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This is brand new to me, and I am very sorry that this is so long.
. I am not sure if there is a place for me. I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict. Neither is my wife. But my wife's brother (age 40s) is an alcoholic and drug addict. . His job (trucker) takes him away frequently, which gives him opportunity to hide his drinking, though we can usually tell if we happened to talk to him on the phone. He has no home and no car - sleeps in his truck. I can deal with my brother in law. I can set limits, etc. But my wife grew up with him. She and her sister have been through hell with him. They have developed some dysfunctional ways of dealing with him. It drives me crazy, and sometimes I don't think I can deal with it. A friend of mine, who is a recovering alcoholic, has told me that my wife need to go to al anon. But what about me? How do I learn to deal with my codependent wife who enables him? It's like a trickle down effect. I feel that I am getting "sick" too.
What follows gives you an idea of what we have gone through. I know many of you have gone through much worse. I am a physician, so I've been exposed to many folks with substance abuse and alcoholism. But I have a lot to learn. But what is really tough is dealing with a spouse who seems more interested in not upsetting her brother than she is in our relationship.
This is her brother in a nutshell.
- Dishonorably discharged from the military at age 20, due to his drinking.
- Married twice with 3 kids, divorced twice because of his drinking.
- Multiple drunk calls to family, including his kids.
- 3 hospitalizations in 2 years for "infections". He could never be specific with where the infections were.
- Several charges of disorderly conduct and trespassing, mostly dismissed because his exes didn't want to press charges.
- Multiple episodes of drunk driving and accidents for which he was only caught and charged once. In one such episode he was living with his mother. He got drunk with his high school friend and wrecked his car. He called to have the car towed to the house, and then called his mother and asked her to take a bag of baking powder from his sock drawer and flush it down the toilet. I guess he worried the police would find out that he'd been drinking and driving and search his house or something. At any rate, she did it. I only found out about this several days later. She said she just figured it was baking powder. I guess enabling behavior doesn't fall far from the tree.
At any rate, he would hide his drinking and claim to be sober. From time to time my wife and his other sibling would confront him, and he would become contrite and promise never to do it again. Over the years there have been plenty of clues that alcohol was not the only problem. I can expand on this if needed.
- 6 weeks ago he called us from a town 4 hours away with fevers and breathing difficulty. He didn't want to go to a hospital there. We went and brought him back to the town where we live. Along the way I convinced him to let us take him to a hospital. His diagnosis was right sided endocarditis - a heart infection that is commonly seen in IV drug abusers. He was admitted for 1 week and treated. Many different specialists, etc. During the admission he admitted to the drug abuse - mostly IV cocaine. he spent another week on the rehab unit. He admitted to a lot of things. I can expand on this if needed. The day prior to his discharge we had a "family meeting" during which we discussed a lot of issues. He had no place to go and was on short term disability for "endocarditis" (I doubt his company knows about the drinking and drugs), so we agreed to let him stay at our house (with guidelines) while he looked into some longer term rehab options. We live in the suburbs and he had no car. He seemed genuinely committed to becoming clean and sober. The heart infection, we thought, was a wake up call.
What I am about to share next may blow your mind. How could we have been so naive?
After discharge he moved in with us. Over a 3 week period we carted him to doctor appointments, AA meetings, etc. When he wasn't going to appointments and meetings he was quoting from his AA book or calling rehab places (we assumed). We both work full time, so the logistics of getting him to those places were very difficult. Even so, we stayed positive because he was doing "the work".
On a Thursday night, when I returned home from work he asked me to take him to a place that offers both inpatient and out patient rehab for an intake interview to see if out patient rehab was appropriate for him. I took him, but thought it a bit strange to have an intake interview at 7:30 PM. We got there and I went in with him. The lady at the front desk told him that they do intakes for new clients only on Monday through Fridays between 9 AM and 5 PM. She said, "I don't know who told you that, but they were wrong". We hopped in the car and his phone rang. It was "Mark", his sponsor. The thing is he had told us in the hospital that his sponsor died 6 months earlier, and in fact this was one reason he give for "relapsing". He was on the phone for a few minutes, and there were no "red flags". He said his sponsor was close by and asked if I minded if he saw him. I asked for a few details and then agreed to stop at a fast food place for the meeting. We were there for about 20 minutes and the guy hadn't shown up, so he called him and told me he had been delayed and that I offered to bring him home if I needed to leave. This was at 10:30 PM. I get up at 3:45 AM. I left him there. I can't believe it, but I left him there. "Mark" apparently dropped him off in the wee hours of the night. I checked when I got up the next morning and he was in his room. Over that weekend he used. Multiple times. We were gone much of the time - work on Friday, time with our grandson Saturday; church on Sunday. Some time late Sunday afternoon, he came out of his room, where he was playing his video games, and was clutching his chest. He said he couldn't breath and was having chest pain. On the way to the ER he started crying and confessed that he had used "all weekend", and that Mark was not his sponsor, but rather his dealer. He brought drugs into my house and used them there. To make matters worse, 2 of his sons (from wife #2) came over Saturday evening and spent the night. We brought them to church with us and then dropped them off at their mother's house. He used with his own kids in the house. Our house.
