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Hi everyone. Major slip up last night. AH got his one year yesterday and I got a mental movie that played over all the carnage this disease has left in it's wake the last five years. ( it gets better ) I then proceeded to take his inventory, remind him of carnage, throw a tantrum and sabotage his night!
Not feeling great about myself needless to say. Clearly it is me I am mad at and not him. I swallowed the baited hook that this disease presented every single time. I chose co-dependency over self care and boundaries. I did not protect my children from this disease, but rather opened the door to it and began the dance.
Not even sure where all of this is coming from. It's like it flooded over me and the back sliding began before I even knew it started. Is this some kind of anniversary reaction? I feel a little discombobulated.... Time to be still and do some reading. Thanks for letting me vent.
I can't comment as to where it has come from but, I can relate. I remember not so long ago when my abf got a job after 2 years of me insisting and wishing he would, at the time I'd been thinking i was very zen and together... and I just opened up on him and felt as if i was watching in horror as the words poured out of my mouth, Oh, It's Very Nice for You, You Get To Be Drunk For Years At A Time And Now You Have A Job And A Paycheck And Everything Is Lovely For You....and what about me, I can't even think about work as i have a child and no-one to help me with child care and I've been paying your debts and and and...and he just sat there, wordless...
Well at the time I was so ashamed but when I look back now, HIS milestone/employment wasn't anything to do with my own recovery or growth. I had some pretty good reasons to be angry and resentful and how much did it really matter considering the amount of support he had shown me during our years together? Which was, zero. What it shows me is, at the time, I was still being crippled with resentment and that isn't a shameful thing- who can live with an alcoholic and not be resentful to the point of insanity? It instead showed me that, I needed very much to direct my focus back onto myself and work my program for me, not for anyone else but for me because I deserve to live free from resentment. Whilst I think my partner deserves to be treated with respect, I am very mindful not to pull myself apart if I am sometimes unkind to him because, he did treat me with a great deal of unkindness for a great number of years and, I can't suddenly become someone who behaves with grace all the time when I've spent so many years adjusting to a completely different way of being. I do the best I can and I bet you do too.
So, Jenny, what do you need to do for you today?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Oh Mel - I love your share, thank you. I have made progress, I have certainly not found the perfection of grace yet ( the antidote to resentment it seems ). I am going to get a pedicure and shop at the thrift store in the hunt for a coffee table and then perhaps coffee and a meeting tonight. It's going to be a fine day if I stay focused on me.
I think that sounds like a very fine day!! Keep taking care of you, because you're worth it. It's the very best thing we can do for ourselves and the people we love.
(((Jenny)))
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I had to stop by Jenny because the title of your post remined me of the country ans estern song title, she got the ring and I got the finger. More seriouslly, it sounds a human reaction, one of those ones that takes us by surprise. Be gentle on you, wishing you well today.
-- Edited by a4l on Friday 15th of January 2016 04:57:50 PM
LFJ - (((Hugs))) - it happens to the best of us! In my world, it doesn't even have to be a 'special event' - it just happens. And, I too can truly get down on myself because it was unexpected, unnecessary and my mind tells me I am a failure, once again. I have to be reminded that I am human, I will fail/slip/falter and the grace comes from what I do next.
My sponsor and this program gives me the tools to pick myself up, make amends as needed and then give it up to HP as I learn from it. You all doing just fine and in my world, grace comes when I am not looking for it. Do be good to you today and don't dwell. It's a blip in the grand scheme of living with this disease!
Congrats. to your AH on his one year!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
LFJ you have worked a 10th step on the issue-- Forgive yourself and let go.
I found that by working the Steps, examining my motives and owning my part in the problems, I was set free from the old anger, resentment, self pity and fear that I held due to the drinking. Congrats to hubby for I year sobriety That is a huge accomplishment.
Ugh - I feel you! I regress time and time again and now that I *know* better, when it happens I feel even worse :( At least you realize your part and can move forward.
That is great about your AH getting his one year!!
Thanks for the support and hugs everyone. Yes I am SO excited for his one year... this time the difference has been surrender on his part. His sponsor rocks as well!
I am on the mend after an amends and am letting go. You guys are the best - I've missed you... and a4l - your country music reference made me laugh out loud!!! Thank you!
Keep on keeping on (((LFJ))) - enjoy your new year!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Im new to this website/forum but i couldnt help replying. This thread really stood out to me. The orginal poster really reminds me of myself (although my qualifier has not had that birthday yet). Then the next individuals to reply. Lately with the chaos of the disease the resentment and anxiety has taken over me. I kept blaming my depression. My anxiety. But no it's never been like this. It is very clear that I do need to work the Al Anon program.
