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Post Info TOPIC: Struggling with Alcoholic Ex


Member

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Posts: 12
Date:
Struggling with Alcoholic Ex


Had a really tough day today with my ex. I've been out of the house for about 3 weeks, and she has really been working on staying sober (and she has) and attending more meetings and using her support system, which is great. She has been holding out hope that I will "try to make it work" with her after she has been sober for x amount of time, but I have told her that I'm ready to move on, and that I am sorry, and still want to support her healthy changes. She didn't want to seem to take that for an answer, and basically begged/pleaded with me to stay. Asking that I just tell her there is a chance for us. I told her I couldn't do that, and that it wouldn't be fair for me to say that to her, and that it wouldn't be fair for me.

Sometimes, and I'm sure others have felt this way, the "easy way out" would be to just go back to her. But I know that if I did that, even if things were good for a couple months, I would immediately regret it. At some point, she would probably drink again, and then the cycle would continue. As hard as it is to know I am hurting someone I love (but know it's not healthy to be with), this is the right decision for me, I just need to get past the pain.

I'm trying to make it to my first in person al-anon in quite a while tomorrow, and reaching out to friends/family as I need to work on my support system. Even typing this out helps clear my head a bit :) Any tips for getting past these first few weeks of being apart and keeping it that way.

Thanks all



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
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((((H)))) re-read your post as if you were someone else and see if you don't become aware that the poster is living in the future projecting doom and gloom....just see.  I had a history of that and recognize it in your post.  I projected with surety and then was led by the fellowship of living in the present and loving unconditionally; not only my alcoholic/addict and also every other person for exactly who they were.  That is magic and I love practicing it daily.  Give the exercise a try and see what you come up with.   (((hugs)))



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 11569
Date:

(((Hugs))) - it's not easy but for me, when I break life down into days or moments, it gets easier to manage. Be great to yourself - treat you like you treat others. Take yourself out to eat, take yourself to a movie, call an old friend, fill your time with activities that are program related or future related. One moment at a time, one day at a time.

We're here for you and you're not alone!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
Date:

Hi I would recommend searching out those face to face meetings and attending with an open mind. It is here I was given new constructive tools to live by. These tools restored my self esteem and my ability to stop reacting and I learned to respond in a healthy fashion to life on life's terms.
Good Luck

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3496
Date:

I also would encourage the face to face meetings. Two of my favorite slogans that keep me on the path are "If nothing changes, nothing changes" and "If I keep doing what I have been doing I will continue to get what I got". It reminds me so clearly that I am responsible for the new paths I choose to cut out of my own life and I do not want to go down the same path knowing the results that are waiting.

I definitely have to deal with me first.

Hugs S :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



Member

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Posts: 12
Date:

Thanks all! As usual, all the kind words do help :)

I attended a face to face today and it was great! I didn't feel uncomfortable at all sharing with total strangers, and it was comforting to get so many knowing responses to what I was going through. One of the things that hit me the hardest was a reading about communication and honesty. That was always one of the biggest challenges with my ex, even before her alcoholism took control of her life. Our biggest challenge since being separated has been communication (mostly via email, text), she was only reading the things from me that she wanted to hear, even though I *thought* I was being clear that it was time to move on, and work on ourselves. It really hurt to be honest and blunt with her, but I can only hope she takes it as a positive in the future and I know I can't make her "learn" from it, that is up to her.

I will definitely be attending more in-person meetings, and look forward to learning new things about my own recovery!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 11569
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Heisenberg - great job getting to a face to face. I am so glad that you found support, encouragement and 'heard' something helpful. I feel like that always happens when I get to a meeting - I hear something relevant to my current spot of journey or I at least feel better being around the fellowship...

Keep coming back and learning is what it's all about. We are all works in progress, learning as we grow/go!

(((Hugs)))

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:

It is powerful when you are ready to hear
And do what you need to do for you to get
Better.

Its a long and sometimes painful journey about
us and our recovery. We Can not fix, control
or care take someone Else. We need to take
care of ourselves with A loving HP and working
Our own alanon program.

If you are like many of us, you Grew up in a dysfunctional
And/ or alcoholic home. Your needs were Not met
And you learned negative coping skills instead of
Healthy ones.

I am glad you went to your ftf mtg hang in there, it
Will only get better and you will get healthier. Be patient
And loving to yourself for it takes time.

(((((( H )))))))))



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 295
Date:

This does sound like a very painful process for both of you. Glad you made it to a F2F meeting :) Be patient with yourself.

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