Back to the hospital for 2 days, then another 4 days in rehab. Another family meeting. More tears and apologies. I I proposed the idea of an intervention, or at least some hard lines that my wife, her sister and mother could agree on. No one wanted to meet, and the family wagons began to circle. Who was I to demand that they punish their brother this way? After all, he has a disease. He's doing the best he can.
So he moves in with us. I wrote out some rules and had him sign it. I asked him to to a few chores (dishes, clean his bathroom) during the day, when he doesn't have a meeting or a doctor appointment. Often he didn't do it. He stayed in the basement playing video games. My wife gets home about 1 hour before I do. She wouldn't say anything to him. When I got home I would ask him to do it. Sometimes he would get up and do it, sometimes he said he was too sick or too "busy". Once I found several chewing tobacco clumps at the back of the driveway (he chews) I told him to please spit his chew into a paper napkin or something. My wife said that after all he's been through chewing tobacco is all he has. And on, and on it goes.
About 1 week later I got up at my usual time (3:45 AM) and he was up, dressed and standing by the front door. He said he was suicidal and had called an ambulance. He kept saying he was so sorry. Sorry for everything. He said "I'm just a piece of shit", "I can't do right", "I'm just so sorry". 2 minutes later to police officers come up to the house and he went out to the squad car to talk with them until the ambulance arrived. The ambulance came and went. The police officers came in and told me that he was suicidal because he had been taking cocaine and heroine over the previous 2-3 days and had given himself an overdose. He was having chest pain a palpitations. My wife got up just prior to him leaving due to the commotion. I told her what the police said. I told her that this was yet another betrayal. Another lie. She said maybe he told them that because he thought he needed to say that to get admitted to the hospital. I said that makes no sense. She said she would call him later to get "his side of the story". About 30 minutes later he texted me apologizing for betraying us. I assumed this meant that he would be amenable to confessing his indiscretion. Probably 20 minutes later the ER doctor called me to let me know that he was being admitted for a cocaine and heroine over dose, confirmed by a urine blood test. He has severe tachycardia (fast heart rate) and chest pain, but probably wasn't having a heart attack. Of note, at his previous admission he gave my wife and I full permission to talk to the medical staff. The ER doctor, whom I know (I am on staff at the hospital) called me reflexively. I called my wife, and she seemed to accept the fact that he had used drugs. At some point he withdrew the consent to let the staff discuss his case with my wife and I. My guess is that he just figured out that he could "hide" it from us by withdrawing the consent. My wife called him sometime later, and then she called me to say that he told her that he said he was having a panic attack and a nervous breakdown. She said that she asked him if he had used cocaine and heroine. He apparently became indignant. He denied that he told the police this story, and said that I had put so much pressure on him by being so demanding and "watching my every move", that it had driven him to have a nervous breakdown. She called me to tell me that he denied it. I asked her how she could possibly believe that. The police, who had no reason to make it up, and the ER doctor who evaluated him and reviewed his blood work said he ODd on cocaine and heroine. I told her that he could no longer come to our house. She was very resistant to this. She visited him over her lunch hour (she works close to the hospital) and he apparently cried and carried on insisting that he was telling the truth.
She now says that she can't judge him because she doesn't know "100%" that he used drugs. That night she called him. I was in another room but what I heard she was apologizing if there was anything she did that "stressed you out". Since this happened 5 days ago she can't talk about it without getting very defensive. and angry at me. She even said , "well you just think my whole family is a bunch of crazies". I've been just sick over this. Please give me some advice.
Welcome jointdoc - glad you found us and glad you shared. I saw you last night for a bit at the online meeting too. I believe you are in the right place as Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics/substance abusers. So, you qualify as much as your wife, and I 'see' from your writings that you and your spouse are in different places with regards to the qualifer...
