The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The past few days I have just distanced myself completely tryin to be as nice as I can but I can't shake this feeling of just emptiness. Two weeks ago huge discussion between me and my A boyfriend he pretty much told me we were two different people now, that the person I fell in love with was not who he should have been. We've been dating for 8 months and in the begininng he was attending more meeting etc then he slacked didn't go eventfully u saw the mental changes of super highs then dark lows he would day one thing then do another so he slipped about two months ago. He said he needs to be more spiritual, that he wasn't sure if I would like that about him he says our core issues are different, there not, everything he has told me we weren't he couldn't explain in depth just generalized thugs and well it hurt a lot. I said I am supportive of any good choices he decides to help him with his sobriety but the words he used that argument I can't shake it just hurt. We've been moving forward and I went to my third meeting tonight but I'm just feeling depressed over it all. Is this normal to feel like this before you gain some sort of clarity????
Time to take a breather and inventory the conversation and behaviors? This is about your peace of mind and serenity and sorry you got hurt like that...I remember the sinking feeling I got when I was being too dependent when and where I should not have been and had at that time not reviewed other choices. Stick around and pass the process in front of this family and see what you get back. ((((hugs))))
I love what Betty has said and, similarly, I am quite sure that when we feel the lowest and saddest, it's very often because we are letting go of the old and getting ready to accept something new. It's always darkest before the dawn, as they say. Good on you for attending meetings, I can't think of a better way to take care of yourself than surrounding yourself with people who get it and genuinely want the best for you. Hang in there! (((Mylife)))
-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 15th of January 2016 01:20:11 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
(((Hugs))) to you and know that you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself and look for what is good within you, your life and your newly started program. See if you can just focus on one moment at a time, one day at a time.
Keep coming back - we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Over the years, I've come to realize that my black hole seems to transmute into many shapes. In those moments I believe those shapes to be true and lasting but they are not. So I've learned it helps for me to define the shape and then ask what for. Last week I was certain my black hole was puppy shaped. I had the urge and there are never shortages of puppies... I was lonely and wanting love and to cuddle and to have companionship and and - and it was not really a puppy that I need. I come here to fill up, I have my f2f and a lot of wonderful friends that came into my life while I was busy practicing the program. I'm realizing that I do have people in my life that I can trust and who care.... And my HP who masterminds all the good. -in support
I Remember when I First Started Working My Program, I Struggled Letting Go of Others Thoughts, Actions, and Hurtful Comments... And I Was Reminded Time & Time Again, that ICK was theirs... and Had Absolutely Nothing to do with me... I had to Practice "Not to take it Personal" even tho, that is Exactly how the "A's" wanted me to take it...
This Disease is Truly Cunning and Baffling, and the Best Gift I Can Give Myself is... "Take Care of Me 1st" and Going to Meetings, Sharing here and Releasing it From my Thoughts even if Just for a Moment... Has been a Wonderful thing...
I Remember the Empty Feeling I got when I Finally Stopped trying to Fix Everyone else, I Felt like My Worth had Dropped even Lower because Now, what was I to do? But what Al-Anon Did was Fill Me up with HP & Love, I Started Pulling out my Al-Anon Books and Going to the Back of the Books and What Ever Emotion I Was Struggling with I Would Track it down in the Index and get to Reading... It Truly to this Day... Helps me get back on MY Track :D
Thank you everyone I'm still struggling to shake it off but am trying. He knows something up with me and asks me to talk to him about what's bothering me but I feel I can't because he gets so incredibly defensive
I know that when those times arise, you know that funk that you are experiencing .... it reminds me that I am leading into a confrontation. Hell
I was so used to the confrontations on a regular basis that now with my program tools, they had substantially subsided!! Made me think, well
maybe I was so used to the chaos that I wasn't letting go. Quite normal, but found it necessary to remind myself that confrontation was something
I no longer wanted, and to talk and work the program!! {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
MyLife - I love what Jozie wrote above - put you first and focus on you. This might mean reading a program book or any book, taking a bubble bath, taking a nap, read literature, get phone #s and call program friends. If you are one who is high energy (like me), go for a long walk while listening to your favorite music, or go to the gym or go to the mall or .... I also get satisfaction our of chores, so I'll clean a drawer, clean a closet - anything that helps me direct me emotions and energy away from the current helps me when I am down/sad/numb.
(((Hugs))) - it will pass and you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thankyou everyone so much for your kind words and advice, one day at a time one minute at a time is all I can do right now but your words are encouraging! He did ask what was wrong and when I told him I didn't want to speak about it that there are some things I need to sort and figure on my own he became defense made it about him and walked out without saying goodbye to me. But at least he went to a meeting it gave me time to reach out to the first person who gave me her number! So thankyou to everyone for you support I will keep you posted. I hope he doesn't try again when he comes back home and just leaves it so we will see
Jozie thankyou for your post I have been flipping to my index of courage to change and reading how I feel and I am a little calmer cried a little but not so numb
ML16- your post reminds me of how raw the first few days and weeks can be and how difficult it is to stop thinking and problem solving our A's... It took so much mental work for me to focus on me that being in a fog is the perfect way to explain it. Also - I didn't have any IDEA how to disengage from a toxic conversation or argument. I remember Betty giving me some phrases that helped. Saying something like "I will take what you're saying into consideration" or "You may be right. Right now I need to __________, I will get back to you" and of course one of my favorite tools / sayings "say what you mean, don't say it mean". The other thing that was so hard for me was remembering that my AH was allowed to feel whatever he felt. In other words, if he feels defensive, angry, like talking or not talking or anything else - he is allowed to feel that and it wasn't about me nor what it my job to jump in and fix it or react to it. It keeps me respectful of his emotions and it keeps me on my side of the street where I need to be, knowing HP is who he needs to go to and so do I when conflict arises.
Also - your feelings are valid. It's ok to feel empty right now. I try to acknowledge the feeling, write it down ( journal ) or pray, then let it go and let God take it from there... then exactly like Iamhere said - I move my brain and my body into a different direction and use healthy distraction if I need to. The good news is that the feelings pass, they are so so hard - but they're temporary.
Feelings are choices...you choose how you feel though that might be a new thought for you. I found out I could feel what ever it was I wanted to feel whenever I wanted to feel it and I do that today. "Nothing has the power to control your thinking unless you allow it" (or something like that from our literature)...(((hugs))) You go girl.
Ledfootjenny thank you for your post your words kinda nailed it.
He did come home and tried talking to me again, I briefly explained that in starting to think differently and actually look at myself and before I could proceed he told me I was a newcomer and that made sense to him, that I was going to be feeling a whole lot of different feelings and that it made sense to him why I was distant and that I didn't want to talk because just like it's not hi place to press him about what he talks about in AA it's now not his place. So it went good but I'm still struggling with the new feelings the new ways to deal with things but with the support of you guys it has helped hearing the stories of similar experiences so thankyou all again for sharing with me
Hi LK! So glad you are here. There is so much wisdom on this board - keep coming back and turning the focus back on you. You sound like you are making some great progress so far :)
