to resist that thinking. Knowing this is what is best for him too helps me stick with my program through all of the uncomfortable feelings it has brought up in both of us.