It happens, and you are not alone in this. If possible, I'd suggest you both go to a local meeting to get a feel for the program, and attend a few meetings before you assess if it's what might help or not. Alcoholism/Addiction is progressive and never cured, but can be arrested through recovery. For a variety of reasons only know to your brother-in-law, he's not yet hit his bottom. It may be because of enabling, it may be because of his disease's progress, who knows - but until he's ready to choose recovery, this/these cycles will continue.
You story sounds similar to mine with my son(s) - yes....2 of them. The older one got more enabling, coddling, chances to move in than the 2nd born as I got wiser as time went on. What has been true in my world is if/when I intervene between them and the natural consequences, I interrupt their bottom, and thereby postpone their chance of recovery.
We (those who try to help, support, love) an alcoholic/addict can get just as sick as them, just in a different way. What they are doing or not doing consumes our thoughts, days, plans, etc. It becomes very hard to retract and dis-engage, but it is possible with support and fellowship. No amount of love, help, etc. will help one who needs recovery - it has to be an inside job to start.
So, I truly encourage you to both seek out local meetings to understand more about the disease, the progression and the best ways for you to move forward.
Glad you are here and so sorry for your pain. Keep coming back and know that you and your wife are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Jointdoc, I am so sorry your family is going through this. I just want to second that this is a great forum for any family members affected by someone's drinking, as are Al-Anon meetings -- face to face if you can get to them, and online or telephone meetings as well. If the children are old enough, you might find local Alateen groups for them.
One of the things said in Al-Anon is that "changed attitudes can aid (our) recovery." It did take a while of reading literature and attending meetings and working with a sponsor for my attitudes to really change, but I have made progress and feel so much better. I can only change my own thinking and behavior, but those changes have been life-saving for me.
Welcome Jointdoc I can readily identify with the difficulties that you have endured. Alanon is a recovery program for families of addicted persons-- You qualify. I agree with all the other responses that you received and just wanted to welcome you.
There is hope
When I wrote that long story I had no idea what kind of response I'd get. Thanks so much for the support. I needed to get it down on paper. And that wasn't nearly all of it. The problem will be to get her to a meeting. I'll talk to her soon and let you know. By the way, I don't know all the abbreviations. I gather AH is alcoholic husband. What is F2F?
I am new to this forum too, but I have found tremendous support and shared experience here already. Welcome.
It's amazing how blind we can be to the games played by the As in our lives. Our son likewise took gross advantage of us, and of the rehab system. We finally told him he could not return to our home when he left the most recent stint in rehab. We were (and still are) absolutely powerless in the face of his alcoholism, and finally admitting that and making him assume responsibility for the consequences of his behavior has changed our lives for the better. Even though I am still worried about him and scared for him, at least my husband and I can feel secure in our home once again.
One thing I have learned here, and from bitter experience: you have no control over other people, not your brother-in-law, not your wife, not anyone. You can only control your own behavior. I hope that you are able to find a face-to-face meeting that works for you, and that you keep coming back here.
One thing to know is that unless they are actively working a program of recovery, addicts will use. That's what makes them addicts. Initially I was shocked that my addict used his substance (alcohol and some drugs) in situations X, Y and Z. Then I learned that that is what they do. They will do it in your house, in your car, in your yard, in the kids' daycare, it doesn't matter, they will do it.
They will also lie. Deception is part of the disease. As the saying is, "How do you know when an addict is lying? His lips are moving." Expecting them to do otherwise is just to set ourselves up for disappointment. Of course they shouldn't lie. But they will.
Two more important things about addicts. One is that we cannot control them. (The Three C's are: you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it.) Only they can make the decision to enter recovery, and on their own timeline, and no amount of persuasion will make a difference. So we can free ourselves from the responsibility of "If only I said this right, or did this right, he'd start recovery." And to be horribly honest, many of them do not ever start recovery. Many who do, relapse. This means that we can't put life and sanity on hold waiting for them to start or to get clean.
The second thing is that we cannot control anyone. We can only change our own actions. This means that you cannot control your wife either. She may continue to make unwise choices about her brother. It is a challenge when it's a family member. Well, frankly, it's a challenge when it's anyone. But she may not be ready for her own recovery - and you cannot make your own serenity dependent on her choices or state of mind. You say "Now I just have to get her to a meeting." That's just what we'd say about an addict, isn't it? Al-Anon teaches us that we are healthiest when we stay inside our own sphere - our own hula hoop or on our own side of the street - and get out of others' journeys. Not to say that you can't set boundaries, but they are boundaries about what you will do and how you will respond, rather than instructions she has to follow.