Aloha Jenny...what a post and what responses...the MIP fellowship is truly a blessing to us in moments we are in need. I remember my sponsor teaching me to say "there I got myself good that time" when I tried again to use old habits that never worked. He also taught me to laugh at myself regarding "my best efforts to pull my gun and shoot only to end up shooting myself in the foot". These lessons are good lessons for us who really want serenity and sanity because if we work it well we grow so well. What did you hear your HP whisper in your ear about this? Thanks for the honest post. ((((hugs))))
believeinme - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you joined in to share!
Working the Al-Anon program has gifted me beyond words. I'm a much calmer, grateful person than before and can attribute most of the changes in me to this spiritual journey where I focus on me and what I can change.
Keep coming back - we're all a work in progress and walking miracles!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When my Ah got his year coin I totally felt a part of his recovery. He has had a year 4 times & is still alive! He doesn't give up. He has over 9 years now. I just took a chance & loved him through it. So I have to say that it was an honor & still is to be married to a recovering alcoholic. That is our story.
Aloha Jenny...what a post and what responses...the MIP fellowship is truly a blessing to us in moments we are in need. I remember my sponsor teaching me to say "there I got myself good that time" when I tried again to use old habits that never worked. He also taught me to laugh at myself regarding "my best efforts to pull my gun and shoot only to end up shooting myself in the foot". These lessons are good lessons for us who really want serenity and sanity because if we work it well we grow so well. What did you hear your HP whisper in your ear about this? Thanks for the honest post. ((((hugs))))
Hi Jerry! I think HP has been gently reminding me that when I don't keep self care and HP my focus - I get "dry", tired, like the tank is low somehow. The tires fall into the easy rut of my old stinking thinking. My mind completely forgets the concept of surrender! This is when my disease sneaks up on me. When I'm in that vulnerable place the score keeping, resentment, "right-teous" ( ya right! ) anger bubbles up. The antidote is this program, this board and my own self care and self awareness. I mean - what score keeping does is keep me sick and in the past! I want a future full of peace and a centeredness I've never had before. It's out there ODAT. Fillin' up my tank with my fellow MIP's!
Believeinme - Thank you so much for responding! I am so glad that you're here. I know it's a little overwhelming at first, and some of the slogans and sayings sound foreign, but just keep coming back. Depression, anxiety, resentment - we've all struggled with that triple threat! Those threaten our serenity every time.
Here I found that I actually had some choices I didn't even know about. I have been here 10 months now and it's the best investment I've made in myself in... well probably ever. You are worth that investment too! (((Believe))) -Jenny
Oh, I totally get it. So my husband and I are currently separated since things got pretty bad. I'm living in my parents basement and he went to halfway housing. After celebrating 60 days, he found out he got this AMAZING new job which pays more than he has ever made in his life. He told me, and I burst into tears and started feeling sorry for myself because here I was living in my parents basement and he just landed an awesome job and won't have to worry about money. I fell into the victim mentality- it's not fair that that happened to him because HE is the reason I'm where I am- broke, in debt, and dependent on my parents once again. I had a good cry and reasoned it out with my sponsor later. Sobriety has brought him incredible things and my al-anon work is starting to give me it's fruits as well. It's hard not to fall into those old modes of thinking. My sick thinking didn't happen overnight and neither will this.
That is a right on growth realization BSB; powerful that you had it and stick with it because they come to those who deserve them and are mature enough. I learned that I would never have new awareness if and when HP did find I could be trusted with them cause HP uses us to pass them on to others coming up behind us. Keep working your program of recovery sister and just watch what comes along for you also. Thanks for the grace. ((((hugs))))
Betty I second what Jerry said. Good things are around the corner for you too. Hang in there! I can totally relate with being left in debt. I am still struggling to make ends meet and feel like I always will be.
Jenny you are not alone in your feelings and actions. When something doesn't go my way it seems the first person I take it out on is AH and I proceed to remind him that we are in this mess because of him and then I feel horrible for it. I'm slowly learning to be more compassionate and not to bring up the past.
I can relate and there still are many times that it doesn't feel good to be human and imperfect. For me, it is continual practice of turning things over to my HP and letting go. If I don't, it just bubbles up at awkward moments and bursts out of me... and it also usually feels personal... using the steps, slogans, and group members, I've got my training wheels on so that I wait to respond rather than reacting.