The chaos of addiction drags everyone around into the insanity. Typically we become overfocused on the other person - on the brother and on your wife. Al-Anon is about regaining our health and serenity by putting the focus back on ourselves - the only person we can control.
Take good care of yourself, and I hope you'll keep coming back.
First time posting as well... Took me eight years (probably longer if I really thought about it) before going to an al anon meeting. I've been going to one meeting a week for about three months now. Today was very difficult and is weighing heavy. My spouse has a physical "shakiness" now every morning that I never noticed until recently. Today when I asked, the response acknowledged "probably alcohol." This worries me, scares me, ticks me off, and makes me upset with myself for not having more compassion... At a loss right now.
Posting here because I don't know where to look for the right board. Thanks for starting a thread that was a bit like opening the door...
Welcome Jointdoc and TakingCare you are in the right place at the right time with the right people...everyone on this board has been at one time or another or is presently under the influence of someone else's addiction to alcohol and/or drugs. I was born and raised with in the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction 70 odd years ago. I am affected "naturally" and am both a member of AA and Al-Anon...what we often refer to as a double winner. "Winner" isn't a category I imagine you feel your self in right now however please take the feedback here seriously because we know what it is you are going thru now. Doc the insanity you speak of and are going thru presently is the insanity we speak of in the disease which we know of as being cunning, powerful and baffling, which can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence which might seem so far remote at this time for the son, parents and family. I've never experienced the crazies that I have in this disease anywhere else over the long life I have had and had to participate in recovery in order to get and remain in sanity over any daily period of time. We learn to live within a 24 hour period of time because that is manageable.
What helps those affected by someone else's drinking and using is learning about the disease and what it is (Compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body) and what the outcomes are if a program of recovery is worked (sobriety) or not (insanity and/or death). The recovery of alcoholics and addicts is truly a joyous miracle to watch and be a part of and I have been lovingly allowed to participate in my own and the event of thousand of others. The programs of Al-Anon and AA and NA; 12 step and 12 tradition recovery social model programs are most powerful and for me I have chosen on a daily basis to continue my practice of them over the past 37 years...one day at a time regardless of the drinking and using still going on in the family.
MIP is populated by the fellowship from those programs and you can read the successes here and listen to the examples of how we attained this sanity, serenity and sobriety.
Please keep coming back often and participating in your own recovery from this incurable disease...that's right it can never be cured, only arrested by total abstinence by the drinker/user...and their family. (((((Hugs)))))
It strikes me that the "trickledown effect" can work both ways. I know that since I found al-anon and learned tools to deal with the insanity of living with/ loving addicts, others have noticed the difference and ask me about al-anon and sometimes I even hear them repeat little slogans or tools I've shared with them. It's catching, especially when you see it working well for someone and that person becomes happier in front of your eyes....
So I would say the best thing you can do is work the program for yourself, and see if your wife doesn't start to take an interest in it all by herself after a while!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Welcome to MIP takingcare - glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share. So sorry for what brings you to us, but glad to see you are attending Al-Anon meetings locally. Keep the focus on you as best as you can and know that you are not alone.
I do agree with MissMel - there is a 'trickle up effect' too. I smile inside when I hear or see the program tools being used around me by those who are 'getting it' by osmosis....It would be nice if they jumped in, and they still may - while there is breath, there is hope!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My journey begins with an inherent need to care for others and see them become well. In fact, I too made a career out of that. I worked the ER at UCLA for years and therefore thought I'd "seen it all". The other side of the bedside however was a total shock and complete disaster for me. I kept attempting to apply my experience in healthcare to my spouse. I couldn't believe it was happening to me. I couldn't believe my interventions and plan of care would not bring us to the other side of the nightmare. And yet I learned quickly that I was enabling him... not helping or saving or securing placement etc. Just prolonging the problem.
My hope is that you simply keep focused on going to several meetings - listening, taking it in. Your wife will follow your lead in time, she will. Take it easy, keep going to meetings and find the boundaries that you need to ensure that the chaos that drug addiction brings into your home is one you mediate as best you can. Letting our loved ones feel the consequences of their actions is often the only "bottom" that brings them to a place of surrender. If we continue to save and intervene - often they never get to that place where they relinquish control to their higher power. Is our heart in the right place? Absolutely - but this is a disease that is cunning, baffling and lacks all manner of logic. It can't be cured - only arrested with treatment and time.
Good luck to you and yours and please keep coming back.
Jointdoc, So glad you came by. You are most welcome and most qualified to join alanon and we hope we can help you with our 12 step program which is for Family and Friends of Alcoholics/addicts. Your first step is to become more educated along with us on how you can help yourself, and eventually the situation may change. Most of all, you will be healthier and happier.
Has anyone informed you about our online meetings? 9 a.m. and 9 pm and slightly different on weekends. Sunday night 7:30.
I cannot urge you more strongly to find an alanon meeting where you live as well. Great people.
Don't even try to force or change any other person .......not at this stage ......Take care of you.
Even if she is reluctant to go you could always start going to face to face meetings. It will help educate you more on this disease and all the isms that come with growing up and being around Alcoholics/Drug addicts. Maybe if she sees you going she will become interested. She sounds like she is in denial and denial is very strong thing. If your brother in law does move back into the house please make sure your expectations are set accordingly. It is pointless to expect that he will do certain tasks daily. If you set that expectation you will just be constantly let down, disappointed and resentment will grow. I had to realign my expectations with my husband when he was in the throws of his disease. It just eliminates being let down and annoyed when they don't do what you expected/asked them to do. Take care of yourself and sending you lots of positive thoughts/prayers.
-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Tuesday 19th of January 2016 01:44:02 PM
So glad you are here Jontdoc and welcome TakingCare, this behaviour is enough to drive us round the bend isn't it? Which is why I find such solace in reading and sharing here, amongst others that understand and just 'get it.'
Jointdoc, I once stopped to imagine how I feel when I am trying my best and someone comes along and suggests that I do things the way they would do it themselves. I can be quite stubborn at times and I'm fairly sure that my initial reaction to advice that I have not asked for is, usually, to dig my heels in. I only mention this because that thought helped me to visualise how hopeless it was for me to try and change the behaviour of my AH, or any one else for that matter. The only route open to me is to do my best for me and to try and stay true to myself. When I am happy and healthy, regardless of what other people are doing around me I like to imagine that I might, with luck and a following wind, end up leading by example!
Thanks so much for all who replied. I was so pleased to see so many responses. We had a big argument tonight. My wife and her sister blame me for his "break down" (which really was a drug over dose of IV coke and heroin, but they "haven't seen the urine drug screen report", and my brother in law denies it). I can't convince them that I know what know. I feel betrayed by my brother-in-law, whom I helped and supported up until this last time, and by my wife and her sister. He has convinced them that I am lying and that I just wanted him out of the house. I truly don't know how this ends. I'm sick over it.
It is truly a cunning and baffling disease - no manner of logic applied will create clarity for your wife or her sister here. Although they do not know it, they too are "sick" from this disease. Even blood and urine toxicology reports are no match for this diseases denial, justification and endless "explainations". I hope you are able to find a meeting, meditate on the responses here, read through other board posts and find your serenity tonight. (((jointdoc)))
((JointDoc) You are not alone. Please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend . It is here that you will receive the support that is so necessary for your recovery.
The most important principle of the program is that we are powerless over, people, places and things. That you did not cause the disease,cannot control it and cannot cure it. There is an abundance of literature that is very helpful. My favorites are:
Just for Today Booklet, Alcoholism the Family Disease, The Detachment booklet, When I Got Busy I got Better and the Courage to Change book.
jointdoc - I 'see' the insanity of the disease clearly in your post. Addiction/alcoholism is so powerful that even black/white facts don't matter - denial and blame and chaos and drama wins most times. It's baffling, but it's common. As Betty suggests, you are not alone. This example you provide is exactly one of countless ways we all qualify for the disease. Finding local support and embracing the concepts of Al-Anon can and will help you detach from the craziness and find peace within your own hula-hoop.
In my own situation, when the disease and denial were active and in charge, there were no amount of facts or logic that mattered. Only through Al-Anon and the steps did I learn and embrace my powerless over others, and manage to carve out a life of joy, peace and serenity - most days - by keeping the focus on me. You know your truth and that is what matters. What others think about you is none of your business (Al-Anon slogan).
Keep coming back and realize this all is part of the disease....(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
